Poser? All This Guy’s Friends Are Alive

Posted on by Dom Turek

Being part of a subculture isn’t just about having the right look, going to the right events, or rubbing elbows with the right people. It’s also about having amassed a respectable number of dead friends before turning 35. All the rare first press records and Sonic Youth tote bags in the world won’t help you establish scene cred if someone finds out most of your friends are alive and well, which is exactly what happened to local Trader Joe’s employee, Donovan Headrick.

When a coworker shows up late for their shift hungover, smelling like cigarettes, and wearing the same threadbare Hüsker Dü t-shirt day after ever living day for three months, you just assume this person is an ally who has also lost at least eight close friends due to unnatural causes. Who could have known the same guy sporting a raccoon tail keychain on his pants would be revealed as a complete poser with not a single dead friend to his name?

Finding out the closest thing Headrick had to a dead friend was an uncle who died from a peanut allergy 15 years ago was a slap in the face to anyone who considered him a legitimate scenester. How are his peers supposed to commiserate over their friend who died from autoerotic asphyxiation while he’s sitting next to them at the bar pouring one out for his grandpa who died of old age surrounded by friends and family? That’s just twisted.

He has a pet rat named Ellios after Ellio’s pizza, for Christ’s sake. I didn’t even think pet stores allowed people to purchase rats unless they could prove at least two of their friends had died from early-onset cirrhosis or gout. No one blames him for his friends not being dead, but everyone is certainly feeling misled. It’s like finding out the sweet old lady who lives next door to you spends her weekends picketing planned parenthood.

It’s tragic to think a 33-year-old with ties to the arts and music scene never had the chance to boost his social capital and cash in on pity points by having a close friend die from drugs, suicide, or violence. Some people just can’t catch a break.

Punk-Designed Chrome Extension Stops Google From Asking You If You Want to Kill Yourself Every Time You Look Up “Suicidal Tendencies”

Posted on by Noah Dominguez

SEATTLE — Punk web designer Priscilla Prange published a new Chrome extension that stops Google from asking if you want to kill yourself every time you look up the band Suicidal Tendencies, sources wondering if this is super necessary confirmed.

“Obviously, it’s important for people struggling with their mental health to have access to helpful resources. But I think I speak for all punks and metalheads when I say I don’t need to see a popup for the crisis line every time I Google one of my favorite bands to find tour dates or new album updates or whatever. So, I decided to use my tech smarts to tackle this pressing issue,” Prange said. “It always just bummed me out, you know? I don’t want to be reminded of the harsh realities of the world when I’m just trying to relax and listen to songs about being violently depressed, nuclear fallout, getting stuck in a dead-end job, or being deprived of my favorite soft drink.”

Tommy Chacon, Prange’s roommate who tested her Chrome extension, isn’t certain making it was the best use of her time or talents.

“Yeah, getting that popup all the time can be kind of annoying for ST fans like us. But is having to scroll for an extra half-second to get to the results you actually want really the worst thing in the world?” Chacon pondered. “I think if Priscilla really wanted to make an impact, she’d come up with something to bypass the crisis filter on Facebook. That site won’t even show you any results if you type the band’s name into the search bar! So, if you want to get to their page, you have to open a new tab and Google ‘Suicidal Tendencies Facebook’ like some kind of animal.”

Suicidal Tendencies drummer Jay Weinberg found the extension quite useful in his day-to-day life.

“It’s really revolutionized my online experience,” Weinberg said. “I Google ‘Suicidal Tendencies’ once or twice a week just to make sure the guys didn’t fire me without saying anything. I’ve had to scroll past the crisis line popup plenty of times. Enough was enough. By the way, do you want some Slipknot enamel pins? I really need to get rid of these and Goodwill stopped taking them.”

At press time, Prange was reportedly having less luck coming up with ways to stop people from asking why her Suicidal Tendencies t-shirt has a picture of Charles Manson on it.

Forward-Thinking Motorcycle Dealership Offering Discount Caskets with Each Purchase

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

CHATSWORTH, Calif. — Lucky Luke’s Powersports, Southern California’s number one motorcycle dealership, announced a new package that includes huge savings on a casket with each new bike purchase, sources confirmed.

