DENVER — Local retail worker Carson Patterson earned himself a luxurious, three-minute paid vacation for Labor Day by faking a shit-break, awe-inspired sources confirm. “It…
EAU CLAIRE, Wis. — Newly hired intern Rebecca Boulanger will earn time-and-a-half experience for her work on Labor Day from her temporary employer Right Now…
ODESSA, Texas — Local man Grant Hopkins informed his friend group today that he can’t make it to this mass shooting, but, statistically speaking, he…
DENVER — Local mother Amanda Howard suspects that her daughter Heather is experimenting with the drug CBD, citing the teen’s suspicious increase in productivity, energy,…
LOS ANGELES— Evan Winter, longtime frontman of hardcore band Blank Slate, kept audiences engaged in between songs with stand-up bits he has long hoped to…
BLACK ROCK CITY, Nev. — The Felcher family entered into a world of horrors last night after their car broke down just outside of Black…
SEATTLE — Off-the-grid punk communities across the U.S. are celebrating news of their hero, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, “sticking it to the man” once again…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local man Mike Jankowski waited until his haircut was safely completed Thursday evening before attempting to stop to his barber’s hateful political…
Recently, Henry Rollins, acclaimed actor from the 1994 movie ‘The Chase’, agreed to sit down for an interview with the Hard Times. Unfortunately, our office…
TRENTON, N.J. — A group of punks’ plan to invite geriatric next-door neighbor Zofia Gorski to a party so she wouldn’t call the cops backfired…
NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL — Denizens of the underworld are welcoming significant infrastructure improvements over the next few weeks as the newest arrival, billionaire David…
Many of the immigrants that come to the United States seeking a better life are woefully overqualified for the low-skilled jobs they’re forced to settle…
PALM BEACH, Fla. — President Donald Trump reportedly spent Wednesday morning roaming Mar-a-Lago Resort pining for the days when America consistently put out work that,…
BURLINGTON, Vt. — A copy of Dean Koontz’s “The Good Guy” was found beaten and battered on a local bookshelf yesterday, while a copy of…
REDWOOD CITY, Calif. — Impossible Foods Inc., the creator of the meatless Impossible Burger, announced today the development of “Impossible Veal,” the next product in…