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Accused Racist Claims He Has Plenty of Gay Friends

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. –Glenn White, accused racist, adamantly defended himself on a heated Facebook thread yesterday, claiming he has “plenty of gay friends.”

“Look, my best friend growing up was a gay,” White said to the horde of Internet commenters criticizing his regressive views on welfare recipients and New York’s stop-and-frisk policies. “And not once did I even ask him about it. Mark knew that I accepted him no matter what – that’s how close we were.”

The Facebook commenters were unanimously unsatisfied with that response, arguing that having one gay white male friend doesn’t excuse White’s ignorance about the United States’ centuries-old legacy of institutionalized racism. White had a response for that accusation as well.

“He’s not white, he’s Italian. That’s not white to me, please don’t get me started,” White said.

White continued to defend himself, quickly losing Facebook friends and burning bridges in almost every aspect of his social life, and permanently branding himself as a hateful ignorant man with each increasingly incoherent post.

“He’s as queer as a two dollar bill, and not once did I ever bug him about it,” White said. “And then you go and call me a racist? Your [sic] the only bigot on this thread.”

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After a bit of searching, The Hard Times was able to track down White’s friend, Mark Pedroli, to ask him about his friendship. Currently residing in his suburban Denver home with his wife and two kids, Pedroli was shocked at the ignorance displayed in his old friend’s social media posts.

“Wait, what? Glenn from high school thinks I’m gay?”