I can tell what you’re thinking from across the showroom. I know you want to pick one up, strum it like a jackass that has…
After years of unsuccessful attempts, me ‘n Scooter finally made our way down to Bohemian Grove and caught a lizard person! Once we tied it…
CHICAGO — Local metalhead Seth Drury’s insistence on wearing a well-worn jean jacket as his primary source of warmth and personality during the current Arctic…
In November of 2020, science, love, and decency conquered all that stood in the way of justice, and America got on the right side of…
Holy shit! Can anyone help me?! If so, GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! I listened to Phantogram for the first time, and now I’m…
Buying your first home is one of the biggest decisions of your life. It’s important that you choose the home that’s right for the person…
SPRINGER MOUNTAIN, Ga. — U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders embarked upon a journey of self-discovery and healing amidst his terrible heartbreak this autumn by hiking the…
PLYMOUTH, Ind. — Last week’s wedding of Carson Kauffman and Casey Urbanski took a surprisingly dope turn when every single guest got to spit an…
CARMEL, Ind. — Used car salesman and Turning Point USA volunteer Jeremy “J-Man” Johnson confronted an elementary school teacher on Facebook today that resulted in…
FLAVORTOWN, Calif. — A quality-of-life ordinance passed by Flavortown’s town council this week will guarantee residents monthly universal chili con carne payments beginning as soon…
Holy shit am I the next Kirk Hammett? No, I can’t shred on the guitar and my hair is less “rock God” and more “birds…
MISHAWAKA, Ind. — Local punk musician Dana Laurence gave the “birds and the bees” talk to his seven-year-old son last night, reportedly including overly detailed…
CHICAGO — Levi Tanaka, bassist and lead vocalist of technical death metal band Rodeus, issued an apology today via Facebook Live for “Decimate the Weak…
Your Honor, take a look at this jury. When I arrived here for my trial, I was told the jury would be a selection of…
INDIANAPOLIS — A local jazz drummer’s rant last night about stereotypical death metal band names, using only morbid phrases and references to physical violence, reportedly…