MILWAUKEE — Local punk Doug Reece is surprised and deeply troubled that he has lived long enough for his metabolism to decrease so significantly, according to sources who told him repeatedly that this would eventually happen.
“I really fucked myself over by not dying at 27 like all the greats,” the 33-year-old Reece explained while washing down a 7-Eleven taquito with a warm Heineken tall boy. “I used to eat and drink whatever I wanted and never gain a pound, but now I’m fat as hell. It’s gotten so bad that I start sweating whenever I bend down to tie my shoes. I’ve been trying to cut back, but the only dieting tips I know are ‘Beer before liquor, never been sicker’ and ‘When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza any time.’”
Reece allegedly has a reputation in his local scene for a bad diet, heavy drinking, and an all-around unhealthy lifestyle. However, friends and family members have warned him for years that his habits would eventually have major repercussions.
“I always knew this day would come,” noted Katie McEwing, Reece’s long-time girlfriend. “You can’t eat a tube of cookie dough while drinking a 12-pack every day and think it’s never going to catch up to you. When I asked him to start working out, he said he keeps in shape by doing ‘pit cardio.’ I told him that once he hit 30 his body would change, and he just mumbled something about metabolism being his ‘least favorite Tool album.’”
Medical professionals and addiction counselors expressed concern that the reckless, hazardous elements of punk culture can have dire consequences on its participants down the road.
“My job is to convince punks to adopt healthier life choices,” stated punk life coach Adrian Campbell. “These kids don’t expect to make it to 30, which leaves them unprepared for basically every major life event that occurs after puberty. So I’ve been hanging around all-ages shows, passing out fliers about eating vegetables and getting a good night’s sleep. It’s a horrible business idea and these teens keep kicking my ass. ”
Reece was last seen trying to justify eating a bucket of fried chicken after midnight by citing the logic of Taco Bell’s defunct “fourth meal” advertising campaign.