LOS ANGELES — After coming out victorious in the multi-billion dollar bidding war to acquire Warner Bros., Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos was seen leaving the negotiations sporting a boardwalk-style graphic tee reading, “If You See The FCC Investigating Anti-Competitive Acquisition, Warn a Brother,” our sources confirm. “This old thing? Just something I found in the closet, I just dropped a band on the Looney Tunes company, so I thought I’d show my appreciation and excitement,” said the Netflix CEO as he lit up a cigar and answered questions while waiting for a Waymo. “Get ready for Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, DC, and Wizard of Oz spin-offs, amusement parks, and crossovers. I’m thinking maybe Eleven from Stranger Things joins the Scooby Doo gang, or what about Mindhunter season 3 revolving around catching Pennywise? The possibilities are endless! They just won’t be in theaters, ever again.” At press time, Sarandos laughed uncontrollably until his ride arrived when asked about the ethical and logistical aspects of consolidating the multi-media entertainment enterprises.
Oof, That Didn’t Age Well: Five Episodes of “Full House” Where Aunt Becky Offers to Get D.J. Admitted to USC by Bribing the School with $500,000 to Have Her Accepted as a Fake Rowing Recruit
If you’re of millennial age, chances are pretty high that you grew up watching the heavily syndicated sitcom “Full House”. This saccharine comedy-drama was filled with family-friendly lessons about love, doing the right thing, and that’s basically it. It constantly pervaded every living room in the country for eight years before mercifully going off the air.
Upon revisiting this series, we noticed some scenes that definitely did not age well, given actress Lori Loughlin’s 2020 conviction and prison sentence for her connection with a college admissions bribery scandal. As such, here are five episodes where Aunt Becky offers to get D.J. admitted to USC by bribing the school with $500,000 to have her accepted as a fake rowing recruit.
- Season 2 Episode 2: “Tanner vs. Gibbler”
You likely remember this episode as the one where D.J. throws a surprise birthday party for her best friend Kimmy, only to have Kimmy walk out after showing up with her cool, older friends. You may have forgotten, however, Aunt Becky’s offer to have D.J. feel better by having her friends’ parents pool together their money to amass half a million dollars for a bribe to eventually get D.J. into USC. Pretty shocking given that this was Aunt Becky’s first appearance on the show.
- Season 3 Episode 2: “Back to School Blues”
It’s the first day of junior high for D.J., and she is not having a good time. From being separated from Kimmy to eating lunch alone in a phone booth after being laughed at by the entire cafeteria, today is an absolute disaster. What certainly doesn’t help, though, is Aunt Becky’s insistence that D.J. overcome this by telling everybody she’s a highly sought-after crew member in anticipation of future college recruitment. Ease up a little, Aunt Becky, she’s only in seventh grade!
- Season 3 Episode 21: “Just Say No Way”
Uh oh, D.J. got caught with beer at the school dance, and there’s no convincing Uncle Jesse that she was just holding a can brought by her date Kevin and his shitty friends. She’s in big trouble, and Aunt Becky is only making matters worse by telling her it’s OK if this keeps her from being accepted into a good school, because she’s got a plan to bribe the admissions department at USC when it’s time to send out applications. Come on, Aunt Becky, you’re only giving the green light for D.J. to slack off and misbehave!
- Season 7 Episode 17: “The Last Dance”
Ugh, D.J.’s great-grandfather Papouli JUST died, and Aunt Becky is callously talking about her contact who can facilitate a “side-door” admission into USC with a weighty bribe while everyone else is standing around the kitchen table crying. A little tact would be the least she could have shown here, but sadly, she’s as lacking in that as she is in basic human empathy.
- Season 8 Episode 9: “Stephanie’s Wild Ride”
OK, this one’s not just on Aunt Becky. After the family finds out that Stephanie’s friend Gia is in the hospital from a car wreck, Danny, Jesse and Joey immediately join Aunt Becky in compiling fabricated documentation of D.J.’s elite rowing career to send to USC along with her application, without so much as a passing glance at Stephanie to see how she’s dealing with the news. We’ve heard of middle child syndrome, but this is ridiculous!
Keith Richards Cancelled Over Controversial Relationship in 1890s
WESTON, Conn. — Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is reportedly cancelled after fans discovered his controversial relationship with an underage teenager back in the late 19th century, sources confirmed.
