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Ex-Girlfriend Totally Normal Now

OLYMPIA, Wash. – Local punk Kyle Watkins, 33, made the startling discovery that his ex-girlfriend Erin McCoy is a completely normal productive member of society now, follow up Facebook searches confirmed.

“Erin and I dated for three crazy years man,  I was kind of drunk and feeling a little lonely so I decided to look her up. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, she had on mom jeans and a frumpy shirt. But worst of all, she had this super reasonable, age appropriate haircut,” Watkins said about his former pit-warrior/lover. “It’s completely symmetrical, dude.”

McCoy, who was known as “Bulldogg” during her punk days, was a staple of the Olympia punk scene in the early 2000’s, known for her aggressive dance moves and willingness to mix it up with anyone looking for a fight. The recent discovery that she is now a mother of two young boys and married to a salesman for advanced medical prosthetics has shaken Watkins to his core.

“I never thought I would see the day. This is the same girl who bit off the cap of a beer bottle because no one had an opener, and fronted one of the most violent bands in the scene,” Watkins said. “There was even one time where a Fire Marshall tried to shut down a show in her basement and she hate moshed the guy until he ran away sobbing. It was crazy.”

When asked to comment on the situation, McCoy responded via email from her three-bedroom, two-bath suburban home outside of Oklahoma City.

“Oh yeah, my infamous riot grrl days? Once I went to college I sort of unleashed a new side of myself and may have lost control a little bit, but I like my new life. My boys are a handful, but to be honest I would rather get peed on by one of them than some random guy on stage who thinks he’s the reincarnation of GG Allin,” McCoy said. “Fuck that shit, I drive a Range Rover now.”

Watkins also confirmed that his Facebook stalking led to the discovery that his high school best friend is now a cop and “absolutely does not” want to get the band back together.

Photo by Lizzie Phillips.


  1. Pencia January 13, 2015

    Erin I live in Yukon if you ever want a normal ex punk friend to hang with

    • Andria Kate January 15, 2015

      dude, I live in the Yukon and this article could of been about me. Ex punk, now normal.

      • Oswald January 28, 2015

        Ill never understand how that happens but…happens to the best of us.

  2. MattRAT January 13, 2015

    HAHA im pretty sure thats a picture of Katy Goodman from La Sera

    • Alex Kacha January 14, 2015

      Lol that is not katy

      • Keystone January 14, 2015

        It is definitely Katy Goodman. That is her Halloween costume.

  3. Lisalynn74 January 13, 2015

    Wow! She obviously never got what the punk movement was supposed to be about! It’s not supposed to be about GG Allin, more like the White Panther Party!! No wonder the country is going to hell!! Punk, just another form of Drag!!! SMH!!!

    • CornMccorn January 14, 2015

      wtf are you actually talking about?

    • mustachemama January 15, 2015

      Some people just don’t understand satire.

    • PuppyDogTails January 28, 2015

      White Panther Party? Whaaaat? I think you missed that groovy right turn at Haight Ashbury in 1971, honey. G.G. Allin COMPLETELY got what it was about. I honestly think the guy was a waste of atoms, but at least he did things, unflinchingly, on his terms = punk. Crass got what it was about too – listen to “White Punks on Hope” and “Bloody Revolutions.” The only things a political party is good for are oppression and hegemony.

      And let’s hope the country is going straight to hell. It’s long overdue. Keep SYH while it happens. Just because something’s not for you doesn’t mean it has no value.

  4. Gabriela Maria Spiertz January 13, 2015

    A am a bit confused. Being punk is neither defined by a haircut nor the mom jeans. It sits deep inside you. It is the understanding of our social system(s) and the urge to question and revolt. So while I (mostly!) look like a average girl I still feel like I don’t belong . The prototype of a “normal” life still scares me, because you cant simply “unpunk” yourself, there is nothing “un-mature” about that either. There is no point where you can just ignore or set aside the knowledge that punk and its political allies provides us. And if you do like the comfort of being a tool of our society to the full extend, then you may never been been a punk.
    Everyone can buy a Ramones shirt at H&M but standing up against injustice and trying to lead a conscious life takes courage and character.

    • Krissi Marie January 13, 2015

      You are fucking awesome. So glad to come across someone who gets it.

    • E Tee January 13, 2015

      *slow clap* beautiful words my dear. Well put.

    • Katie January 14, 2015

      Omggggg it’s a joke

      • Gabriela Maria Spiertz January 20, 2015

        There is jokes that are not funny and address real issues. I see what that person did over there, also, come on, if woman in punk would not be so objectified, this post would not even exist. 🙂 maybe something to think about? I really like jokes, but on the back of others peoples identities (like there sure is people that get looked at the way the article said it 🙂 )

    • Apes January 14, 2015

      I don’t think you’re realizing that this is satarical.

