DURHAM, N.C. — Allegedly ill punk Tommy Donnelly has taken to his deathbed, which is also his roommate’s used futon, with only enough strength to…
CATONSVILLE, Md. — Local punk and terrible uncle Chris Middleton was genuinely unsure if his 5-year-old nephew might be too young to watch the suicide…
WASHINGTON — Former President Donald Trump announced that he is now just one indictment away from receiving a free, six-inch hoagie from the federal courthouse…
LOS ANGELES — Phoebe Bridgers’ fans were overjoyed recently after it was announced the indie artist will spend her upcoming international tour dressed as “a…
LONDON — King Charles recently decided enough time has finally passed to have the Queen’s beloved corgis formally executed in a public beheading, not totally…
RALEIGH, N.C. — Local punk Tommy Whitehead nearly caught an indecent exposure rap but was saved by a solitary, barely intact thread of his jeans,…
It’s finally happened, Millennials. Younger generations have discovered and repackaged our early 2000s indie subculture (which itself was already a repackaging of earlier subcultures) and…
CHESTERFIELD, Mich. — Local siblings recently came to the awkward conclusion that one of them needs to tell their mom fisting means something very different…
NEW YORK — Indie pop icons The Magnetic Fields are putting the final touches on their latest album, with plans to write and record just…
MINNEAPOLIS — British comedy fan Gary Snell is in shock after his date failed to pick up on his reference to the 1980 sitcom “Has…
RICHMOND, Va. — House party attendee Davey Singleton can’t quite put his finger on why the two Wendy’s Baconators and seven beers he consumed in…
TEMPE, Ariz. — ‘90s alt rockers Gin Blossoms finally acknowledged their white privilege that enabled them to “drive around this town” being chased by the…
LOS ANGELES — Untalented ne’er-do-well Tyler Buckley reportedly muttered a quote attributed to Pablo Picasso before sticking up Rage Against the Machine guitarist Tom Morello,…
PHILADELPHIA — Lifelong Philadelphia Eagles fan Michael Catalano passed down his father’s beloved pack of throwing batteries to his son Anthony for his trip to…
LOS ANGELES — The producers of Kidz Bop will be including pop punk legends Blink-182 on their latest release after altering the band’s lyrics to…