“We don’t have a lot of repeat customers here. Our demographic is mainly young men who buy a brand new Kawasaki Ninja 650 on a Friday, and die in a horrific accident by Sunday. We can’t buy the bikes back because they are always smashed to shit, so we brainstormed and came up with the idea of offering premium caskets with each purchase,” said lead salesman Tony Cortez. “The promotion didn’t get a lot of traction at first, but then we started selling these things like hot cakes. We started showing everyone who walked in the door the statistics of how likely they are to die in a motorcycle accident, and now almost every bike we sell has a casket add-on. These consumers may be reckless drivers who fly down the highway at 150 miles per hour, but they aren’t stupid.”

New motorcycle owner Andy Babayan admits he was hesitant about the casket deal at first.

“I crunched the numbers, and I’m not going to find a casket this cheap anywhere else. My plan is to die of old age in 50 years, and this casket will be waiting. When I told that to my salesman he spit out his coffee laughing, and said something about how I’ll be lucky if I live the next 50 days if I ride this bike more than once a week,” said Babayan. “When I told my mom I got a motorcycle she started crying and immediately got on the phone to start making funeral arrangements. But you know what? Dying young is worth it if I die in a cool way, like flying 75 feet through the air and smashing into the back of a dump truck.”

Local craftsmen are overloaded with work to fulfill casket orders.

“Luke’s takes pride in the caskets they sell. You aren’t going to be buying some pine box that will be lousy with worms eating your corpse in less than two days. No, you are getting a mahogany masterpiece that is hand-crafted by some of the best casket artisans in California,” said carpenter Jake Lobel. “And the upholstery on these things is magnificent. I hope everyone gets to see inside these things before their loved one dies, because you won’t be able to see the ornate craftsmanship of the inside because every motorcycle accident funeral is closed casket.”

Thanks to the popularity of the casket discounts, Lucky Luke’s Motorsports decided to offer a paid mourners package to make customers seem more popular at their funerals.

Opinion: Since It Wasn’t Written And Recorded In France, It’s Actually “Sparkling Wine Supernova”

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

There is a lot going on in the world right now, but there is one issue that I think people need to be focusing on more than anything. It’s not climate change, it’s not the atrocities perpetrated by corrupt governments, it’s the fact that the Oasis hit song “Champagne Supernova” should actually be called “Sparkling Wine Supernova.” I shouldn’t have to explain this, but there’s a difference between champagne and sparkling wine. Yes, champagne is sparkling wine—like that turn of expression about how all rectangles are squares but not the other way around—but it’s a special kind of sparkling wine. See, champagne is sparkling wine that comes from a particular part of France—that is, the Champagne wine region of France.

Last I checked, “(What’s the Story) Morning Glory?” was recorded in Wales, the Welsh wouldn’t know champagne from toilet water. The fact that anyone allowed Oasis to write this song without forcing them to change the name is a crime against humanity that cannot be forgiven.

Champagne is known for being bubbly and easy to enjoy, while Oasis are known for being grumpy and only enjoyed by people who need to manufacture an intelligent persona.

That reminds me, I was at a friend’s cocktail party recently, they had just returned from a two-week trip to the UK, so of course the playlist was entirely Britpop. “Champagne Supernova” started playing, and I got so angry that I kicked the air conditioner out of the window. It landed on a cyclist and now he’s threatening to sue me. Well sir, get in line. My wife has already got me wrapped up in litigation for child support payments, and since those kids don’t return my calls, I don’t feel the need to pay for their food and clothing.

The judge assigned to my case said he’s going to have me institutionalized if I don’t stop talking about my campaign to get Oasis to change the name of the song. He must work for Oasis’ record label or something, because there is no reason for him to silence me unless he has something to hide.

Come to think of it, our next family vacation was supposed to be visiting the Champagne wine region of France. I wanted to teach my family about being high-class and get them off those bullshit hard seltzers. Sure, they might be easier to drink, but they’re for sorority girls, like my daughters, and stay-at-home moms, like my ex-wife.

Middle-Aged Man Wonders If He’s Already Given His Best Excuses Not to Go to Friends’ Show

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local 42-year-old Mitch Hensley, a self-proclaimed supporter of the Portland scene, is concerned that he has already given the best excuses he will ever come up with to not go to his friends’ shows, sources confirmed.

