New Study Finds that Everything You Thought Was Three Years Ago Was Eight Years Ago

Posted on by Mike Moran

FLOYD KNOBS, Ind. — A new independent study revealed that basically anything you think happened around 2022, was probably closer to 2017, if not earlier.

“We can add this to the list of the great mysteries of science. I first hypothesized this peculiar phenomenon after purchasing a Fischer Price Corn Popper for my niece’s birthday, only to discover the toddler had been replaced by a third grader, which was weird because I just visited her not long ago, and the kid was totally a baby,” said horologist Jillian Ford. “What came before the Big Bang? How does anti-matter work? And how the hell has it been eight years since ‘Ozark’ debuted? I’ve studied the phenomenon of time exhaustively, and in my expert opinion, there’s no freakin’ way I’m in my mid-40s, and yet all data points to that being the case.”

Physicist John Demalti was skeptical of Ford’s claims at first, but has since come to realize we are indeed somehow living in the year 2025, a full one-quarter into the 21st century.

“It seems contradictory,” explained Demalti. “But despite the fact that Prince died just a few years ago, he also, apparently, died nearly a decade ago. It’s truly a Fermi Paradox-type situation. Another thing that may seem like a Mandela Effect is that, according to research, there was actually a four-year gap between Trump being president, though at this point it’s still a mystery as to who, if anyone, actually filled the position.”

Those outside of the scientific community were also shocked by this revelation, including electrician Allen “Skip” Malin.

“Call me a chronology snob, but honestly, I liked time better back when eight years could really change things,” said Malin. “I mean talk about shrinkflation. From 1992 to 2000, I went from playing with ninja turtles to starting college. I watched fashion change from glam, to grunge, to goth, to nu-metal. But from 2017 until now, I’m not sure I’ve even changed my sheets. And do people even dress differently than they did eight years ago? I guess it’s about time for us to start having 2010s nostalgia, but what does that even look like? Does fashion even change anymore?”

As of press time, the study also revealed that we, as a society, were somehow closer to 2055 than 1994.

How To Hold an Intervention for Your Straight Edge Friend’s Liquid Death Problem

Posted on by Mikey Reid

Your straight edge loved one has become ensnared in the terrible trap of Liquid Death abuse and you can’t stand to see them like this. Their addiction has advanced to the point of drinking cans outside of hardcore shows, and they are now indulging before work, family activities, or even while driving. Here’s how to hold an intervention for your straight edge friend’s Liquid Death problem:

Step 1: Gather friends and loved ones who are equally annoyed by how much your friend talks about Liquid Death

The first step is admitting you have a problem. A problem with the amount they talk about Liquid Death, a canned water that’s allegedly from a mountain but is indistinguishable from a bathroom sink. You’re happy about their sobriety, but could they try being clean from talking about how counterculture drinking branded water is?

Step 2: Write personal letters about the ways in which Liquid Death consumption is ruining your relationship. Here’s a template you can use:

Dear (Loved One),
Your Liquid Death addiction has affected me in the following ways:

1) It’s impossible to talk to you when you’re drinking. Seriously, the incessant popping of cans is driving me insane. I have a show I’m trying to invite you to.

2) You know there’s regular water that does the same thing, right?

3) The booker says if I don’t have more than 2 people this time, we have to play the 4 pm slot.

4) Trust me, we already knew you were hardcore when you started speaking in tongues in the Underoath mosh pit. Your water choice doesn’t change that.

5) Could you at least throw away the cans in your truck? I need to borrow it to load in this weekend.

It’s important to use your letter to let them know you are coming from a place of love and not from a place of being a big, jealous hater. Seriously, you can’t let on that their ability to have fun while drinking flat tin-flavored water might be at the root of your complaining.

Step 3: Remove all Liquid Death from the premises until they detox with real water

This is crucial. They may have stashes of Liquid Death hidden in places no one would ever want to look, like their shredded underwear drawer or their bass case. Make sure they have a safe place to go through withdrawal where they won’t be a danger to themselves or others, so stay away from Guitar Centers.

Recovery: Keep them away from triggers: no hardcore music til they kick the can. And whatever you do, don’t let them find out about Topo Chico.