“Henri? Oh, she was a gal, a real gal. Real looker. Lovely boat race, d’you know what I mean?” Richards said incomprehensibly while smoking two cigarettes at once. “Sure, she was only 14 back then, but I assure you she looked 16. That’s legal, right? She’s also been long dead after she passed away of old age at 36. It’s not like she was 12 or anything. That would’ve been creepy. My biggest regrets were people finding out about this relationship with an 8th grader and recording ‘Satanic Majesties.’ A relatively unblemished track record for a guy whose career spans 140 years.”
Rolling Stones publicist Jamal Simpson defended the seemingly immortal guitarist.
“Keith Richards makes no apologies for being legally married to a child,” said Simpson. “He even wrote a song about her once. Furthermore, there is zero evidence that Keith was anything but a good husband and a productive member of society during the Chester A. Arthur administration. In fact, if you go to the town archives, you can see photos of Keith and a group of locals, in the process of repairing the local church that was damaged in a fire. And in the background, you can see Willie Nelson playing the banjo.”
Some believe these sorts of relationships were commonplace for classic rock musicians throughout the 1800s.
“The marriage was legal back then. But I can see why it’s not a good look today,” said rock journalist Brianna Yates. “But dating very young girls has always been a thing with rock stars—they lose their moral compass whenever they see middle school students. And to be fair, Mick Jagger also went hog wild with relationships back in those days too, like his brief stints with Susan B. Anthony and Florence Nightengale. They were all doing it.”
At press time, Richards was seen attending the COP climate conference in Brazil to give a keynote on how he endured the last ice age.
Punk ASMR Creator Holds Microphone Up to Bandage Slowly Peeling Off Skin
MINNEAPOLIS — Paige Gerbert, known as online creator ASMR Pope Hammer, posted a viral video on her YouTube account titled “ASMR | Sound of Bandage Slooowly Peeling Off My Skin (warning: gloppy),” confirmed sources who couldn’t click it fast enough.
“I was recovering from a leg injury I got in the pit at a Turnstile show. Someone in sandals hooked me bad with their big toenail. The doctor my shitty health insurance sent me to gave me a bandage and a prescription for gas station kratom and a microphone for contacting aliens,” said Gerbert, who refers to herself as an ASMRtist. “This gave me an idea. When the trench of puss in my leg stopped smelling, I turned the gain way up on the mic and held it close. Then I peeled the bandage off real slow, like for 30 minutes. Next thing I know, I’ve got 10 million views. Now I’m uploading more videos with audio from things like the soft nut mashing of skateboarding injuries, fleshy rat bites, and sticky omphalolith removals—I dare you to look that up—but I’ll close my show with my big hit.”
A local fan of ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response) explained the appeal.
“I’m personally responsible for 50,000 of those 10 million views. There’s just something about the sound of a bandage being removed from an open wound that puts me to sleep,” said Marcus Murphy. “Those goopy, crispy sounds give me the chilliest tingles. They even helped me cure my insomnia. I no longer need Monster Energy throughout the day to function. However, it turns out I do need someone messing with their lacerations to get adequate sleep. The bloodier the better.”
One of the first and foremost ASMR creators, Maria Viktorovna—also known as ASMR Gentle Whispering—congratulated Gerbert.
“That ASMR Pope Hammer hit 10 million views without first posting a cranial nerve exam, eye exam, or dermatological exam video is amazing. Lucky her, she won’t need to deal with billing health insurance, since 41% of Americans now get their medical care from ASMR exams on YouTube,” whispered Viktoronova while instinctively running her fingers through a hair brush. “It’s only a matter of time before the tight-knit back waxing community finds her and she hits the mainstream.”
As of press time, Gerbert couldn’t believe her luck when she lost half her arm in a tragic accident, which she plans to use to create countless ASMR videos.
Opinion: If Trump is “Evil,” Then Why is He All About Making Deals, a Trait Classically Associated With Jesus Christ?
Is there anything the left loves more than attempting to smear and vilify the leader of our great nation? It seems like everywhere I go on the internet to pick fights, it’s “Trump is a pedophile” this and “Trump is a Nazi” that. If that wasn’t bad enough, now I see these ANTIFA commie’s attacking our President’s very Christianity!