“I’ve gotten to the point in my life where you just start to wonder if you’ve accomplished everything that you’re ever going to do or, rather, not do,” Hensley said while ignoring a text from a friend he had promised to get drinks with “soon.” “When I was in my 20s, I could come up with multiple excuses not to see a buddy’s band’s basement show at the drop of a hat. I could spend hours just free-styling excuses, like ‘my great-aunt has rickets and I have to organize her hat collection’ or ‘I think there’s some kind of rat or rat-like creature in my car,’ just jam out those excuses. Now, whenever I try to come up with a good but completely untrue reason why I can’t come to a show, I’m empty. I guess my best years are just behind me. I’m not the excuse hotshot I used to be.”

Adriana Packhurst, a longtime acquaintance of Hensley’s, had little sympathy for the aging scenester.

“Mitch is always moaning that he doesn’t have any ‘creative spark’ left in him,” Packhurst said. “Even though he won’t shut up about how his AI-generated Misfits posters are ‘digital freespace art,’ despite them primarily just seeming to be about the Crimson Ghost throwing a beach party. I’m not exactly sure how he’s connecting his inability to come up with a decent excuse why he won’t get his ass off the couch with the divine impulse to produce something of worth, but honestly, it’s been years since anyone even invited him to a show, so I don’t know what he’s worried about.”

Behavioral therapist Martha Carter says that middle-age often causes individuals to lose faith in their ability to produce new excuses.

“A midlife crisis can very commonly cause people to question their greatest strengths,” said Dr. Carter. “Particularly when your greatest strength is being a flaky dick who can’t be bothered to support a local scene, like Mr. Hensley. It is likely that he will continue to descend into a death-spiral of doubt and increasing nostalgia for his lost ability to let down his friends, which all could have been avoided if he had just shown up at a house show every once in a while. Loser.”

At press time, Hensley was also starting to suspect that his days of pretending to skateboard were behind him.

Touring Drummer’s Mom Reminds Them to Pack an Extra Pillow and Blanket in Their Kick Drum

Posted on by Jon Lalu

PORT TOWNSEND, Wash. — Local mother Linda Varst reminded her drummer son to pack an extra pillow and blanket in his bass drum before he went out on tour, confirmed sources.

“You never know when you’ll need to dampen those overtones, tighten the sound, or have that extra bit of warmth while you’re touring Southern California,” said the mother of four before fully believing an AI image of Jesus Christ working at McDonald’s on Facebook was real. “I’ve already fixed him up three months’ worth of bologna sandwiches and cut the crusts off the bread just the way he likes it, dusted his cymbals and drumsticks, and purchased some new tour clothes for him from Kohl’s. But there’s only so much a mother can do for her children. At some point, they need to be on their own. That’s why I always try to prepare my kids by reminding them to pack their kick drums with necessities.”

Son Lukas Varst seemed more embarrassed by his mother than anything.

“Mom is constantly up in my business,” said the 23-year-old percussionist. “She’s always trying to interject herself in my band’s endeavors too. Just last week she made homemade brownies for everyone at practice. Sure, they loved it, but still. Then she offered to give the band a ride to get ice cream, even though we all have licenses and vehicles. I mean, that was sweet of her. Then of course she just had to take pics of us for her photo album. Actually, they came out so badass that we used them as promo pics. You know what? Maybe mom rules after all.”

Experts noted other instances where moms came through before tours.

“Mothers are really the backbone of every band,” said family counselor Daria Gleason. “Fred Durst’s mom always made sure he packed extra red baseball caps with him before he went out on tour with Limp Bizkit. Kiss’ moms let them use their makeup before every show. And the mothers of Slipknot would make extra hauntingly gruesome masks from scratch for the band before every tour to make sure they never ran out. Moms just know best.”

At press time, Mrs. Varst also reminded her son to pack extra underwear in the floor tom just in case he runs out.

Punk Mom Takes Kid to Merch Table to Shop for School Clothes

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

BALTIMORE — Local mother and lifelong punk Sherri Dalton reportedly brought her 11-year-old son to a DIY concert this weekend to shop for new clothes, impressed attendees report.

