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I’m Not Just Selling You a Home, I’m Selling You a Venue

Buying your first home is one of the biggest decisions of your life. It’s important that you choose the home that’s right for the person you are today, but you should keep in mind the life changes you’ll make in the future. Life changes like finally starting that bitchin’ ska band and throwing mad shows here, dude. We are going to fucking rage until this basement collapses! …Just after you sign these closing papers, of course.

You’re seriously still thinking it over? Okay, let me run you through this one more time and you’ll be sure to make the best decision of your life this afternoon. Because I’m not just selling you a house. I’m selling you a venue.

Dude, putting an offer on this house today would be so fucking punk. I mean, just look at all this rehearsal space! Even the sidewalks out front are perfect for doing slappies and flatground tricks over manhole covers. Rodney Mullen was actually just asking about this place so you’re gonna want to move on it quick before he casper-slides his innovative ass through that front door.

And can you believe the schools in this district are more than 1,000 feet away from the property? This place has it all!

Outside you’ve got some curb appeal but it’ll be a lot better after you bust that streetlight out. Don’t worry, I’ll keep a lookout. Then the parking in this neighborhood will be perfect for grabbing car beers and smoking a joint or two between bands. It might not hurt to open a vegan-friendly coffee shop in the shed to give the straight edge crew a place to do pushups and slam poetry. But this place will never have a marquee because this ain’t the fuckin’ House of Blues.

Now, let’s talk about the master suite: the basement. First, you’ll need to tear out this ornate fireplace to make room for merch tables. Next, we’ll move the water heater into your bedroom to create an open concept mosh space. You know what? I’ll go ahead and ask for an upgrade on the electrical in the closing agreement. What good is a house if it blows a breaker every time Sunn O))) plays your living room? Even if the owners don’t agree to it, your neighbor’s garage is probably close enough to run some extension cords through the window.

Ultimately, there’s no better way to support the Terre Haute punk scene than by turning this house into a disgusting eyesore that pulls the entire neighborhood down with it. But keep your bathrooms clean for Christ’s sake, we’re not animals.