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Alcoholic Uncle Still Planning to Somehow Ruin Booze-Free Wedding

SAN DIEGO — Local alcoholic Jerry Tatum announced plans to somehow ruin his niece’s wedding later tonight with his drunk and disorderly antics, despite the event being completely devoid of alcohol, edgy sources confirm.

“What kind of wedding doesn’t have some fucking beer anyway?” said the 47-year-old, who “can quit whenever I want, I just don’t want to” while filling a Ziploc bag with brandy and taping it to his stomach. “My niece Laura [Fischer] thinks she’s so much better than everyone, ever since she met her fiance Gary [Hooper] at their precious little rehab center. Well, fuck that — just because they can’t have fun anymore, doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t. Or won’t.”

The meticulously planned, completely dry wedding will feature an open bar stocked with virgin cocktails and margaritas for guests to enjoy.

“Gary and I both have had our issues — personally, my family has a history of alcoholism, and I was going down a dark path. Thankfully, Gary was my light, and he and I can finally share this perfect day together,” said Fischer, applying the finishing touches to her makeup. “Our families have been so supportive — I just know this was meant to be.”

After catching wind that spirits would not be available at the wedding, however, Tatum began plotting ways to get fully smashed.

“I’m gonna show up early, so I can stash some mini bottles in those orchids they’re gonna set up on the tables. And last week, I buried a cooler full of beer out in the field where the ceremony is happening. I just have to remember the exact coordinates,” said Tatum. “If all else fails, I have some cocaine hidden in the lining of my jacket. It’s a really special day, and I don’t wanna not be nice and tanked for it.”

Meanwhile, family members are reportedly already planning to thwart Tatum’s plans.

“Last year, my son Jacob had a baptism, and Jerry broke into the church the night before and replaced the holy water with vodka so he could ‘take the edge off,’” said Tatum’s brother-in-law Thomas Green. “I think today, I’m gonna spare us all some drama, and just hit him with my car in the parking lot. Everyone deserves a perfect wedding day, and this is the best present they could get.”