Oh No! This Company Has a Zero Tolerance Policy Against Workplace Bullying But They Just Hired a Guy Who’s Into Ska

Posted on by Doug Kolic

ATLANTA — Local man Joshua Kennedy recently expressed frustration that his employer instituted a new zero-tolerance policy against workplace harassment just days before hiring somebody deep into ska, according to nearby sources who shared his resentment.

“Just my luck! This place finally got with the times and created a new company-wide no-bullying policy but then they went out and hired a fucking rude boy who I’ve confirmed has more than one fedora,” stated Kennedy. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s not cool to harass anyone for things like race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, any of that stuff. But ska? I mean, come on. This Bret guy showed up to his first day on rollerblades wearing an Aquabats T-shirt, and we’re not supposed to say anything? That’s just cruel.”

Hiring Manager Stella Von Engeman explained that she wasn’t aware of the new hire’s musical preferences.

“I honestly had no clue Bret was into such lame shit,” said Von Engeman. “Other than him wearing checkered suspenders to the interview and that his backpack was full of cheese sticks, there were no other warning signs. He probably hid that part of himself because he was worried we might blackball him if we knew the truth, and he’s damn right we would have. Still, the new policy is what it is, so we need to accept the fact that we now have a colleague who wears hideous clothing and who practices his trombone in the employee lounge, and there’s nothing any of us can do except quit.”

HR Expert Gareth DePaul explained how those who like to “pick it up” are forcing businesses to rethink their guidelines.

“While most employees appreciate working in a safe environment, that appreciation does not extend to goofy-ass people killing the office vibe with their tiresome puns and relentlessly positive demeanor,” stated DePaul. “The fact that these people are infiltrating organizations is causing such low morale that many companies are instituting special clauses allowing their staff to unload on these fools. It’s like having a rage room but directed at skankers. Take my word for it, it’s very therapeutic.”

At press time, coworkers were heard groaning as Bret was seen at the vending machine asking anyone if they wanted any “Skattles.”

Bob Dylan Wondering if It’s Too Late to Do a Genre-Defining Ska Album

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

MALIBU, Calif. — Legendary singer-songwriter Bob Dylan, the genius behind albums like “Highway 61 Revisited,” “Time Out of Mind” and “Blood on the Tracks” is considering trying to fulfill a career-long aspiration of recording a genre-defining ska album, sources close to the aging musician confirmed.

“A lotta people asked me why I refused my Nobel prize a few years back,” said a somehow still-alive Dylan. “It’s because my work is not complete. I always thought I could bring peace to the generations through moshing and skanking. Nobody knows this, but ‘Blowin’ in the Wind’ originally had a rocksteady beat and ‘The Ballad of Hollis Brown’ was essentially reggae. He was supposed to be living on a failing Mary Jane farm.”

One of Dylan’s close friends, the legendary Joan Baez, was surprisingly calm about his announcement.

“This isn’t news to me. He used to have me listen to his strange unreleased songs,” said Baez. “He had tracks called ‘Like a Rolling Skank’ and ‘Hey Mr. Rude Boy Man’ and ‘From a Scooter 6.’ Really odd stuff,” said Baez. “I used to say to him, ‘Bobby, I don’t know if you can get away with this. I don’t know what any of this means.’ He’d just turn to me and say: ‘To Ramona’ needs a real walking bass-line.’ I didn’t think he was well.”

Dylan scholars such as Charlie Ducktrow have been surprisingly receptive to the proposed change of sound.

“I know it seems baffling to have a bunch of skin-head rude-boys playing along with ‘Visions of Johanna.’ I certainly find it a little off-putting,” said Ducktrow. “But think about it this way: the Gaslight Anthem’s already covered some of his songs. And even if it’s terrible, it can’t be any worse than some of his 80s output. As long as there’s no bone-heads in the mix, I think it’ll all be fine.”

At press time, Dylan was meeting with record producers to see about “finding some bootboys with trumpets to really fuck up ‘Peggy Day.’”

