OLYMPIA, Wash. – Local punk Kyle Watkins, 33, made a startling discovery while stalking old friends on Facebook last night — his ex-girlfriend is totally normal now.
The ex-girlfriend in question, Erin McCoy, formerly known simply as “Bulldogg,” dated Watkins for three years over a decade ago when they were both very active members of their local DIY scene.
“I was kind of drunk and feeling a little lonely so I decided to look her up. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, she had on mom jeans and a frumpy shirt. But worst of all, she had this super reasonable, age appropriate haircut,” Watkins said about his former pit-warrior/lover. “It’s completely symmetrical, dude.”
McCoy was a staple of the Olympia punk scene in the early 2000’s, known for her aggressive dance moves and willingness to mix it up with anyone looking for a fight. The recent discovery that she is now a mother of two young boys and married to a salesman for advanced medical prosthetics has shaken Watkins to his core.
“I never thought I would see the day. This is the same girl who bit off the cap of a beer bottle because no one had an opener, and fronted one of the most violent bands in the scene,” Watkins said. “I once saw her hate mosh a Fire Marshall.”
When asked to comment on the situation, McCoy responded via email from her three-bedroom, two-bath suburban home outside of Oklahoma City.
- Record Collector in Poor Condition Scores VG++ Girlfriend
- Girlfriend Thrilled Your 15 Touring Friends Will Sleep on Every Surface of Apartment Tonight
- Polyamorous Guy Who Brought Ukulele to Party Explains Feminism to Young Women
“Oh yeah, my infamous riot grrl days? Once I went to college I sort of found myself. I like my new life. My boys are a handful, but to be honest I would rather get peed on by one of them than some random guy on stage who thinks he’s the reincarnation of GG Allin,” McCoy said. “Fuck that shit, I drive a Range Rover now.”
Watkins also told The Hard Times he discovered his high school best friend is now a cop and “absolutely does not” want to get the band back together.
Photo by Lizzie Phillips.