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Coolest Cousin From Childhood Finally Paroled

BRIDGEWATER, Mass. — Your coolest cousin and basically “big brother” from ages 4-13, Donnie McGee, was finally released from prison earlier today, not-so-excited sources confirmed.

“Man, Donnie is the fucking best. He’s basically the reason I got into punk and hardcore. Without him, I’d probably have been some nü-metal wonk wishing Ozzfest would come back,” you reported from your car outside of Old Colony Correctional Center in Bridgewater. “We haven’t really talked much in the past 20 years because he got involved with some heavy shit, but I was the first person he called when he found out he got paroled.”

Your longtime girlfriend Jolene Campos admitted she’s a little uneasy about your admiration for your cousin, convicted of multiple, sometimes violent, felonies.

“From everything I’ve heard, it seems like Donnie was a ton of fun to start fires with as a kid… but then got mixed up with a bad crowd as a teenager,” said Campos while hiding her grandmother’s heirloom jewelry. “Which is fine — I believe in second chances — but this seems like his eighth or ninth chance… and that’s with legal intervention from the State of Massachusetts.”

“I do wish I was consulted about Donnie staying with us until he ‘gets on his feet,’ though,” she added. “But, hey — relationships are about compromise, and feeling kind of unsafe in your own home because of a criminal on your futon is just part of that, right?”

Reportedly, while you waited for McGee to exit the medium security facility, you pondered which topics to discuss on the 15-minute drive to your apartment.

“The last photo of him I saw, he had some extensive tattoo work done… and I’ve been getting tattooed for a while, so I figure we can discuss that,” you said excitedly, pointing to the tattoo of your last name on your forearm. “He was always the funniest dude: he’d crack me up with his Ren and Stimpy impressions.”

“I’m sure he has a ton of really funny prison stories,” you added. “I could tell him about the time I got pulled over and the cop let me go with a warning, because we had the same last name. People like that story, and he can probably relate.”

At press time, you and your girlfriend were quietly watching Netflix on your phone in your bedroom, while McGee and a crew of large men got drunk in your living room.