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Free Anarchist Zine Educates Local Trash Can

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — A trash can located on the corner of Church and Spring St. gained sentience late last night due to a poorly photocopied zine tossed inside of it espousing anarchist beliefs, terrified sources confirm.

“Usually, people throw out your standard fare — diapers, cigarette butts, newspapers — but I never expected anyone to drop some real knowledge,” said the slightly rusty waste bin. “It’s like I only needed to open my lid… to really open my eyes.”

Residents believe the copy of The Unknown Future: Volume 3 was most likely tossed in the trash can by a punk leaving the Holding Cell DIY venue, which hosts various folk- and crust-punk acts — each act towing its own makeshift book store.

“We’re out here every weekend, just trying to spread the word,” said local anarchist Bonnie “Bubonic” Burkahovsky. “Most days, we just pick up what’s been taken off the table and thrown away in the trash, then put it out again the next week. Last Friday, Tommy Tragedy and I got sick from some yogurt we found in a dumpster, and didn’t feel like recycling that day’s literature, so we left it there. I’m just glad we were able to reach that trash can, and show it that cops and elected officials are human scum.”

Scene veteran Clancy Tate asserted that this was not the first time an inanimate object gained sentience from punk media.

“Back in the ’90s, my roommate had a Walkman that malfunctioned with a Choking Victim tape stuck inside of it. We didn’t think it was a big deal at first… but eventually, the Walkman gained a nihilistic attitude and started abusing drugs,” said Tate. “It was shoplifting a whole lot, and would try to drain its own batteries. I heard it eventually got donated to a Goodwill and got all religious after it was purchased by some church group.”

At press time, the subversive trash can was seen flipping itself over and carrying an acoustic guitar, screaming, “Rise up and overthrow the trash overlords — no gods, no waste managers!”

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