Aries (March 21-April 19) While it is true that the stars don’t know everything, they do know that you are, without a doubt, wearing a…
Aries (March 21-April 19) Mercury is finally out of the dickhead zone for you, so enjoy the reprieve. Use the time to subject everyone to…
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Rockville mayor “Rowdy” Randy Holmes was removed from his elected position this morning after being deemed unfit to lead in even the…
Aries (March 21-April 19) As an Aries, it’s no secret that you can be a giant diva from time to time… and you know what?…
Hard Times investigates an age-old question: What was the world’s first meme? And what did Billy Idol have to do with it? To see…
Aries (March 21-April 19) Don’t waste your time with someone who isn’t going to change their mind. If you want to go on the…
Well, this isn’t good. Coheed Analytica, a data firm out of the United Kingdom that specializes in using people’s emo phases to undercut the authenticity…
WASHINGTON — Leaders of the #AllLivesMatter movement called for an end to March for Our Lives early this afternoon at a press conference outside of…
SAN FRANCISCO — Local three-legged dog Chester, recently adopted from a nearby no-kill shelter, will live out the rest of his days serving as a…
AUSTIN, Texas — Recent transplant Andre Alvarado was reportedly unsure which merch table was socially acceptable to aimlessly stand by late last week while attending…
SAN ANTONIO — Local “good guy” and gun enthusiast Dean Hart admitted today that “constant” rejection and overwhelming loneliness has only increased his bitterness towards…
PHILADELPHIA — A long-winded and confusing rant last night about gender identity by legendary hardcore frontman Bobbie Bryant was likely meant to be positive, despite…
LOS ANGELES — The dilapidated building that provided the backdrop for every promo photo from every hardcore band ever will be demolished and replaced with…
ALLSTON, Mass. — Residents of a basement apartment on Gardner Street are counting on a single, $5 tub of spackle to repair multiple doors, walls,…
BALTIMORE — Married couple Kenny Wallace and Audrey Tyler are praying to “Christ or whatever the fuck” that the band they’re seeing will not return…