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Coke Dealer Only Thing Working in Punk Venue Bathroom

ONEONTA, N.Y. — Patrons at punk venue The Station report that the only functioning fixture in the entire bathroom is local coke dealer Reese Wicker, management has confirmed.

“Look, none of the plumbing in this place works… and the ‘sink’ is just a bucket of water that sits in an old, actual sink,” said Wicker of his unconventional office. “The owner basically gave up on it — but I saw an opportunity. Some people think the path to a successful life is in some ivory tower with a corner office, but they’ve clearly never been around 20-something punks in a small town on payday.”

Wicker can typically be found among two doorless stalls, a urinal filled with cigarette butts, and no running water in what is technically a “restroom” — all of which often surprises unsuspecting venue guests.

“I wanted to wait until Thrash Mice were finished, but my bowels thought otherwise,” said showgoer Kip Dunningham of his impromptu trip to the venue’s restroom halfway through the second band’s set. “Shitting at a show is pretty much everyone’s worst nightmare, and this venue is a classic example of why.”

“I just ran to the first empty stall and let it all out,” continued Dunningham. “But when the poop didn’t plop, I looked down and found a bowl that hadn’t been flushed for days, and while I tried to figure out how to wipe, some dude over by a hole where the mirror once was asked if I was ‘good.’”

However, despite the illegal activity, employees at The Station largely accept Wicker as part of the venue.

“At first I wanted to kick him out,” explained bartender Cindy Park. “But he doesn’t really cause trouble… and he hooks me up with bumps every time I head to the basement to change out the kegs. Plus, that bathroom stinks worse than most of the bands that play here, so if he’s willing to hang out in there, then, whatever. I’m not going anywhere near it.”

At press time, Dunningham’s failed attempt to order tater tots from the venue’s nowhere-near up-to-code kitchen revealed a guy offering pre-cracked whip-it’s over by the refrigerator.