Top 15 Ska Songs That Would Make David Fincher’s “The Killer” Way More Entertaining

Posted on by Victor Gonzalez

“Fight Club.” “The Social Network.” “Gone Girl.” “Se7en.” Classic after classic, David Fincher never missed. That is until he came out with this snoozefest of a film, “The Killer” starring Michael Fassbender as a yoga enthusiast serial killing hitman. That’s already too much. “I was really considering switching the soundtrack to include ska instead of The Smiths, but the studio shut down the idea,” said David Fincher when discussing the music choices for the film. So we did the work for him. Here are the top 15 Ska songs David Fincher should have chosen.

PS: We would warn you about spoilers but let’s be honest, if you haven’t watched the movie by now you were never really going to.

15. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones “The Impression That I Get”

The ‘90s are hot right now. From fashion to film cameras to the anticipation of total societal collapse. So why not open up this movie with a good throwback to the ‘90s with this classic? This would be a great way to set the tone of the film to be more viewer friendly. It’d be impossible to turn the movie off with this playing in the back.

14. Jeff Rosenstock “NO TIME TO SKANK”

Nothing better encapsulates existentialism, career, and the spirit of ska in one song as this one. With Fassbender’s character being dreaded with his life choices and making mistake after mistake, Jeff and this character would have quite a lot to talk about. The lyrics, “exploiting all my deep narcissistic tendencies,” would resonate hard with the titular killer.

13. Bruce Lee Band “If I Could Only Listen to My Heart”

The Killer was constantly listening to his heart in the film. Reading his heart rate, following his heart throughout the movie. So why not add this song to the mix? The reason his heart rate was so high was because he was listening to the wrong music, duh! Nothing calms me down more than putting on some good old classic Mike Park. Clearly David Fincher fumbled this one.

12. Sublime “Wrong Way”

Guaranteed that if The Killer was listening to this song for the first kill, he wouldn’t have missed. The timing on this song is impeccable and would have let the character focus so much more. If he was listening to this and never missed his shot, the movie would have been over in ten minutes. And to be honest, that would have been a hell of a lot better than the two extra hours we got after that scene.

11. Dance Hall Crashers “Lost Again”

This sound would have fit perfectly in the scene where Tilda Swinton retold that God-awful bear/hunter joke. What the hell was that joke even about? Who jokes around when they’re face-to-face with a murderer? Tilda clearly misread the room. However, with this song, it would tie everything together by uplifting the mood and maybe helping that joke land a bit better. Notice how Fassbender didn’t laugh? Needed some higher tempo.

10. Mustard Plug “You”

Any movie that features this banger of a song would automatically earn a 10/10 by the Academy. This should have been one of the main featured songs instead of turning the mood down with the Smiths. Notice how “The Killer” did not receive any Oscar nominations? It would be a different story if they added this song instead. Take note filmmakers.

9. Skankin’ Pickle “Special Brew”

Anyone in their right mind would choose this song over any song from The Smiths. I bet half the money on the budget was spent on the licensing of the music. They could have saved a lot if they opted for aka instead, they practically give this stuff away. Then they could have used that extra money to hire a better writer for this. There I said it. Hollywood I’ll be waiting for your call. I’m obviously unemployed so I’m available whenever.

8. The Aquabats “Super Rad!”

This song has helped me through the toughest times in my life. My first heartbreak, my grandfather’s passing, losing my custody battle. So there’s no reason why this song couldn’t save this movie from being such a snoozefest. Even if they randomly added this to the final scene, it would win anyone over.

7. Operation Ivy “Sound System”

We can’t make a ska list without including Operation Ivy. This really is just an entry to once again plead for the band to get back together and give the people what they want. What David Fincher should have done was to add this song during the nail gun scene. That scene was far too gruesome for some. This song would have lightened up the mood and made the murder more tolerable.