Girlfriend Can’t Go to Sleep After Seeing Line 6 Spider in the Corner

Posted on by James Klinger

MARIETTA, Ga. — Local girlfriend Kaitlynn Gagnon is unable to sleep after spotting a Line 6 Spider in the corner right before shutting her eyes, boyfriend sleepily confirmed.

“Eek! Those things disgust me,” disclosed a terrified Gagnon while holding up her dress and standing on the bed. “There’s absolutely no way I’m going to be able to sleep now with that thing in the corner, especially while it’s making that weird buzzing sound at us. How didn’t I notice it before? I mean, look at the huge web it’s made already! Isn’t this how the guy from Slayer died? I ain’t goin’ out like that guy.”

Landlord Connor Walters confirmed that this wasn’t an isolated incident.

“Alright, I’ll spill, but let’s just keep this between us. There’s a bit of an infestation of Line 6 Spiders in the complex right now,” Walters frustratingly admitted. “This isn’t the first tenant that’s complained to me about them and it probably won’t be the last. I’ve done everything I can to get the apartments looking ready and appear functioning for new tenants. I’ve painted over a few during renovations but after seeing nest after nest made from rusty First Act cables I think it might be time to call in an expert.”

Lance Gerald, the exterminator on scene, provided some insight on these disgusting but misunderstood creatures.

“Spider phobias are quite common. This species, Acies Sex Aranea, better known as the Line 6 Spider are harmless although they can make a harsh screech when threatened,” said Gerald while loading up his exterminator equipment which included a slipper and a paper-back copy of “Old Yeller.” “These little buggers are quite prevalent in low income areas, I’ve got a couple in my house too. Sometimes I like to play with them but only when no one’s looking. Generally, it’s best to scoop them up and place them outside, but I’ve got a sledgehammer I’ve been wanting to try out.”

At the current moment, the very pregnant black widow spider living inside the Line 6 sure hopes no one hurts her beautiful home and harms her hundreds of babies.

Trump Signs Executive Order Demanding “Song of the South” be Reinstated at Splash Mountain

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump signed an executive order that required Disneyland to reopen Splash Mountain and “Song of The South” be restored to what he called its “beautiful heritage,” sources confirmed.

“The way that all-time classic has been treated by Disney is a disgrace,” Trump said during the signing of the order. ”People come up to me at my rallies, tears streaming down their face, can you believe, and they say, ‘Well, sir, the Democrats decided honoring Southern heritage was offensive so they replaced our beloved ‘Song of The South’ with Tiana’s ‘Bayou Adventure,’ and it’s just shameful. And you’ll never guess what happened when they did that. It closed down! You had all these people showing up to Disney going, ‘Who the hell is Tiana?’ and they just leave. They leave the park. If Disney doesn’t do the right thing I hate to think of what might happen to them. Once Pete Hegseth finishes drinking his lunch we’re going to discuss our military options because this is a disgrace.”

Disney representative Dianna Brooke was surprisingly on board with the order.

“President Trump made some excellent points in between his rants about ‘the radical left’ and how McDonald’s french fries use to be saltier than they are today,” said Brooke. “We plan to comply with the order fully as soon as we figured out what we did with all the parts from the Splash Mountain ride. After all, Southern heritage is something all Americans should be proud of and celebrate. It’s not about race. It’s about an infinite supply of free labor, which is an initiative Disney can get behind.”

Chief Strategist and aspiring cuckold Stephen Miller applauded Disney’s complicity.

“This marks a brave first step in denouncing the shameful smearing of the Confederacy by Disney, and President Trump and the entire administration congratulate them on their bravery,” Miller said. “The American people can rest easy knowing that the president is committed to renewing state rights and restoring order to our country. This is just the first of many steps the Trump administration will be taking. Next, he will be signing a follow-up order requiring Disney to bring back racist stereotypes in their cartoon characters. Discrimination and bigotry brought a lot of joy to children.”

At press time, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. were being treated at the Disneyland medical center after drinking too much of the chemically treated water on Splash Mountain during the inaugural ride at its grand reopening.

