LOS ANGELES — The upcoming fourth installment of the popular “Matrix” movies is expected to shatter records for dumb, pseduo-philisophical discussions in dorm rooms across…
WOODLAWN, Md. — A recent government study indicates that fans of thrash metal will finally be eligible for Social Security benefits in the coming year,…
NASHUA, N.H. — Pheasant Lane Mall Target employee Trevor Bennequist clocked out yesterday for lunch, only to discover that buying food would cost him more…
It’s not often that a location becomes synonymous, if even briefly, with a zeitgeist defining artistic movement. Rarer still are the times when such a…
PLAINSVILLE, Iowa — Local virgin Andy Wardell grew concerned yesterday that his future sexual intercourse may resemble the acts described in any of the Cannibal…
ATHENS, Ga. — A boomer-aged couple announced today their coordinated effort to vote in the upcoming presidential election for the candidate who appears on TV…
We all know that choosing who to vote for is an unsatisfying, existentially-bleak, and pleasure-devoid bummer. It’s impossible to find any political candidate that caters…
SALT LAKE CITY — Vice Presidential hopeful and former California Attorney General Kamala Harris switched off the debate camera Wednesday night, obscuring crucial footage of…
Some artists leave such an impression that their music begins to feel like home. Regardless of mood or situation, these bands transport you to a…
WASHINGTON — Vice President Mike Pence was hospitalized last night after seeing a Tampon commercial during his bi-weekly hour of television, according to sources comforting…
BEND, Ore. — Armed MAGA patriot Kenneth Carter spent several days last week tracking a man over several miles in what Carter claims was self…
HACKENSACK, N.J. — A new report from the Brookings Institute has found that nationwide gym closures due to the coronavirus have left the nation’s weird,…
If there’s one thing I’m sick of, it’s these out-of-touch bureaucrats in Washington telling me how to live my life. As far as I’m concerned,…
WASHINGTON — House and Senate Republicans agreed today that, rather than issue additional stimulus payments, Americans would be better off investing their previous stimulus in…
I live a simple life. I own a small emporium where I sell lithographs to the good folk of this here small seaside town. Even…