These whackjobs would have you believe that Donald Trump isn’t a true Christian, even though he said he was on television — a fact that just so happened to secure my vote, thank you very much. Some even go so far as to speculate that Trump is actually the antichrist, all because of a few things he’s said and a few things he’s done and a few signs that happen to match up to a few things written in the Book of Revelations pretty eerily. So what?!
What does ANTIFA know about Christianity anyway? Half of you woketards have probably never even heard of Christ, so let me go ahead and tell you about him. He was God’s only son, he preached good things about being good, and he is known mostly for his love of making deals.
There’s a reason for the saying “A deal with the Jesus.” So what in the world could possibly be more Christian than writing an entire book dedicated exclusively to lucrative dealmaking?!
We’ve all heard stories of Christ intervening in the lives of desperate people, and the beats are always the same. Someone is in trouble, needs help, falls down on their knees, and prays. Suddenly, smoke fills the room, accompanied by foreboding red light and an ambient, sinister laugh. From the fog emerges our Lord Jesus Christ, Vanity cane in one hand, tip of his stovepipe hat with the other, grinning ear to ear as he purrs the words “Perhaps we can come to… an arrangement…” You know the rest — a bargain is struck, the old-timey parchment contract is signed in blood and burns away immediately, and Christ disappears back into the smoke and shadow, laughing maniacally. The desperate Christian then finds their wish fulfilled, only for it to backfire in some unforeseen way.
As the scripture teaches us, “Surrender your soul unto Christ and thou shalt receive thy heart’s greatest desire, but with a cruel and macabre twit.”
We’re talking about a man who took a missing set of footprints in the sand and spun it into a lucrative hero story that still graces coffee mugs and Christian gift shop placards to this day. Clearly, our Lord has read “The Art of the Deal.”
Next thing they’re gonna tell us it’s not “Christian” to start World War III. How else are we all supposed to get to heaven?!
ICE Agent Wakes Up in Cold Sweat From Recurring Nightmare Where Migrant Worker Puts in Hard Days Work, Minds Own Business, and Does Best To Take Care of Family
RALEIGH, N.C. — Federal Immigration Officer Ronny Pimmental once again woke up in terror after experiencing a recurring nightmare of migrant workers providing for their families and trying to enjoy their lives, sources confirmed.
“I’ve tried everything to get these nightmares to stop. I’ve been drinking more, experimenting with drugs, and trying to avoid sleep altogether. It seems like as soon as I close my eyes I see these men and women speaking Mexican and laughing hysterically, it’s awful,” said the officer who was fired from all his previous jobs due to rage issues. “Sometimes I’ll be frozen in an illegal alien’s home watching them play with their kids. I try to scream ‘Freeze, Immigration, you’re under arrest’ to get control of the situation, but my mouth makes no sound. I’m stuck there just watching a happy family when all I want to do is make sure those children are locked up far away from the eyes of lawyers and advocacy groups.”
Kat Suarez, a local community organizer who helps migrant workers caught up in raids attain legal counsel, says all of the ICE agents she has met are complete cowards.
“I’m not shocked to hear that these guys are having trouble sleeping at night. From what I can gather, most of these officers seem upset they aren’t allowed to breastfeed anymore. They also seem to be so juiced on TRT that they all look like a 7-Eleven hot dog that’s ready to burst,” said Suarez. “If they have a mandate to get criminals off the street, then all they need to do is march into the nearest police station and admit that they love driving drunk, and their favorite pastime is knocking their kids around a bit. The migrant families in our community are not the problem.”
Tactical commander Gregory Bovino admitted he also has nightmares related to the job.
“People look at me and see a big tough guy who could probably kick the crap out of Iron Man and Batman at the same time, and mostly that’s true, but sometimes I do have moments of weakness,” said Bovino. “I’ll often dream about the raids I’ve helped organize and wake up regretting the fact we didn’t attack more people protesting. All those people off to the sides with their cardboard signs, they are dangerous individuals, and I wish we took the time to tear gas more of them. But there is always the next batch of protesters, and we have an endless supply of pepper balls and rubber bullets.”
At press time, Officer Pimmental plans on taking a leave of absence after he discovered he enjoys the taste of horchata.