Oh, You’re a Strokes Fan? Name Three Pitchfork Writers

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

You there. Yeah, you. I see you in that, ahem, “vintage” Strokes t-shirt, leaning against the wall in your ripped jeans and your Chuck Taylors. Hey hey hey. Take off those douche-y Wayfarers and look at me with those coked-out eyes of yours when I’m talking to you. At least you got the drug-habit part right. Good good good.

Anyhow, if you’re such a Strokes fan, name three Pitchfork writers. If you’re wearing that shirt, then you know Pitchfork loves their first two albums and hates every one that came after, because all of their records since then have been dogshit. Any Strokes fan worth their obscenely-expensive leather jacket knows their best record since Dubya’s first term is Albert Hammond Jr.’s Momentary Masters, because the band as a creative unit are more dysfunctional than my marriage.

So name some Pitchfork writers. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Lester Bangs? What decade do you think you’re in? Yeah, OK, I guess if you’re into post-punk and booger sugar, you probably think it’s 1978 or whatever. That said, Bangs is a porn-stached asshole who shit on Black Sabbath, the most coked-up band EVER, so fuck him.

Brent DiCrescenzo? That pretentious douche hasn’t been on Pitchfork’s staff in twenty years, which is probably for the best, since he spent more time overwriting than a CD-RW drive. That so-called review of “St. Anger?” He talked about ProTools snorting fire ants. Like, what the fuck does that even mean?

Name one current Pitchfork writer. Just one. You should at least be able to tell me who reviewed their first—and, obviously, best—album.

No no no, “The Modern Age” was their first EP. Their first LP was “Is This It.” Duh.

Give up? Pitchfork’s founder Ryan Schreiber wrote about “Is This It,” because of course he did. No one else was qualified to write about an album THAT cool, by a band THAT cool, on a site THAT cool — except for its insanely-cool founder. Schreiber’s so cool he left Pitchfork before it went downhill and became totally un-cool. Shit, he was probably wearing a Strokes shirt when he strutted out those doors one last time.

Anyway, got any coke I could buy off you?

Country Songwriter Has Totally New Angle on Dirt Roads, Cold Coors Light, and a Pretty Blonde Gal Whose Mama Raised Her Right

Posted on by Jason Clemence

NASHVILLE — Country songwriting newcomer Bill “Ribeye” Jackson unveiled a new track that reportedly had completely inverted the dominant paradigm of down-home narratives about dirt roads, cold Coors Light, and pretty blonde gals whose mama raised ‘em right, confirmed sources.

“In the hands of lesser performers, dirt roads are just a simple stand-in for small town simplicity and the idea that communities with populations greater than 5,000 are weird and scary,” said Jackson. “But hoo boy, you’d better believe listeners are going to love my first hit about how the federal government ought to descend upon small towns to pave over those dirt roads in order to encourage commercial investment. No more four-wheelin’ and country cruisin’, boys. In my quaint fantasy world, the best way to connect with your rough-around-the-edges buddies involves non-profit social justice collectives and enjoying a few warm Coors Lights that have been sitting out in the sun for a while.”

Country performer Jeff McCoomb expressed enthusiasm for Jackson’s groundbreaking approach.

“All the bigshots who get radio play and platinum records these days just seem to want to chug cans of cheap domestic beer and drive out to the edge of town with their buddies. I don’t know if my esteemed colleagues know this, but impaired vehicle operation is illegal,” said McCoomb. “Well, after a nasty bidding war, my manager just bought the rights to Jackson’s newest song, which will provide an important corrective to such recklessness by telling the tale of a rowdy young man who does some serious soul-searching after downing a 12-pack, plowing into a family of four, and getting off with just probation because his daddy plays poker with the local prosecutor.”

Record producer Jimmy “Ace” Brennan expressed similar approval of Jackson’s characterization of women.

“Instead of cowboy boots, Daisy Dukes, and an old checkered shirt tied just right to show what God gave her, the girl in Ribeye’s newest song wears a tastefully tailored business suit to prepare for her admissions interview at Oberlin. The song’s narrator will rethink his casual objectification of women when she comes home for Thanksgiving break and introduces him to the work of feminist academic luminaries like bell hooks and Joan Copjec,” said Brennan. “We all know that modern country music fans crave variety in their music, and a song like this will really challenge them to think about a new perspective on what women are capable of.”

