BALTIMORE — Local introvert Katie Pidacter quietly hoped yesterday that no one would remember her birthday this year, in order to avoid the looming pressure…
Recently, The Hard Times met up with Craig Erickson, a new United States army recruit, an aspiring Mustang owner, and, this probably goes without saying,…
DURHAM, N.C. — Rising data entry star Stuart Carroll is hospitalized today following a freak tech deck accident, which doctors fear could mark the end…
DETROIT — A neglected Hoover WindTunnel vacuum currently stuffed in the front closet of notorious punk house The Slayboy Mansion is desperately yearning for the…
PHILADELPHIA — Friend-of-a-friend and uninvited Super Bowl party guest Bartholomew Youngblood just wants everyone to know that the word “football” means something entirely different to…
ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Perpetually pie-eyed local man Dominic “Mitch” Wozinski was invited last night by expectant parents Christine and Sam Pinner to unwittingly test…
MIAMI — Super Bowl LIV between the Kansas City Chiefs and the San Francisco 49ers was ground to a screeching halt today when the Arizona…
AUSTIN, Texas — Self-proclaimed anarchist punk Craig Garson, who once stabbed a police officer while on LSD, was flabbergasted last night by the latest episode…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Friends of Terence Hart report today that his knack for ruining parties with his alcoholism has transitioned into ruining parties with his…
LAFAYETTE, La. — Local guitarist and misanthrope Jeremy Waggoner joined his friend’s band Punted Child earlier this month to avoid any possibility of ever receiving…
CHICAGO — Polyamorous man John Castenda gallantly put both of his girlfriends on his shoulders at the Rainy Days Music Fest last weekend, giving them…
TORONTO — 29-year-old Jazmyn Elliot thought she was falling in love yesterday until she realized she was instead aroused simply from needing to urinate, according…
NEW YORK — Comedy Central announced the cancelation of “Straight Edge History” last night immediately after it’s inaugural episode aired, citing record-low ratings for a…
MILWAUKEE — Local punk Doug Reece is surprised and deeply troubled that he has lived long enough for his metabolism to decrease so significantly, according…
Junior high is a difficult age when even the slightest embarrassment can challenge a young man’s development of confidence in my, I mean his, adult…