      • Deuce Turdsman January 15, 2015


      • Gabriela Maria Spiertz January 20, 2015

        no I didn’t, you are right 🙂 That where the “confused” credit goes to! 😀

    • Jimbles Notronbo January 14, 2015

      I have never read anything more pretentious in my life

    • This is satire, that said, I still like what you wrote. Rebellion is an interior experience which is expressed outwardly in myriad ways because it’s not default conformity.

    • So Sour Steve-O January 15, 2015

      That’s how you tell who the real anarcho punks are. Mohawks and studded jackets or picket signs and strong political opinions.

    • Natalie January 16, 2015

      Beautifully said!

    • Melissa January 16, 2015

      Google “satire”. That might clear things up for you.

      • Gabriela Maria Spiertz January 20, 2015

        a friend of mine posted it, I was not aware that it was meant that way, believe it or not, that shit is out of real life!

    • esimons1 January 17, 2015

      Thanks for your words Gabriela. I agree with you whole heartly. I have am in the scene if not physically how I live my life. I may not do the current scene but that does not take away my standing up for injustice and the life long commitment I have made to ensuring that extent. I have always been an outsider. How many can say they have seen the Bad Brains or had Iggy Pop spit in his hand and high five them? Carry on!

    • Meh January 19, 2015

      the website is a parody website like the Onion check the batteries on your b.s detector

      • Gabriela Maria Spiertz January 20, 2015

        shit, I wish I knew what b.s. means, guess I need someone to write a comment now, how I should google “b.s”. I’ll just wait for that.

    • PuppyDogTails January 28, 2015

      Well, most people are going to slow clap as if your post is the most inspiring thing they’ve ever seen or point out to you that this is a fictitious couple invented for the sake of humor. But I’ll play devil’s advocate, because I’m a cantankerous, contrarian old fountain of bile, and what you’re saying grabbed my attention.

      So just one question – how exactly is driving a range rover, wearing floral prints and cheap jewelry because the other girls at the office do, and pumping out a unit once per year until one has met her quota for life “standing up against injustice and trying to lead a conscious life?” Where is the “courage and character” in complete conformity. I mean, if that was so punk, we’d have never had to be punk in the first place, right? It’s not punk – it’s what those athletes, cheerleaders, and rednecks, and sons and daughters of police officers and church deacons wound up doing with their lives when they became bored of trying to proselytize (or, barring that, break the spirit of) good people like yourself who never did like the comfort of being a tool.

      I do realize that it is an unpopular choice as punks age to hang onto the angst that made them punks in the first place, and I would agree with you that a person is not defined by their haircut or mom jeans. However, at the same time, let’s be real – a certain kind of person does gravitate toward frumpy shirts, mom jeans, and Range Rovers. It has nothing to do with objectification and everything to do with that nagging old need to be accepted by the other frumpy normals. It is conformity, and I don’t see why it is such a great taboo for us to call it that.

  5. laura January 13, 2015

    Yea fuck all that. I got three kids n I used to travel n fyck shit up wherever I went. Not much has changed n my kids thrash around to all sorts of good music. Just alot more responsible than I used to be.

    • mrobbi January 14, 2015

      Sounds like it

  6. SarahBeth January 13, 2015

    That is Katy Goodman in the first picture….
    Seriously? Lmao!

  7. chrisdart January 13, 2015

    I feel as if this site is maybe flying over some people’s heads?

  8. Klutcho January 13, 2015

    Anyone can be radical at 20.
    The trick is to retain your values, believes, & integrity as one ages. That takes much dedication & self scrutiny to determine how to be a 50 year punk.
    If consumer goods & acceptance of a system you know to be dysfunctional can satisfy then you were too busy posing hardcore & forgot to pay attention to what the records were saying.

  9. That guy January 13, 2015

    Wait, this is for real? … ‘ the fuck?

  10. Dick Johnson January 13, 2015

    Really enjoying the sincere replies on this thread. Keep ’em coming, kids.

  11. Jayme Lawton January 13, 2015

    Ya’ll know that this is completely satirical right? Everyone one of you who thought this was real AND had something to say about her “turning her back on the scene” I think the author had you all in mind as he wrote this. The misinformed comments are just as funny if not MORE so than the artical its self….fucking awesome!

  12. sally January 13, 2015

    wanna-be satire that is hating on women? no thanks. find a smarter way to do it. real punx don’t objectify women.

    • Eedy January 14, 2015

      This.. is not.. objectifying women.. what the fuck are you talking about.

