These days, it’s important for us to find ways to earn a living however we can. Rising costs due to inflation and tariffs can be absolutely devastating to the working class, so I fully support cutting any corners necessary to keep your bottom line as fat as possible. Let’s talk about regulations concerning child labor.

We all know these can be very strict, which is why I’ve managed to circumvent them by refusing to pay the children I’ve hired to work in my meatpacking plant. The first few weeks of this actually went pretty smoothly, with them toiling happily under the misguided notion that there would be fair recompense for their time and effort. However, as more weeks have passed, the constant complaints have evolved into talk of striking, much like the characters in beloved 1992 musical “The Newsies.”

While their umbrage with their lack of compensation has yet to show itself in catchy song and dance routines, who knows what my refusal to give in to their completely reasonable requests will yield in the coming weeks? Because let me make one thing clear: I am a man of principle. I like my shirts starched, my coffee black, and my child laborers unpaid. Call me old-fashioned, but I refuse to budge on this. No outside force, be it the ACLU or striking teens singing and dancing to a foot-tap inducing rendition of “Seize the Day,” can change my mind.

I should identify the leader and… adopt them? Is that what happens in the movie? Did it backfire?

I’m going to be completely honest here: I’ve largely forgotten the plot of “Newsies.” It’s been a very long time since I’ve seen it, and a middle-aged owner of a plant full of unpaid minors packing dubiously-sourced meat doesn’t really have the time to revisit old cinematic experiences. I just know that, when these kids inevitably decide to rebel and refuse to provide me with the unpaid labor that has so benefited me financially as of late, I’m going to have a real problem on my hands. History is full of unfairly treated adolescent newspaper hawkers winning the hearts of the public, and there’s no reason why this shouldn’t translate to the meatpacking industry. However, as I said earlier, we are in tough economic times. Compensating your employees is a privilege enjoyed by those during periods of positive GDP growth.

So what am I going to do here? Am I to just sit idly by while my tiny employees contact workers in other meatpacking plants throughout the city, much like the Newsies did when organizing their strike? That simply will not do, as other plants almost certainly pay their staff, who are also almost certainly fully grown adults. I run the risk of the media getting wind of my little scheme as well, as Bill Pullman’s reporter character definitely helped the Newsies break through to their curmudgeon distributor. No, I’m going to have to take a step back and think for a bit.

In the meantime, I’ve recently noticed that these kids have just befriended some teen across town who carries a slingshot everywhere. Again, it’s been a while since I’ve seen the movie, but something tells me this can’t be good.