“I told him to pick three things that were black, durable, and not affiliated with a hate group. I also made him name three songs by the band before he could buy their shirt. He is representing our family out there,” Dalton explained, while buying an XXL shirt for local band The Bic Flickers, knowing he’ll grow into it. “We are boycotting Target, Wal-Mart, Amazon and really most retailers now so it only makes sense to go shopping here. Not to mention his dad’s band is opening tonight, so we were going to be here anyway. Two birds, one stone, right?”

While practical, Rollins Dalton was overly embarrassed by having to shop with his mom.

“She tried to pay the merch guy with vegan cupcakes and then called me a poser in front of everyone when I asked if we could just go to Hot Topic. I just want to be a normal kid and wear a Metallica shirt thinking it is a clothing brand,” said the sixth grader after trying on clothes in the venue’s disgusting bathroom. “She kept talking about the quality of the silk screening and limited runs. My friends are going to make fun of me if I wear a ‘Fuck Rent! Squat!’ shirt. I don’t pay rent. Technically, I am squatting at my parents’ house.”

Experts say Mrs. Dalton’s shopping strategy might be part of a growing movement among alternative parents.

“This is a new consumer trend we are calling ‘Anarcho-Sourcing,’ and it is the hottest thing in punk fashion since the invention of shoplifting,” said Dr. Julie Lindstrom, a market research analyst who specializes in countercultural shopping trends. “It’s when caregivers raise children with a blend of anti-capitalist ethics but still want quality items at a fair price. You’re finding families who only shop on Bandcamp rather than Gap Kids. A kid won’t care if you buy the band’s 2018 tour t-shirt at 50%.”

As of press time, the Dalton boy reportedly acquired two shirts, a hoodie, one dozen mini-buttons, and a patch with Trump in a guillotine, all for under $50.

The Hard Times Guide To Smoking Weed With Your Mom

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

In this day and age, it’s common to find a much more relaxed attitude towards casual marijuana use amongst many different demographics. And despite grounding you for it at least five or six times in the early aughts, this shift in perspective also includes your mom.

Wanna get stoned with the woman who bore you this Mother’s Day, but you’re too nervous and weirded out by the mere concept? Fear not. We at The Hard Times present our tried-and-true guide.

1. Broach the Topic with Some Lighthearted Joking

Perhaps begin the process by mentioning that there sure are a lot of weed stores around here now! And yeah, they certainly DO look like an Apple Store inside, what an astute observation. You could even let your mom know that while a lot of states don’t sell baked goods, she might have a corner on the market locally if she gets really good at making butter. Maybe she should test out what weed is like these days?

2. Very Gently Remind Her that Weed is Like Way, Way Stronger Now

Now that your mother has agreed to smoke with you, her adult child, immediately U-turn into gently letting her know that this is by no means 70s or 80s weed. This is industrial strength shit that a 25-year old with purple hair and a bridge piercing sold you after you described what is essentially “age-appropriate back pain.” This is going to knock her flat. In the event she asks for a gummy, lie and say you don’t have any. You don’t want her freaking out and calling an ambulance for herself.

3. Throw On a Grateful Dead LP

Set the right scene by putting on a vinyl record, perhaps “American Beauty” by the Grateful Dead, and lie about how much you paid for it when she asks two puffs in.

After about half a joint, your mom may start to discuss her past hard drug use when she was following the Dead full time. Nod sagely and reserve judgment, though note to ask her if her roommate who made acid in the kitchen is still alive at a later time.

Okay, she’s actually talking a lot. This is getting a little irritating, truth be told. Uh oh, she’s bringing up your childhood…

4. Do Not Let Her Discuss Your Childhood

Things may be going peachy—you’re a little bit stoned, and your mom is being pretty cool, but you’re gonna have to put in some serious work in this next phase to prevent shit from going downhill. Under NO circumstances should you discuss your childhood, especially if she does that thing where she asks you all wide-eyed if she was a good mom, and you don’t have a non-nuclear answer to that question. If you engage at all, she’s either going to cry or get weird. That will harsh the mellow irreparably.

5. Call Your Sister for Reinforcements

Ok, she asked. Fuck. Get your Gen Z sister on the phone to talk politics until your mom is extremely riled up and ready to make protest signs. A little arts and crafts saves the day!