    • SallyTheDoorknob January 28, 2015

      “Women” is plural, dingbat. Erin McCoy is not “women.” In fact, she is not even ONE woman because Erin McCoy does not exist. Real punx don’t wag their fingers over bullshit bourgeois causes based on absolutely nothing. Find a smarter way to try to give yourself the warm fuzzies, or if not a smarter one, at least one that means–well, ANYTHING. You fucking dingbat…

  13. ClashCityRocker January 13, 2015

    There should be a social-psychological study on why girls gravitate toward rebellion, and once women, they gravitate toward the establishment, leaving behind the important ideological life for a more secure and shallow lifestyle.

    • Krissi Marie January 13, 2015

      It’s called “growing the fuck up,” and my genitals had very little to do with it. Sometime in my 20s I realized that I was limiting the impact I could have on the problems I see within “the system” by choosing to remain an outsider. Fuck that. I came to shake up the status quo. If a “proper” haircut and less safety pins makes that possible so-fucking-be-it. It’s a worthwhile tradeoff. Oh, and fuck you for condemning my choices. Asshat.

      • SallyTheDoorknob January 28, 2015

        Oh wow! And since your transition to the inside, I bet really shook up some stuff, huh? Why, I bet the old status quo just doesn’t even know what hit it!

        Nobody is condemning your choices, they are judging them. Big difference.

    • Kiki January 13, 2015

      Are you trying to be funny? There have been hundreds of research papers on this kind of thing. Just attend a PSY101 or SOC101 class.

    • clashcityrocker0997 January 15, 2015

      It’s cause they don’t know what they want, but then again who does? Unfortunately the system we are a part of is a social contract, and we’re expected to follow their rules in order to live here. Basically no matter how much you hate it, you still gotta pay rent somehow, even if that is conformity of appearance.

  14. alusul January 13, 2015

    Hey so did I read that right he got McCoy to say to the media that she got punked by a cop at age 33 with 2 kids?!?! ohhh booyyyyyy

  15. alusul January 13, 2015


  16. AxeButcher January 13, 2015

    Oh how I love the satire. Almost as funny is the people who read too far in to it.

  17. icantbelieveireadthis January 13, 2015

    who cares? like this doesn’t happen? why is is news? is the guy still punk? i can’t believe i clicked and read this. some dude is shocked that his ex girl friend is not punk anymore. big deal.

    • Kiki A. Lewis January 13, 2015

      It’s supposed to be a joke. I don’t understand how anyone read this and thought it was a real story. Pretty sure many of these comentors must have missed the crowd quite often when stage diving.

    • Melissa January 16, 2015

      It’s not a real story. For Christs sake, does no one understand what satire is???

  18. icantbelieveireadthis January 13, 2015

    to be fair. the pictures seem legit.

    • icantbelieveireadthis January 13, 2015

      but it’s not. it’s fake.

  19. CR January 13, 2015

    Not sure if this is true or not and I will say that these 2 words are hardly put together but it is possible to be “classy” and punk at heart. I after a lot of soul searching had to put away the colored hair, chains, ripped clothing and general fuck it attitude but I still don’t conform to everything, I question authority, find out facts and make proper decisions based on what I know vs what I used to “think” I knew. I like to save the fun stuff for concerts and things like that it’s Kind of fun gives you a reason to lead a double life ya know…. It is not easy either when you come to the realization that your starting to mature, I personally mourned my old self it’s not a easy transition but it’s something that can be pretty remarkable!

  20. Fernando Orozco January 13, 2015

    PSA – For all of you that haven’t figured it out yet, this is a satire site. If you yell at the people in the articles for what they have/ haven’t done, you are that guy/girl who probably believes the headlines of The Onion are true.

  21. Michael Pruitt January 14, 2015

    Punk is fucking dead. It died in the late 80’s. “It’s all just a state of mind”? Get the fuck over it and grow up.

  22. Bre January 14, 2015

    I keep seeing that this might not be real. I want this to be real. I moved to OKC from olympia and have turned into a housewife and would love to meet her!

    • Melissa January 16, 2015

      Oh my god.

    • Val January 28, 2015

      Yeah, one problem with that plan, though. She’s not real.

  23. Skrewdriver RAC January 14, 2015

    How can a punk be 33 years old? Punk died long before they were even born…

    • When the Volks Comes In January 28, 2015

      You know who else died? Ian Stuart! Terrible car crash of a ridiculous little Volkswagen Golf, of all things! LOL… probably left his feeble, abnormal brain in, like, five, six pieces, scattered all over the Sutton Parkway. Real tragedy, that…

  24. jethro skull January 14, 2015

    Responding seriously and believing this article is funnier than th article itself. Ppl just love to explain what punk is “all about”.

  25. Alex Kacha January 14, 2015

    Lol that is not Katy.

