JONESBORO, Ark. — Local burnout Declan Goddard finally achieved his long-term goal of securing a “sort of funny” and “only a little sad” credit score of 420 after years of poor financial decisions, debt-collecting sources confirmed.
“It wasn’t easy building down my credit score. I was already in the low 500s, but breaking through that 450 wall required rolling up my sleeves and embracing my inner-fiscally irresponsible degenerate,” said Goddard. “I enrolled in cosmetology school and got a loan just so I could default on it, I bought a fleet of jet skis to impress a girl who I thought liked jet skis but turned out couldn’t swim… I even cosigned my weed dealer’s car loan, and I don’t even know his last name. Sure, I’ll never buy a house, it’ll be super hard to find a good job, and no one will probably ever rent to me, but all of that is almost worth it to have a mildly funny credit score for these next couple weeks until it changes again.”
Loan officer Joceyln Burton recently had a “time-wasting” encounter with Goddard and his poor credit score.
“Immediately after meeting Mr. Goddard, it became very clear that he was only pretending to be interested in a commercial real estate loan for a new roller coaster,” said Burton. “I started as I always do by asking for certain financial information and bank statements so I might learn more about his ‘business,’ but he insisted I check his personal credit score first. He made me say the number ‘loud enough for all the tellers to hear’ and then sat for 10 minutes, smirking in silence and miming bong rips until the security guard asked him to leave.”
Financial advisor Michaela Stone noted that treating your finances as the “made-up, fairy tale bullshit numbers they are” happens often among young adults.
“When it comes to advising millennials, I recommend an absurdist approach to financial planning,” said Stone. “After multiple recessions, a global pandemic, and the inevitable economic fuckery from climate change, we might as well get a laugh out of it, right? At this point, I honestly don’t know why anyone fucking tries to get ahead — the whole system is rigged to fuck us. Burn it all down, baby.”
At press time, Goddard’s credit score had slipped to the upper 300s, motivating him to reach a new, “even more hilarious” score of 69.