6. The Specials “A Message to You Rudy”

This song would have been perfect during the final boss confrontation scene. Just by the pure fact that The Killer didn’t even kill the final guy in charge of calling the hits. Who does that? He killed everyone else with no regard. But for this guy he spares his life? Left everyone watching being like “What the fuck?” So to make this better, this song should have been playing. Along with making Michael Fassbender say “Stop your messing around.”

5. No Doubt “Sunday Morning”

Honestly we just want to add this here to remind you that Gwen Stefani used to be in a ska band.

4. Rancid “Time Bomb”

This song’s meaning perfectly encapsulates the film’s plot. It’s almost as if this song was made for a plot like this. David Fincher, what were you thinking leaving this one out? Omission of this song is clearly one of the biggest mistakes in history, it’s on par with the burning of the Library of Alexandria. Leaving us with the biggest “What if?” Of all time.

3. Reel Big Fish “Take On Me”

This song proves, without an ounce of doubt, that making anything into ska makes it a million times better. This song has the power to change anything using the spirit of ska. To be quite honest, someone could make the argument that this should be the National Anthem. This captures the spirit of America better than any other modern song. How I envy anyone listening to this for the first time.

2. Goldfinger “Here In Your bedroom”

Hollywood has always had a severe lack of ska. And what better way to introduce the power of Ska in a film than with this classic third wave Ska song. It would transform Michael Fassbender from a existential mass murdering heartless maniac into an angsty teenager upset that his parents wouldn’t let him borrow the car. Which character sounds more interesting to you? Exactly.

1. Catch 22 “Dear Sergio”

Specifically if they added this fast-paced song on top of that intense Brute fight scene, but also change it up to make Michael Fassbender and Brute skanking instead of fighting. As exciting as fight scenes are, there are way too many in Hollywood. Bring on some skanking. And with modern day CGI, make the dog skank too.

Man Coming Out of 20-Year Coma Horrified World Still Hasn’t Eradicated Tuberculosis or Ska

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SUNNYVALE, Calif. — A local man who miraculously woke up from a two-decade-long coma was horrified to learn that the world was still burdened by plagues like tuberculosis and ska, according to nearby sources who couldn’t really disagree.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to be alive, but I can’t believe there are still so many horrible afflictions in this world,” stated 47-year-old Danny Walker. “The last thing I remember before crashing into that tree was listening to a radio news report about a deadly TB outbreak in South America. I mistakenly figured that this disease would have surely been eradicated by now. Even more concerning, though, is that I found out a bigger evil, Reel Big Fish, was also still amongst us. How the hell is this possible? It kind of makes me wish I was still in that coma. Thankfully, ska doesn’t exist when you’re in a deep state of continuous unconsciousness.”

The man’s older brother, Bobby Walker, was present when he awoke.

“When they told me he was finally awake, I couldn’t believe it!” said the 52-year-old sibling. “He seemed really surprised that humans weren’t able to cure every single disease yet, but when we told him that Less Than Jake was unfortunately still very much alive, he got really aggressive and had to be sedated. I know he should just be grateful that he’s still among the living and not worry about goofy-ass music, but I see his point. I told him to look on the bright side, hopefully the upcoming apocalypse will finally take it out.”

Infectious disease expert Kate Tidesdale explained that she was worried about dangerous strains of music.

“We need to do a better job trying to contain genres of music like ska or we’ll eventually reach the point of no return,” said Tidedale. “A lot of things keep us disease experts up at night, but nothing is as frightening as seeing new clusters of checker-wearing bands pop up all over the place. Considering the globe was just shut down for years because of Covid, you’d think we’d be more proactive about eliminating any other threats, but the fact you can log onto Spotify and listen to The Mighty Mighty Bosstones any time you want, makes me think we’re all doomed.”

At press time, Walker tried to jump out of the window when he heard country rap was still a thing.

“Sing Like No One is Listening, Dance Like No One is Watching” Sums Up Ska Band’s Last Five Shows

Posted on by Matt Husser

HARTFORD, Conn. — Struggling ska band ‘The Skadventures of Tromb Sawyer’ is reportedly taking the saying ‘sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching’ as their new mantra after failing to draw a crowd for their last five shows, sources confirmed.

