COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local depressed woman Jane Lively mindlessly broke the hot dog-eating world record yesterday after consuming 76 weiners in her darkened, unkempt living…
WASHINGTON — Trapt frontman Chris Taylor Brown issued an enthusiastic “start and persist” letter yesterday urging President Donald Trump to play the band’s lone hit…
LOS ANGELES — The 1981 kidnapping of a young woman by the KKK is being reexamined by the LAPD following overwhelming public pressure, multiple detectives…
PRINEVILLE, Ore. — Aging punk Jeff Nunes, best known in his hometown for shooting a bottle rocket out of his ass in 2003, has deemed…
MILTON-FREEWATER, Ore. — Chaos erupted after a Ween drive-in show late last night, as every single showgoer tried to find somebody still capable of safely…
AUSTIN, Texas — The first aid administered Sunday by a volunteer medic is the closest thing protester Sammi Ramirez has experienced to health care in…
CINCINNATI — Over 100 professionally trained clowns tested positive for COVID-19 last week after riding together in the same tiny car during the city’s annual…
BRADFORD, N.H. — Lawyers representing Ghislaine Maxwell, a confidant of disgraced financier Jefferey Epstein, are asking for leniency against their client noting her athletic background…
QUINCY, Mass. — Local 30-year-old Danny Sullivan went under the knife this morning for a dangerous operation to remove the seemingly permanent scally cap from…
BOSTON — Longtime opening band English Degrees played to a crowd of their own vehicles at a local drive-in show last night thanks to a…
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — After several months of working remotely, employees of Hard Radar Publishing returned to their office for the first time this week, only…
WILMINGTON, Del. — Presumed Democratic Presidential nominee Joe Biden promised swift action during a digital town hall earlier today for cracking down on “police malarkey”…
DUNMORE, Pa. — Local man Cameron Waters is in his sixth consecutive hour of sifting through various GIFs from “The Office,” searching for the perfect…
SACRAMENTO — Local woman Lena Wright was charged with resisting arrest yesterday for fighting back against the armed, plainclothes rapist and city employee who attempted…
AUSTIN, Texas — Punk musician Miles Finney is forgoing a descent into heroin addiction and skipping right ahead to being a sanctimonious, advice-giving vegan yogi,…