New Spotify Wrapped Feature Shows How Much of Your Money Went to Funding AI Warfare Technology
STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Spotify released its popular annual year-end “Wrapped” feature which gives users a snapshot of their music and podcast listening trends along with a new feature that shows how much of their money went to fund AI warfare technology, multiple users confirmed.
“We are always looking for ways to make Wrapped engaging for the user. Whether it’s creating custom genres with hilarious names, delightful auras, or a heat map of where AI drones are dropping bombs across the world. We make all the Wrapped content easy to share so your friends and family can see exactly how much of your money has helped fund these instruments of death,” said CEO Daniel Ek. “It’s the loyal Spotify customers who don’t want to lose access to playlists they’ve curated over the past decade who make these war machines possible. Try to boycott us, you can’t. We live inside your head.”
Long-time Spotify customer Eddie Landers admits his Wrapped synopsis was embarrassing on multiple levels.
“I realized around July that my Wrapped was going to be fucked this year. I tried to beat the algorithm by listening to ‘90s hardcore bands on loop. But despite my best efforts, Sabrina Carpenter was still my top artist this year. And worse, I’m in the top 3% of listeners worldwide. I wish I could blame my girlfriend, but I’ve been single for eight years,” said Landers. “Then the Wrapped took a really dark turn where it showed a weird dancing robot creature with my face shoving piles of money into a furnace that said ‘War’ with a clip of ‘Please Please Please’ playing. I want to delete this app, but the Tidal algorithm will take weeks to learn my preferences, and I don’t have time for that.”
Sociologist Debra Harrington believes most people will stick with Spotify despite the company’s many shortcomings.
“Yeah, Spotify doesn’t pay artists well, they are pushing for more AI content on their platform, and their investment in Helsing is morally bankrupt. But what is the average person supposed to do? Use Deezer? That’s just not going to happen,” said Harrington. “Spotify is too big at this point. They could send goons into your house to smack your dog around for hours and you would still be like ‘But without Spotify how will I discover new music?’ But you can take solace in the fact that you aren’t alone. The world is filled with cowards who won’t cancel their account.”
At press time, Ek announced Spotify would once again cut artist royalty payments in order to invest in a company that intentionally pollutes drinking water in underdeveloped countries.
Multi-Hyphenate? My Therapist Said I’m Obsessive-Anxious-Avoidant
My name is Sebastian, and I’m a multihyphenate. I’ve actually had many multihyphenate titles ever since I learned what multihyphenate means. Like writer-actor-mom’s basement dweller. Or photographer-producer-female ogler. Or comedian-podcaster-grifter. But my latest is my most impressive yet: my therapist said I’m obsessive-anxious-avoidant.
It makes sense that a title that refers to having a diverse set of creative skills is one that I’d get to call myself. I mean, my WORK, it’s like being in a relationship, honestly. It’s like I’m married to my art. And you know, when I think about my art, my attachment style makes sense. Like, I’m anxious-attached and obsessive, so I have been writing the same screenplay for 3 years. And like, I’m avoidant, so I can never meet my deadlines because what if they reject me? My dedication and love for my art is why I have 16 unread texts from 5 different women I met at the MJ Lenderman show.
It’s really cool, you know, that I’m a multihypenate. At least, I thought it was cool until I realized that being a multihypenate is lowkey kind of just being a jack of all trades, a master of none. And that makes me think of my ex because she really loved Beach House and that song “Master of None”. No, wait, I’m thinking of the other blonde one. No, the other one. Or maybe she’s brunette.
I’m anxious avoidant just because I have too much love to give. Like, honestly, it’s kind of special that I can have such a close connection with so many people.
One of my many exes gave me a different multihypenate label, which was “manipulative-gaslighting-love bomber,” but honestly, I think I’m a nice guy. I treat women really well and tell them really nice things. Who doesn’t want to hear nice things like, “I’ve never met anyone like you,” and “you remind me so much of my favorite ex-girlfriend that I still see every month for coffee,” and “I’d like to see you again” right before I leave for a 2-month-long work trip. Or maybe I said I got mono? We’re not meant to keep track of all these things, really.
Hey, you know, I’ve learned a lot in therapy. About my relationship patterns. I think it’s good to learn about yourself. It’s been really helpful. I met a really great therapist, and I’ve been seeing them three times a week. It’s been fun, but now that I’ve received the feedback that I might be the problem, I might lowkey just ghost her.