“It’s hard to stay upbeat when not a single person has shown up to our gigs for three weeks, but this quote always helps me get back out there and skank my heart out anyways,” said frontman Barry Bloom, looking at the tattoo of the quote on his forearm. “If ska has taught me anything, it’s that life has its ups and downs, but if we choose to focus on the upstrokes we can always overcome the downbeats. Man, that was actually a pretty good saying, I hope someone shows up to our next show so I can use that as banter between songs.”

Brent Clausen, the bartender working at the venue during their latest empty gig, was the sole witness to the band’s depressing show of perseverance.

“The courage they displayed getting up there and skanking in front of an empty venue and singing to no one but each other was simultaneously the most heroic and saddest display I’ve ever seen,” said Clausen, using a bar rag to wipe a tear of sadness from one eye and a tear of laughter from another. “I was honestly so inspired that I contemplated quitting to follow my passion as an artist. But then I remembered no one showed up to my last five gallery showings, so I just poured myself a shot of Jack Daniels and finished my shift.”

According to local historian Beth Stevens, the saying that had been uplifting people for centuries was actually credited to the author Mark Twain, and was inspired by his love of ska.

“According to his private journals Mark Twain was a massive ska fan, and he originally coined this iconic saying while skanking alone in his residence while listening to early proto-ska records on his phonograph,” said Stevens, displaying one of the author’s checkered bow ties from the Mark Twain Center’s collection. “He mostly kept this part of his life private, but the signs were always there — I mean tell me the name ‘Huckleberry Finn’ doesn’t sound like something a ska fan came up with.”

At press time, historians also confirmed that the quote “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” by the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu was about learning to skank at an ancient ska show.

Man Forces Romantic Partners to Sign NDA About His Love of Ska

Posted on by Doug Kolic

BALTIMORE — Local resident Gavin Moldenhauer is reportedly demanding all romantic partners sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement to keep his obsession with ska music secret, according to sources seeking legal advice.

“Coming from a very prominent family, it’s important that I don’t do anything to embarrass them,” Moldenhauer stated as he watched the “Shark Fighter!” music video on loop. “My dad said if I ever wanted to take over the business I needed to keep a clean public image, so I have no choice but to get women to legally promise not to mention that I love to skank it up. I was born a rude boy and I’ll die a rude boy, but in the meantime, I need to suppress it otherwise pops will cut me out. Plus, it’s not like I’m a murderer or anything, though my family might actually prefer that to my love of Mustard Plug.”

Former fiancée Billie Parker described how she felt when he presented her with one such contract.

“At first I thought he just wanted me to sign a prenup, but then he broke down like a little bitch and revealed that he was much deeper into ska than the few Fishbone CDs he owned, and that if I wanted to get married I’d have to take this info to my grave,” said Parker. “I lost a lot of respect for him that day, not because he tried to force me into any legal arrangements, but because he showed me a Reel Big Fish song while physically dancing to it. I could have handled it if his secret was something cooler like he committed identity theft once, but certainly not that dork shit.”

Legal expert Paul Buchanan explained that NDAs involving embarrassing music are very common.

“Though most of the NDAs we normally do involve privileged information between employers and employees, we also see a lot of them dealing with private citizens trying to keep their sad musical taste under wraps,” stated Buchanan. “In the early 2000s we had a lot of clients wanting them drafted to hide their love of Creed, and most recently we had a distinguished physician who forced his staff to sign one so the public wouldn’t find out that he was Juggalo for life. A patient did eventually figure that one out after he woke up from surgery with a crushed can of Diet Moon Mist in his abdominal cavity.”

At press time, Moldenhauer updated his NDAs to include Kid Rock, which he totally forgot he was into for a brief time in middle school.

