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Punk Scene’s DIY Blood Drive Claims Four Lives

TEMPE, Ariz. — Members of the Tempe punk music scene attempted an ill-advised DIY blood drive last night, accidentally killing four beloved scene veterans, shocked and dismayed sources confirmed.

“We had good intentions. I swear, we had good intentions,” said blood drive organizer Cara “Corpse” Reider between sobs. “My mom is a nurse, so I stole some of her medical supplies… we thought we had it all worked out. But we couldn’t figure out how the needles work, so people just started cutting themselves with broken bottles and dripping the blood into buckets. I’m not sure how, but it got out of control pretty fast.”

Surviving donors and scene members believe a mixture of alcohol and ignorance were to blame for the deaths.

“We were all having a great time trying to figure out the quickest way to lose a lot of blood… but we never expected it to go this far,” said longtime punk Amy Suarez. “Tim Clark, the singer of Spunk Honey, basically filled an entire cooler with his own blood. But then, he turned really pale and cold, and stopped responding to everyone. His band was just about to go on tour next week, so this is really tragic.”

Unfortunately, potential donors outside of the punk scene were reportedly turned off by the blood drive’s amateur set-up.

“I give blood four times a year, so when I saw there was a blood drive just a few blocks from me, I thought it’d be a good time to donate again,” said Tempe resident Maria Block. “When I showed up there, though, there were no medical professionals — just a lot of ratty looking teenagers with dogs. When I saw this one guy flossing his teeth and spitting all the blood into an empty Coke can, I left.”

First responders, called by an anonymous tipster, were equally horrified as they arrived on scene.

“I’ve seen people thrown through plate glass windows, and I’ve seen more car crashes and motorcycle accidents than I can count… but nothing prepared me for this carnage,” said local EMT Raquel Norris. “The closest thing I could compare it to are those photos you see of Civil War battlefields, but with a lot more leather and ripped denim. We needed to call a hazmat team to quarantine the area before the blood leached into the groundwater.”

The Tempe punks’ next planned charity event, reportedly taking place at the basement venue known as The Killing Floor, will provide DIY spaying and neutering for any and all animals.

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