At press time, Jackson was putting the finishing touches on a new track about how, although a very small percentage of folks on food and housing assistance might be working the system, a comprehensive social safety net is exactly what Jesus would have wanted.

Trump Claims “Very Successful” Bombing Campaign in Iran Has Killed the Actual Osama bin Laden

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump boasted that the U.S.-led military strike on Iranian nuclear facilities successfully killed the architect of the 9/11 attacks, Osama bin Laden, who was previously thought to have been killed in 2011 by elite military forces, sources confirmed.

“We got him, well I got him. Because this was my idea, and it was a great idea I had, I’m not sure why nobody thought of this before me. Today all of America, and the world, can sleep a little bit better because we killed a really bad dude. Osama, sounds like the name of a president we used to have, is dead. America’s big beautiful bombs landed right on top of him and turned him into dust,” said Trump. “Some people, not very smart people, say he has been dead for over a decade. But that was part of the radical leftist lunatic Democrats’ plan to open up our borders so even more people could fly planes into towers. That’s what they want. Democrats were cheering in New Jersey when those planes hit.”

Trump supporter Darren Osgood was ecstatic when he heard the news.

“You see, I knew the government was lying when they said they killed him back in the day. We never even saw the body. If they actually killed him they should have put him on top of a truck and drove him around to every town in America so we could see that dead son of a bitch,” said Osgood. “But thankfully Trump used real bombs to vaporize that piece of crap. And I don’t want to hear any of these liberals whining and complaining about how this was an illegal strike that goes against American values. Think about the gas prices, those are probably going to be lower again, I think, and that’s what really matters.”

Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard refuted the president’s claim.

“There is no evidence that Osama bin Laden was still alive, and there is certainly no evidence that he was in Iran trying to enrich uranium in order to make a nuclear weapon. These were targeted strikes on multiple facilitie,s and we tried to keep civilian casualties to a minimum,” said Gabbard. “That said, President Trump has now installed himself as the honorary leader of the new SEAL Team 6. He also said he plans on holding a celebration where he will present himself with the Presidential Medal of Freedom and a Purple Heart. While he’s doing that I’ve been smashing every mirror in a ten-mile radius because I can’t stand to look at myself anymore.”

At press time, Trump claimed he personally arrested bank robber, and Public Enemy Number One, John Dillinger, and plans to ship him to El Salvador.

FAA Declares Real Motherfuckers Can Still Fly With Their Old ID

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

WASHINGTON — The Federal Aviation Administration announced that real motherfuckers may still board all domestic flights, regardless of Real ID status, White House sources have confirmed.

“Look, some people just can’t be bothered to comply with federal regulation, even if they’ve had seven years to do so,” said FAA spokesperson Michael Donnahugh. “At the FAA, we understand that some people’s lifestyles prevent them from stepping foot inside a DMV out of principle or even holding down a job long enough to produce a pay stub. These real motherfuckers are simply too busy living their lives or standing motionless with arms crossed at the back of a hardcore show, and it’s unreasonable to expect them to do anything to the contrary.”

The FAA’s recent shift in policy left some people wondering why they jumped through so many hoops to become Real ID compliant.

“I just don’t get it,” said frustrated Las Vegas resident Sarah Ramos. “I waited in line at the DMV for five hours, just to be told I need a second form of identification. Is the driver’s license they issued me not enough? I mean, come on. I had to take a PTO day for this. Those don’t grow on trees. And now they’re telling me all these people get a pass? I don’t usually get political, but this is bullshit.”

Local real motherfuckers were quite pleased with the FAA’s rule.

“I’ve just been busy, man,” said Deathshits bassist and real motherfucker Aaron Mitchell. “Life is too short for standing in line, proving you work and live places. It’s just not how I want to spend my time. Plus my grindcore band is on the verge of making it. So between band practice and restoring this old rally car, I really haven’t had time to do much of anything. I’m just glad my bandmates and I can still fly. It’s hard enough driving our equipment van to Oklahoma City for unpaid gigs. When we eventually hit the national circuit, it will be great to not have to drive. Especially in New York.”

At press time, the FAA emphasized that being Real ID non-compliant doesn’t automatically qualify you for real motherfucker status, but every citizen without Real ID is encouraged to check their status within the online federal database.