Top 30 Ska Punk Songs That Are Going to Get Us Killed For Putting Them on the Jukebox at This Biker Bar

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Are you someone who enjoys listening to both ska and punk genres simultaneously? Then you’re probably not one of the dozens of angry bikers at this bar right now. They are absolutely furious and won’t stop staring with a deranged homicidal look in their eyes. Maybe putting an hour and a half’s worth of ska punk songs on the jukebox was ill-advised. That being said, here are the top 30 ska punks that are going to get us murdered here any minute now. (Listen to the playlist while you read, click here.)

30. Mad Caddies “Road Rash” (1998)

If you’re going to play 80 bucks worth of ska punk on a jukebox surrounded by motorcycle enthusiasts, you should really throw on “Bad to the Bone” here and there to offset the relentless horn sections that are paired with guitar distortion and upbeat rhythm. Just some advice for the next time you’re in a biker bar and have a deep hankering for Mad Caddies, but want to make it out relatively unscathed.

29. Slapstick “There’s a Metal Head in the Parking Lot” (1997)

The alarming amount of Harley Davidsons outside the establishment and lack of checkerboard patterns inside should’ve been a dead giveaway that this bar is not going to appreciate the lesser known bands from the ska punk genre like Slapstick. Lesson learned.

28. Catbite “Not Ur Baby” (2021)

Anyone can look beyond one ska punk song on the jukebox. Two is pushing it. But this third Catbite one is enough to send this entire biker bar into a “fight or flight” response. Unfortunately, they are clearly leaning toward the “fight” part of that, so I have already ocularly marked every exit in this bar for when my “flight” response inevitably takes over.

27. Big D and the Kids Table “L.a.X.” (2004)

I’d really hate to see the look on everyone’s faces if I played regular ska this whole time. If you think about it, I really did them a favor by playing Big D and the Kids Table instead of SKA ska. No one seems to appreciate this though.

26. The Hippos “Lost It” (1999)

Listening to The Hippos always makes it feel like you are about to get knocked unconscious and left in a ditch somewhere on the side of the road only to be found hours later without shoes. Wait, maybe that’s only in biker bars. Hard to tell for sure.

25. Kill Lincoln “Good Riddance to Good Advice” (2018)

In theory, nearly three dozen ska punk songs, including Kill Lincoln, should’ve been a nice change of pace from the normal ‘70s classic rock thing they were playing. I guess people who ride motorcycles do not operate “in theory.”

24. JER “BOTHERED” (2022) 

Ska punk feels like a genre that genuinely wants you to be happy as a human being in a world that is otherwise full of suffering. This is what I try to tell myself while I am currently in a headlock from a guy who simply goes by “Dirt.”

23. The Best of the Worst “Illusion of Choice” (2020)

The bar appears to be confused at this one. The hardcore elements seem to make the bikers feel almost indifferent at best to the music, but the trumpets appear to undo any progress we had at avoiding a thorough beating in the back alley. We were close though.

22. Bomb the Music Industry! “Syke! Life is Awesome!” (2005)

This one starts off relatively low-key for a ska punk song, but gradually gets more unhinged and trumpet-intensive as it goes, which only seems to anger the bikers. Luckily there are only about 20ish more tracks to go.

21. Save Ferris “Come on Eileen” (1997)

Covers of famous songs can really be hit or miss. This one is a hit. At least with ska fans. Not so much with the demographic whose favorite movie is presumably “Easy Rider.”

20. Against All Authority “All Fall Down” (1998)

Starting to think this bar doesn’t even like the punk part of ska punk either. Typically, ska punk fans are just ska fans who are embarrassed to be associated with ska. Against All Authority is perfect for these undercover ska fans.

19. Mustard Plug “Go” (1997)

Looks like a few of the bikers at this bar surprisingly seem to enjoy this one. After all, this genre can be fun if you allow yourself to experience lighthearted pleasure. But on closer inspection, they were just maniacally laughing while discussing the best way to murder someone without receiving jail time. The feeling of your music taste validated was nice while it lasted.

