CHAUNCEY, Ohio — 11-year-old Boy Scout Albie Tamari is reportedly just one cigarette away from earning the highly esteemed Nicotine Patch to add to his…
IDAHO FALLS, Idaho — The three-month-old and, until now, extremely sexually charged relationship between Tom Paulsey and Dawn Sunland finally de-escalated last night into watching…
VANCOUVER — Famed musician and celebrity interviewer Nardwuar the Human Serviette has nearly finished his quest to dump his scratched, broken, warped, or otherwise unplayable…
RACINE, Wisc. — Local woman Madison Kemper nearly reached her breaking point with Tinder last night after receiving yet another unsolicited fish pic, sources close…
LOS GATOS, Calif. — The remaining members of the outspoken nü-metal band Trapt are seeking an ill-informed bigot with cursory drumming ability to replace their…
PALM BEACH, Fla. — Conservative talking heads across the country mourned the loss of Rush Limbaugh by reducing how many times they mentioned false flag…
ARVADA, Colo. — Local guy Nathan Thorpe is having an “absolute fucking banner” year, thanks to his penchant for explaining the details of fast-paced current…
CHICAGO — Local metalhead Seth Drury’s insistence on wearing a well-worn jean jacket as his primary source of warmth and personality during the current Arctic…
ANTIOCH, Calif. — Local punk Dom Medico realized yesterday that his so-called “glory days” that are now far in his rearview mirror were mostly boring…
DENVER — Local Weezer fan Andy Chaplin ate mosquitos, lampreys and other parasites off of local Pantera fan Chad Stern’s back yesterday in exchange for…
JONESBORO, Ark. — Local burnout Declan Goddard finally achieved his long-term goal of securing a “sort of funny” and “only a little sad” credit score…
RIO RANCHO, N.M. — A single song by prog-rock legends Rush was mistaken for an entire prog-rock album by radio listener Melissa Chavez, according to…
SHERMER, Ill. — A heavily scripted and complex romantic gesture made by local man Chase Stratford last week reportedly swept one young woman off her…
MADISON, Wisc. — Derek Carlson surprised his girlfriend Jessica Kravtsova today with the gift of allowing her to make all of the couple’s Valentine’s Day…
MIAMI — Local holiday and generally despised time of the year, Valentine’s Day, is determined to absolutely destroy one of the few relationships that’s somehow…