Perennial Plants Thriving at Childhood Home Suggest Mom Can Be Nurturing After All

Posted on by Amber Hendrix

RICHMOND — Local Improv Coach Amanda Paulson is struggling to reconcile her mother’s maternal dedication to her household plants, according to sources.

“Growing up, my mother treated my needs as an inconvenience. She even once said I was dramatic for needing a new coat during a mid-winter growth spurt,” said the 34-year-old. “But now she’s turned my old bedroom into an ‘orchid room.’ And yes, it’s climate-controlled. She’s even replaced all photos of me around the house with pics of peonies she’s personally grown. It just blows my mind that she is so invested. She had zero nurturing instincts when I was a child.”

Jean Paulson rolled her eyes upon hearing daughter’s statements.

“Amanda has always been, how should I put this? A lot,” said the mother of one while working her hands through the soil in a backyard garden plot. “I was sick for most of my pregnancy and it felt almost parasitic. Everyone said it would be different when she was born, but she was even more demanding ex utero. It’s no wonder she turned into a theater kid. But getting a stage and an audience didn’t stop her attention-seeking behavior. I even suggested she emancipate herself at one point so she could leave home earlier and pursue more acting jobs. But she lacked the drive. It’s sort of an ongoing issue. Oh wow, the Frangipiani is flowering! You really have to handle it with kid gloves, but what a reward upon maturation!”

For his part, Local Gardening Club President Trey Hammond is thrilled to have a volunteer like the otherwise neglectful mother.

“Jean started with an amateur interest and has really blossomed. We jokingly refer to her as ‘Plant Mommy’ because she has an almost maternal dedication,” said Hammond. “Last winter there was a terrible ice storm and our greenhouses lost power. Jean purchased a generator and delivered it at great personal risk so that the plants could continue to get UV light. I always tell Jean, ‘I wish we could take cuttings of you!’ The world would be a better place. I didn’t realize she had a daughter. She’s never mentioned her.”

At press time, Mrs. Paulson was planning to grow Amaryllis daughter bulbs in her orchid room until they were hardy enough to be moved outside, unless they showed a preference for living indoors indefinitely.

College Town’s One Homeless Guy Braces for Being Subject of Multiple Photography 101 Final Projects

Posted on by John Danek

HUNTINGDON, Pa. — Local homeless man Scotty Yarborough is actively preparing for the end of spring semester at Juniata College where he expects to be the subject of many Photography 101 finals, local townsfolk report.

“It’s that time of year, so I’ll start growing my beard out all crazy to really lay it on thick,” said Yarborough, who rarely gets paid or even tipped for his modeling labor. “I’ll ham it up and look as miserable as humanly possible if the kids are respectful. But it annoys me when they get creative and ask me to push a shopping cart or sleep under a bench. I have a Geo Metro and have never needed a shopping cart. Also, a couple bucks for a hoagie would be appreciated. Don’t give me that ‘I only have a meal plan’ bullshit.”

Freshmen students at liberal arts schools often overstate their own ingenuity during their college experience.

“I am going to show this small college town that it has real, human problems. I’ll ace this final, maybe they’ll open a homeless shelter because of my submission,” said Brianna Wordsworth, whose parents have paid for her tuition, room and board, books, car, and beer fund. “My piece is entitled ‘Homeless vs Unhoused’ and I snapped photos before and after calling that homeless guy ‘homeless’ or ‘unhoused.’ The results are more powerful than I could have ever imagined. Now I just need to figure out how to get this to the Pulitzer committee.”

Those experienced in working with the unhoused are actively begging freshmen students to reconsider their final project ideas.

“We’ve come a long way from Bum Fights and audio recordings of unhoused individuals as intros to screamo songs, but there is still plenty of progress to be made with how we treat these people in our communities,” stated Morgan Vaughn, director of outreach at Helping Hands, Central PA- a homelessness advocacy non-profit. “So please, students, stop snapping 35mm film photos of people struggling in your college towns. You are exploiting them for grades and prestige without helping them. But also, the concept is cliche and trite.”

In related news, Juniata College’s film school professors were readying themselves for an onslaught of Mafia and cartel-related screenplays by 18-year-olds who have never even seen a gun or a blunt.