18. Voodoo Glow Skulls “El Coo Coi” (1995)

Voodoo Glow Skulls surprisingly sounds like a band name this bar can get behind, and the art on this album cover is literally a bug-eyed freak riding a motorcycle. But not even these two elements are enough to appease bikers. This bunch is hard to please.

17. Skankin’ Pickle “Rest of the World” (1996)

When listening to ska, you are instinctively tempted to use the word “skank” in conversation. Whatever you do, do not do that at a bar that is cash only. Save that for more credit and debit card-friendly establishments.

16. We Are The Union “I Am Like John Cusack…” (2009)

Correct me if I’m wrong, but there are exactly zero ska punk songs in “Sons of Anarchy.” Not even any regular ska tracks for that matter. It’s the one thing missing from fictional outlaw motorcycle clubs. Real ones too.

15. The Specials “Little Bitch” (1979)

Sure, The Specials are a bit of a stretch to be placed under the ska punk umbrella even though this song rules. But you try explaining that to an angry biker who just did that thing where he broke a beer bottle on a table and held it three inches from my jugular. Thought they only did that in movies.

 

14. Sublime “Same In The End” (1996)

The lyric “I’m a triple rectified-ass son of a bitch” seems like a sentiment this crowd could really get behind. After all, it feels like it could be a lyric in the song “Born to Be Wild,” which as we all know is one of five songs bikers listen to.

13. Catch 22 “1234 1234” (1998)

Don’t you just hate it when a song starts out completely different than it ends up being and then out of nowhere there are three minutes at the end of the track where the band talks nonsense in the background? Yeah, bikers do too. A lot.

12. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones “The Impression That I Get” (1997)

This one leans more on the ska side, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Unless of course you are already 20 songs deep on your ska punk-fueled jukebox picks, and the entire bar wants to see you dead or at least quietly leave without making a scene. And then die outside.

11. NOFX “All Outta Angst” (1997)

I’m not sure exactly what the Hells Angels listen to, but I imagine it’s just “The Boys Are Back in Town” on repeat for several hours. No room for this trumpet-laden, ska-concentrated NOFX one. What a shame.

10. The Interrupters “She’s Kerosene” (2018)

This is the part of the block of our songs where one of the bikers unplugged the jukebox. Luckily, we know how outlets work and plugged it right back in. We need to get our money’s worth and Interrupters shall not be denied by people who look like they fist fight to pass the time.

9. Streetlight Manifesto “9mm and a Three Piece Suit” (2006)

It’s not uncommon for someone to tell you that that certain music once “saved their life.” However, ska punk seems to have the opposite effect at biker bars and will probably be the exact reason for my premature demise.

8. The Arrogant Sons of Bitches “So Let’s Go Nowhere” (2006)

The sign outside this bar had the word “freedom” written on it with aggressively giant letters. But the looks on everyone’s faces in this bar are making me realize that their version of freedom does not extend to Jeff Rosenstock music in public spaces.

7. Less Than Jake “Johnny Quest Thinks We’re Sellouts” (1996)

Good luck trying to explain to a crowd of bikers that they are currently listening to a band called Less Than Jake. They will have several follow-up questions about this band name that not even the realest ska punk fans will know the answer to. Once again, we disappoint.

6. Goldfinger “Superman” (1998)

This song is best played on a nice sunny day in July on your way to the mall Applebee’s to split a round of mozzarella sticks with your best friends. It just doesn’t have the same effect in this dimly lit bar that somehow still allows smoking indoors and only offers bowls of peanuts for snacks. Don’t they know all ska fans have various nut allergies?

5. The Suicide Machines “New Girl” (1996)

“New Girl” starts off strong and potentially could win over this bar thanks to its traditionally more heavier opening sound. But about 11 seconds in starts the violently ska upstroke guitar-playing, which has only seemed to ruin any chance to befriend anyone here. Ska punk is notoriously deceptive like that.

