COLUMBUS, Ohio — Newly engaged and unnecessarily honest groom-to-be Blake Sorrentino announced at a dinner gathering last Friday that he is set to wed his…
Oh, you’re a Wu-Tang Clan fan too? Huh. Then name all of the members. I’ll wait. Oh, ok. Nice. But I bet you can’t tell…
BOSTON — Local straight edger Alana Enders’ depression ostensibly reached a new low when she told the bartender at White Horse Tavern to “leave the…
CHICAGO — Legendary scene veteren Brent “Possum” Donello ended his punk phase with the ritual purchase of a queen-size Belgian Flax linen duvet cover from…
Yep, that one! The cylinder with the red shiny wrapping paper. That’s yours — go ahead and open it, Mom. Hope you like it. Merry…
COLUMBIA, Md. – Non-confrontational wuss Samuel Bleck took out decades of built-up frustration today by open-palm slapping drywall in his home and leaving a mild…
CINCINNATI — Friendless, pathetic loser Sonny Robertson attempted to remedy his loneliness yesterday by starting a group text with his Verizon bill reminder texts and…
SAN DIEGO — Drummer and quiet introvert Don Scarpelli acted strangely on Saturday night after entering the blacklight-filled basement of his friend’s kegger, confused partygoers…
PITTSBURGH — Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University released a disturbing report today predicting that 100% of erotic asphyxiation will be automated by the year 2028,…
SEATTLE — Competitive barista Boris Demman was rushed to the emergency room yesterday when a carafe of fresh pourover was dumped over his head in…
SEATTLE — Politically correct punk Michael Favata was delighted to learn yesterday that his band’s bassist is currently dating a girl Favata previously hooked up…
NEW YORK — Popular photoblog “Humans of New York” announced in an emotional press conference today that they have finally found a subject too depressing…
ST. LOUIS — Folk-punk musician and all-around vagabond Ross Smithton asked you yesterday to pick him up from the Alton & Southern Railway Company railyard…
Do you feel a lack of energy, motivation, and general wellness in your life? Sheeple out there will tell you this is due to tangible…
In the 1890’s, Ivan Pavlov discovered that he could cause dogs to salivate at his command by associating food with the ringing of a bell.…