I’m the Guy That Plays the Bell on “Hells Bells” & “For Whom the Bell Tolls,” & Work Has Been Slow as Fuck Ever Since

Posted on by Tyler Roland

Hey, kid. I may not be a household name, but back in the day, I was one of the in-demand session players. From ‘80 to ‘84, I was untouchable on the bell. They called me Tinnitus, ‘cause I couldn’t stop ringing.

See, I started off in my local church, doing the hourly peals on a part-time basis. But in 1970, when I heard “Black Sabbath” by Black Sabbath on Black Sabbath, I had an awakening. Bells weren’t just for signaling the time of day. They could fucking rock.

Trouble is, bells are a bitch to lug around, so I didn’t get much action. I was a force in the local scene, though. I’d volunteer with the Salvation Army every Christmas and go ham on the little handheld bells. The hard work paid off. In 1980, I got a call that changed everything.

Aussie rock legends AC/DC needed a kickass way to crack open “Hells Bells.” I told that schoolboy Angus Young “I got one word for ya pal: a bell.” I knew it was a big deal, since Bon Scott had just suffered a rock star’s untimely death. I dragged over the best bell I could get from the foundry and let it rip, immortalized on Back In Black forever.

Just a few years later, those guys in Metallica offered me another gig on “For Whom the Bell Tolls.” It was “bong, bong!” all over again. At this rate, I thought, I’d be shredding the Liberty Bell in no time.

Now, you’d think that being featured on not one, but two iconic albums would result in goddamn megastardom. Yet I write this just before cleaning the shitters at Taco Bell. For some reason, I was never asked to tour as a hired gun; I suspect Lars harbored some envy.

Not only that, I got blacklisted from those sweet church gigs. They kept dropping that bullshit “devil’s music” excuse every time I flashed my resume. In 1994, I tried like hell to get on Pink Floyd’s “High Hopes,” but no dice. They had already landed the dude who maintains Big Ben.

Now I’m reduced to making some field recordings that I hawk on Bandcamp and fx sites. Those booming tones are a dying breed. Pisses me off when those pussies resort to backing tracks live. More bands need people like me. I mean, just look at the platinum records on my wall. Bells used to sell.

Man Attending Bright Eyes/Cursive Concert Excited to Relive the Glory Days of the Most Miserable and Depressed Time in His Life

Posted on by Kevin Coons

BOSTON — Local father and software engineer Evan Froom is reportedly excited to see emo bands Bright Eyes and Cursive perform together, recalling an earlier time in his life when he loved both bands and was emotionally stunted and deeply depressed, confirmed sources.

“When I saw the tour announcement, I was just so thrilled,” Froom explained. “To get both Tim and Conor on the same bill is a dream concert. Everything has been going well for me lately and listening to those bands really takes me back to a time in my life when I was miserable, near suicidal, and just a horrible person to be around. It’s going to be an amazing show. Maybe I’ll even call up an ex-girlfriend and beg her to take me back at two in the morning for old times’ sake.”

Froom’s longtime best friend, Russ Maple, recalled the “Glory Days” of their Bright Eyes and Cursive fandom.

“Back in the summer of 2003, after Evan’s girlfriend dumped him, he barely got out of bed for weeks,” said Maple. “All he would do was listen to the Cursive song ‘After the Movies’ on repeat all day long. Or he would get drunk off Steel Reserve and post Bright Eyes lyrics to his Livejournal. Things just felt simpler back then, before he started exercising and dealing with his issues in an emotionally mature way.”

Wife Melissa Froom expressed support for her husband attending the concert.

“Everything has been going so great for Evan lately,” she explained. “He just got a promotion at work, he has an active social life, our kids are thriving at school, and he has just seemed so happy lately. He could really use some time away to be completely miserable and hopeless again. He’s always talking about how ‘back in the day’ he’d used to smoke cigarettes instead of eating, or how he’d go to parties and he never knew if he’d end up crying, passing out drunk, or both. I know it’s only for one night, but he really deserves one more chance to completely indulge his inner sense of self-hatred.”

As of press time, Froom was disappointed that everybody at the concert was seemingly having a fun time, and Bright Eyes frontman Conor Oberst was sober and in good spirits.