4. Rancid “Time Bomb” (1995)

Rancid once wrote a song called “Motorcycle Ride” and Tim Armstrong’s tattoo on the top of his head and chaotic beard make him look like a biker, so I’m confused as to why this crowd would much prefer to listen to an Allman Brothers song while fracturing my ribs with a poolstick. I just don’t get it.

3. Reel Big Fish “Sell Out” (1996)

Reel Big Fish wrote this satirical take about selling out for corporate profits. If anyone would understand this sentiment it’s people who drive vehicles that produce unnecessarily loud motor sounds when you’re trying to sleep in on a Saturday morning.

2. Fishbone “The Warmth of Your Breath” (1993)

Fishbone are whole bunch of genres in one. Two of those genres are ska and punk. You would think a group of people who ride their motorcycles with their hands two feet above their head on the handlebar would be able to endure all 90 minutes of ska punk on the jukebox, including legends like Fishbone. Boy, was that a hard no.

1. Operation Ivy “Sound System” (1989)

Operation Ivy really took the ska punk genre to another level. They went on to influence tons of groups too, which means, if it weren’t for Op Ivy, we’d potentially be able to leave this bar without any black eyes or broken bones. Please never reunite. For my health’s sake.

Listen to the playlist: 

Kidz Bop Ska Album Sounds Identical to Regular Ska Album

Posted on by Matt Husser

SANTA BARBARA, Calif. — Local dad Martin Daniels was left confused today after realizing a Kidz Bop ska album he purchased for his kids sounded identical to a regular ska album he listened to in his youth, sources confirmed.

“I loved this ska band ‘When Harry Met Skally’ when I was in middle school so I bought the Kidz Bop version for my sons, but now I wish I had just saved my money because it sounds like the same exact studio recording—I honestly don’t remember there being so many songs about rollerblading or how it sucks when your mom forgets to buy pizza bagels,” said Daniels, looking at the track listing on the back of the original CD. “I could have sworn there were some risque songs about day drinking and chasing girls but nope, just ‘Capri Sun Drunk’ and a love song about Ms. Pac-Man.”

Daniels’ five and seven-year-old sons were less enthusiastic about their dad’s attempts to introduce them to the ska music that defined his youth.

“Dad keeps trying to get us to listen to his cute little ‘jazz bands’, but my taste in Kidz Bop records is a little more sophisticated. I can’t be seen on the playground listening to songs about Lunchables when my peers are listening to Tonka Tool and Radiohead, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes,” said five-year-old Parker Daniels, admiring his vinyl Kidz Bop collection. “I’m sure that this passed as serviceable music back in the late 1900s, but it simply cannot compare to the sonic depth of ‘Karma Paw Patrol’ on the ‘OK Tablet’ album.”

Kidz Bop cover band artist Tommy Twister insisted that despite the identical sound, they had re-recorded the entire album.

“That ‘When Harry Met Skally’ cover was the easiest gig we ever had, we didn’t have to change a single word—we actually added a few more mature themes because we felt the original’s ironic cover of ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Ska’ was a little too tame for our target audience of elementary school-aged kids,” said Twister. “We re-recorded the music and everything, but it’s not our fault that a bunch of thirty-year-olds made an album with songs like ‘No Ska Without the ‘Za’ and ‘Don’t Tell Teacher I Ate My Dog’s Homework.”

At press time, Daniels’ was seen trying to get a refund for the Kidz Bop versions of several clean MxPx albums he had also purchased for his kids.

Ska-merica The Beautiful: This Patriot Pays His Respects by Skanking to a Ska Version of the National Anthem at the 9/11 Memorial

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

Go ahead and throw on a pair of thick, soft mittens or find a nice plush bath towel to place on your forehead because this story is going to have you saluting with such force you might otherwise knock yourself out.