Bassist Continues Pretending to Know What ‘Playing in the Pocket’ Means
MACON, Ga. — Lionel Quinn, bassist for local band Busted Hump, has no plans to reveal his ignorance of the term to his bandmates for fear of being ridiculed, sources confirm.
“I’ve heard the phrase a bunch of times, but somehow I never learned what ‘playing in the pocket’ actually means,” said Quinn. “I sort of get the idea, but how that translates to what I’m playing on bass is a total mystery to me. You may be saying, ‘Why don’t you just look it up?’ Trust me, I have, but it still makes no sense, and ChatGPT just said ‘Ask again later’ like a magic 8 ball when I asked it to summarize. Everyone seems to have a different definition. I’m just lucky no one’s called me out on it so far.”
Busted Hump’s drummer Phil Kendrick has nothing but praise for Quinn’s playing.
“Lionel and I make up the rhythm section of the band,” said Kendrick while twirling a drumstick. “He has this amazing ability to play in the pocket. The two of us just lock in and get right in that pocket together. Before shows I’ll sometimes say, ‘Let’s really play in the pocket tonight, okay?’ Or when we’re jamming I’ll yell, ‘We’re really in the pocket!’ He usually just smiles sheepishly because he’s too modest to accept compliments. There’s really no one else I’d rather be in the pocket with. I actually like to refer to Lionel and I as The Pocket Bros. That’s how in the pocket we are.”
Venerated session bassist Ernie Sweat says he’s heard a lot of strange musical terms over his long career that made no sense to him.
“I’ve been a studio musician for four decades and I’ve played with all the greats. You better believe I’ve heard all the wacko rock and roll slang and idioms under the sun,” said Sweat. “I’ve never had any clue what these fools are saying. I mean, sure, I know the difference between a lick and a riff I guess. But one time Ronnie Wood asked me to do a ‘banging swallop’ during the prechorus on some song. I just gave a thumbs up. Whatever I did must’ve been good enough because the check cleared after the session.”
At press time, Quinn was overheard responding with a meek, “Thanks, man,” after being complimented for playing “behind the beat” so well after a gig.
Memorial Bench Fucked On
SYRACUSE, N.Y. — A stroll in the park took a salacious turn today after one passerby witnessed a couple fucking on a memorial bench, sources confirmed.
“I can’t believe that someone would desecrate a memorial bench by having sex on it—I mean I could understand fucking somewhere romantic like a cemetary rose garden, but a hard bench in the middle of a park?” said Jon Bryson, stopping his morning jog to give a statement. “I had to spray them with my water bottle to get them to stop fucking like alleycats. According to the plaque, Clarence Birmingham was a beloved husband, father, and grandfather and these sick bastards just sprayed a firehose of bodily fluids all over his memory.”
Despite the public outcry, Birmingham’s grandson was reportedly touched by the raunchy public show of affection.
“Grandpa always was a bricked-up horndog, and his final wish was to give back to his neighborhood and provide a sturdy place where regular people from all walks of life could engage in risky public sex. I know that right now he’s up there in heaven smiling, erection in hand, dry jacking it to a couple of straight up freaks slammin’ hams on his memorial bench,” said Tom Birmingham, polishing the plaque to a sheen with astroglide. “Every year on the day he passed, we leave some condoms and porno mags on the memorial bench and wheel Grandma out to the bushes so she can watch some hot honey holes get demolished in Grandpa’s memory.”
Parks groundskeeper Greg Baldinger was committed to stopping the unsanctioned public intercourse.
“We’ve tried everything to stop people from fucking on this bench, but the local pervert community is insatiable. First we put up a lightpost, but folks just threw a sheer cloth over it for some mood lighting. Then we installed anti-fornication spikes, but that just brought out the BDSM crowd,” said Baldinger, pressure washing the bench. “Every night I hear these deviants howling like a dog in heat, you know I’ve broken up three orgies this week? But every time they just scurry off naked into the night, only to return to their carnal fuckfest the minute I leave. I think the worst part of this whole thing is that not once have they invited me to join in for some sexual tusslin’ in the romantic moonlight.”
At press time, the Birmingham family had since gathered to spread Grandpa Clarence’s ashes near the glory hole at the local swinger’s club where he first met his beloved wife.