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Straight Edge Man Involuntarily Following “Don’t Fuck” Rule

INDIANAPOLIS – Despite his best efforts, local straight-edger Chris Weaton, 23, has been following the “don’t fuck” rule laid out in Minor Threat’s 1983 song “Out of Step” for the entirety of his lonely life. According to Weaton, his abstinence from casual sex has been completely circumstantial and a source of endless frustration.

“It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with a bunch of hot women with no strings attached. It’s just that finding women who feel the same way about me has been harder than I thought it would be,” the young man dressed in a vintage Judge shirt, Chain Crew X watch and Nike Air Max 90s said.

Despite Weaton’s intense, deep yearning for any form of physical affection from a member of the opposite sex “even just once,” he’s trying to keep a positive mental attitude about his unwanted dedication to the third X.

“I mean, if not fucking was good enough for Ian Mackaye, then who am I to complain? He invented straight edge! Maybe it’s for the best,” Weaton stated in a despondent tone while staring at the black sheep tattooed on his forearm.

UPDATE: Weaton has decided to take up playing golf to help pass the time.

Article by The Hard Times Staff. Originally published in Activate Fanzine, a great southern California DIY hardcore zine covering lots of edge bands. Photo by Jade Mayflower.


  1. Rogue Rock January 13, 2015

    Dude tell chicks what you want,,and keep it moving..Say whats on your mind,,Tell them you wanna f and thats it,,

  2. Ty Carrington January 13, 2015

    It is because he doesn’t have the construction gloves……..

  3. Dano January 15, 2015

    The problem seems to be that this kid doesn’t have a clear concept of sex. There’s a big difference between “no strings attached” casual sex, and sex within a relationship. The former is what Ian MacKaye was staunchly against. Primarily because he saw the emptyness associated with casual sex. It doesn’t leave you feeling any better about yourself and is seldom without strings attached. You can be straight edge and be in a relationship that has a sexual aspect. Even if you’re not sexually active, but still yearn for sexual affection, you’re not really straight edge. Perhaps his focus is too much on getting laid, and not enough on why he wants to get laid, which is likely that he wants to feel wanted, appreciated, loved, and cared about.

  4. sam January 15, 2015


  5. Uber300 January 16, 2015

    Dude is trying to hard. Chics pick up on that vibe a mile away. No woman wants to fuck a desperate loser. Just remember, up the road, not across the street

  6. Toby Wrobel January 17, 2015

    Pretty sure the first people to invent “straight edge” were Buddhist Monks or some shit haha

  7. ChuckBuried January 18, 2015


    1- This is a joke news blog, it’s the punk-Onion. I’m amazed at how many people don’t pick up on that.

    2- casual sex can be fun an fulfilling AND make you feel really good about yourself. It’s not for everybody, but neither is monogamous long term relationships.

  8. Eternal Abstinence January 21, 2015

    He should try the Krishna Consciousness and listen to Shelter.

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