Meet Jacob “Coby” Snell, a ska-loving patriot who shows his love of country by skanking to a ska version of the national anthem each morning at the 9/11 memorial in lower Manhattan. He has a Bluetooth speaker with a full battery, an American flag porkpie hat, red, white, and blue checkerboard Vans slip-ons; and enough sunscreen and water to skank for two whole hours before needing a break to reapply and rehydrate. Every day Snell is in downtown New York City is truly a “Party at Ground Zero.”

A beloved figure at the National September 11 Memorial & Museum, Snell usually isn’t told by security to “pick it up” (i.e. his belongings) until well into the afternoon. When they finally do ask that he move along, this freedom-loving model citizen respectfully follows their orders. He knows that law enforcement across this great nation are just trying to do their jobs and keep us safe. Thank you for your service gentlemen (and gentle ladies)!

Visitors are often unsure of what Snell, 47, is doing each day at the site of the deadliest terrorist attack in United States history. By skanking to a ska version of “The Star-Spangled Banner” at the original site of the World Trade Center, Snell is paying homage to the two great losses of his life: the end of the mainstream popularity of third wave ska music at the end of the 1990s, and the destruction wrought by the horrors of September 11th, 2001. This patriot was so devastated by these back-to-back tragedies, he thought he’d never recover. That is, until he combined these great cataclysms and journeyed “One Step Beyond” into skanking triumph.

Snell has dreams of one day traveling to the Pearl Harbor National Memorial to pay his respects to those who died in the second deadliest foreign attack in American history. He’s prepared a ska version of FDR’s “Day of Infamy” speech should the occasion ever arrive. Maybe his skanking can provide the people of Pearl Harbor with the same comfort and peace it’s provided the people of New York.

“The Impression That [Onlookers] Get” of Snell is of a man who loves his country and loves ska music. Through his brave, patriotic skanking, Snell is sending “A Message to You, [America],” and that is “Never Forget and God Bless the U.S.A.!”

Tsunami Caused by Ska Band Horn Section All Releasing Spit Valves at Same Time

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Meteorologists report that a 1,500-foot tidal wave created by a nearby ska band whose wind instrument section all emptied their spit valves at the same time is threatening to destroy the city, panicking sources confirmed.

“Usually when each band member goes one-by-one, it allows for just a harmless trickle of saliva that doesn’t upset the weather, just anyone whose fresh new Vans it might happen to drip on. But this? This is a natural disaster on par with some of the biggest hurricanes or tornadoes in recent memory,” pressed KTVU meteorologist Hailee Squires, as dopplers blared in the background. “We here at the newsroom advise anyone within the tri-county area to gather their loved ones, and any important belongings and pack it up. That’s right, you heard us: packituppackituppackitup!”

Band members of the group that incited the disaster, Checks Mark the Spot, are reportedly wracked with guilt over the situation.

“I’m beside myself. I got into music to make people happy, laugh, and maybe even skank a bit of their troubles away, not cause major property devastation just because I didn’t want my tuba to gurgle!” moaned Checks Mark the Spot sousaphone player Liam Breshcoat, as he packed up his various porkpie hats to flee the scene. “I’m just not used to witnessing our audience run for the hills, screaming in terror and begging for it to stop. Well, actually, now that you mention it, that’s the typical reaction to most modern ska sets, isn’t it? Well, at any rate, there’s usually a lot less drowning, I’ll tell you that much. I’m out of here.”

Longtime San Jose residents are largely set on evacuation, but there are a few rogue holdouts, such as 93-year-old Hennis McFurland.

“I’ve lived in this here shack through two dozen Warped Tours, and I ain’t about to move just because some rinky-dink ska band decided to let loose their honkers, I’ll tell you that much right now! I built this home with my bare hands and there’s no band ‘reel big’ or ‘reel tough’ enough to take it away from me,” said a gruff McFurland as he hammered boards over his windows. “I went through the same song and dance when a wave of Faygo took out my barn at the last Gathering of the Juggalos, and I lived to tell THAT tale. Bring it on.”

At press time, fleeing residents were alarmed to find out that, in true ska fashion, there are growing reports of a second wave.