TORRANCE, Calif. — Longtime punk and father Al Diaz thoroughly interrogated his teenage daughter’s new boyfriend last night about which five Black Flag songs are the best, embarrassed sources who are “totally out of here when they are 18” confirmed.
“Gabby [Diaz] warned me her father was sort of a hard-ass, and that he’d ask me all these questions about old man music,” said 17-year-old Carlo Andrade. “The first thing he asked me is if I think ‘crowd surfing is cool,’ and then said Gabby and I could go see a movie once I ranked the five best Black Flag songs… and which singer I thought was best, and why.”
The elder Diaz firmly believes he’s doing his fatherly duty to prevent his daughter from dating potential posers.
“I’m just being a dad — I don’t think I’m doing anything out of the ordinary. Naming five Black Flag songs should be easy for anyone with an even cursory understanding of punk,” said Diaz. “My daughter is my world. I can’t have her dating some guy who thinks Warped Tour counts as a punk show, or that Hot Topic is the best place to buy a band shirt. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night.”
However, the youngest Diaz daughter claimed her father’s constant questioning of her potential suitors’ punk prowess has been an issue since she started dating during her freshman year of high school.
“I remember my first boyfriend Kevin came over for dinner with my family — he showed up wearing a Panic! at the Disco shirt, and my dad slammed the door in his face,” said the teenager, who has been forced to attend punk shows since she was a child. “He turned to me and said, ‘No daughter of mine is dating some swoopy-haired dork.’ Then, he excused himself to alphabetize his record collection. I know he cares about me, but I feel like at this rate, I’ll be alone forever.”
Ultimately, the elder Diaz was disappointed by Andrade’s results.
“I wish my daughter would find a nice punk boy who hates authority and won’t put up with my bullshit,” said Diaz. “Each one of her boyfriends is like, ‘Yes, sir,’ ‘No, sir,’ ‘Understood, sir…’ and not one of them has told me to fuck off, or even tried to fight me. I think I might bring her to the squat over on 34th and introduce her to some of the guys over there.”