  26. some minority January 14, 2015

    Being old sucks, but being old and punk is gross and sucks.

  27. I Am The Angel January 14, 2015

    That’s absolutely Katy, you can tell by the tattoos, you can see the bottom of her milkshake tat on her left arm.

  28. tealtomato January 14, 2015

    I love what a fellow commenter said that it’s possible to still be punk and classy. “I still don’t conform to everything, I question authority, find out facts and make proper decisions based on what I know vs what I used to “think” I knew.” –Love this.

    In terms of this blog, I don’t think style makes a dam* bit of difference. Erin can still change the world by questioning, researching, and making her voice stand out. IN FACT, by “conforming” in style, she may be able to initiate change that she couldn’t before because mainstream people will listen to her.

    This exact reason was a motivating factor for me not coming out as atheist to our Christian community and why we still remain closeted to some. While our authenticity and honesty to our close friends and family has resulted in turmoil yet AMAZING freedom, sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to remain closeted, for their sakes (because then maybe they’d listen.) Bad boundaries, I know, which is why we chose freedom in the end 🙂 <– our story

  29. J January 14, 2015

    Hahaha oh my gosh, the comments are better than the article. how did you people even find this satrical article, let alone believe it? so tasty, so unbelieveably tasty.

  30. finx January 14, 2015

    On another note, that Crass t-shirt is clean as fuck.

  31. Bruce Botnet January 16, 2015

    There are two kinds of responses to satirical articles that I enjoy:
    1.) the responses of people who don’t realize it’s satire
    2.) the responses of people who feel compelled to inform the other people that the article was satire

    Each are hilarious in their own way.

  32. anonymous3 January 16, 2015

    Yeah punk isn’t a haircut or what type of jeans you wear! It’s a septum piercing!

  33. j dogg January 17, 2015

    She also got fat

  34. Ian January 20, 2015

    i kind of want to believe that this comment thread was also created by the satire site responsible for the article. i’m just gonna go ahead and do that.

  35. Nicholas Richardson January 24, 2015

    Why is it so hard to believe that someone grew up? I used to be a hardcore goth junkie homeless street kid weirdo but I decided before it was too late to do something with my life that I didn’t want to spend my entire life going in and out of jail for drugs and now I live in a nice suburban apartment and do demos at costco for a living… it isn’t the best I could have done but it is definitely nice having a home and a functioning brain.

  36. Hannahconda January 25, 2015

    Hah! If the headline wasn’t enough of a giveaway, then the comment about hate moshing a fire marshall should’ve erased all doubt that this, is indeed, satire. Then again, the best satire is the least obvious. So kudos to the writer, I suppose.

  37. andydwyerismyspiritanimal January 27, 2015

    Oh my god….its “they’re” which is a contraction of “they are”. Grammar matters.

  38. punks are fags January 27, 2015

    i love how no one on this website understands this website is complete satire

  39. Oswald January 28, 2015

    How do people not realize this is a humor site? I keep seeing comments that indicate people are taking it seriously. How dumb is that? Do you think The Onion is serious too?

  40. Shon Stoehr January 28, 2015

    What???? Punk scene in the year 2000 something? Early 1980’s , ya, that sounds right, but really?

  41. Jay Lepire January 31, 2015

    For any idiot who doesn’t realize this is satire, and goes on about how they “Were”” punk but are “Normal” now… If you say you were, you weren’t.

  42. Mike Hamilton February 7, 2015

    Oh man, you guys are fuckin funny. Half of you want to believe so bad to validate your own bullshit. The other half thinks it is real. I’m really surprised to not have seen the word sheep! Seriously, get a fucking clue. “I’m a mom and a rebel” Great, more stupid kids coming down the pike. Big reveal, you are neither a mom nor a rebel. You are a retard. Your kids will be retards. Thanks for the extra burden on society. Now I have to pay for your retarded child. You wanna be punk? How bout you grow the fuck up and not worry about what other people think. It’s been fun reading your infantile bullshit, but more important things call. Stay incredibly stupid and I’ll get back to you next time I have to take a shit and need a good laugh…

  43. Mike Hamilton February 7, 2015

    Almost forgot, this shit is a long one… Funniest thing I’ve heard in weeks, “I went main stream to fuck the system from the inside.” You went main stream to eat a fucking sandwich in air conditioning. The system is totally shaking in its boots. Tell Brian in accounting I said go fuck yourself…

  44. Don't Worry About It February 9, 2015

    Typical Poser, wannabe. Punk Rock is not about how many tattoos or piercings you have. I’m going to die my hair pink and act like an asshole. See it everyday. Punk Rock comes from the heart, not from your fashion statement.

  45. beaverhausen February 10, 2015

    She didn’t sell out; she bought in.

Comments are closed.