2020 marks the start of a golden age of acceptance and social progression. But along with progress, we must also seek reflection. We need to…
MOAB, Utah — Local woman and alleged 10-year “social smoker” Keria Morley has virtually no known social life outside of walking her neighbor’s dog occasionally,…
NAPERVILLE, Ill. — 26-year old DIY punk and scene fixture Jax Williamson will use dental floss to fix almost anything other than their oral hygiene…
CLEVELAND — Alleged metal band Gore God are under scrutiny from the worldwide heavy metal community today after it was discovered they don’t have a…
WASHINGTON — The Democratic National Committee released a public statement today, imploring Bernie Sanders supporters, pejoratively referred to as “Bernie Bros,” to refrain from participating…
BEL AIR, Md. — A Tinder date between “Bloody” Mary Wolski and certifiable poser Jared VanAuden ended abruptly moments ago thanks to VanAuden’s errant claim…
We could tell the instant Jacob Spivey walked into Sunnyside Music that he didn’t know a single thing about records. Right off the bat, he…
CHICAGO — Logan Square resident Nick McMahon is enjoying the social capital gained from his passionate tweets against police brutality, but secretly hopes others don’t…
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — The only working toilet in local punk house The Mooseknuckle is simply a litter box following a breakdown in plumbing weeks ago,…
CINCINNATI — Devoted “Deadhead” Mason Print simply does not understand that other bands besides The Grateful Dead exist, despite numerous efforts to introduce him to…
As a voter and a sexual being, I’ve never felt more conflicted. I don’t know who I want to represent me in the upcoming election.…
WASHINGTON — General chaos and disorder continues to plague every level of the political process during the 2020 election cycle, confirms an independent investigation that…
POMONA, Calif. — Indie punk band The Immoralities’ latest vinyl album allegedly contains no download code, forcing fans to perform the arduous task of actually…
LAWRENCE, Kan. — Comedy maven and respectable drummer Darrel Reynolds sent his bandmates into laughing fits yesterday by asking his math rock band Alcoholy Water…
NEW YORK — Trans millennial Natalie Martinez realized this morning that the overlapping timing of their second puberty with pop culture’s 20-year nostalgia cycle has…