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Boyfriend Not Even Close to Providing Instagrammable Lifestyle Desired by Partner

PACIFICA, Calif. — Local boyfriend Sam Logan is “not even close” to providing the frequency, duration, and intensity of Instagrammable moments required to keep his girlfriend satisfied, bored sources confirmed.

“When we started dating, he was always revved up and ready to put me on a rowboat on a cute little lake with a bottle of champagne,” 22-year-old Cat Almeida said of the early, passionate days of her relationship with Logan. “It was nonstop — I think we spent three solid months inside The Color Factory. But now, the most interesting thing we do is watch ‘House Hunters International.’”

As the relationship matured and the honeymoon period ended sometime after the couple’s four-month anniversary, things slowed down, according to those following the two on Instagram.

“I have to admit, I used to be really jealous of them. They seemed like they were always going on fun adventures outside, like camping, hiking, wakeboarding… all sorts of rad stuff,” said mutual friend Claire Webber. “The last few photos I’ve seen of them together have been pretty boring, though: one of them was in the waiting room of a Jiffy Lube, and the other was a selfie of them near a building that used to be a Blockbuster. It was a real bummer.”

Logan admitted privately that he has personally felt less exciting of late, and worried he may have run out of fun ideas.

“I love her, I really do. I just don’t want to suggest another music festival photo op when we’ve kinda covered that ground before,” said Logan. “I tried to take her horseback riding about a week ago, but before we got started, one of the horses kicked a customer, and the farm shut down for the day.”

Although Almeida largely blames Logan’s love for the popular computer game Fortnite for their lack of Instagram stories, she admitted the game is not the only culprit.

“What am I supposed to do?” she asked. “Instagram him crying at his grandmother’s funeral? Either take me to a fucking sunset picnic, or I will find someone who will.”