GENEVA — Scientists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research discovered yesterday that Iron Maiden’s 8:46-long “Brighter Than a Thousand Suns” contains a surprisingly decent…
WASHINGTON — The United States of America utterly failed in its shame-filled attempts today to obscure its bulging, prominent Presidential election, snickering foreign officials reported.…
BAYAMÓN, Puerto Rico — At the Drive-In and The Mars Volta guitarist Omar Rodríguez-López created and released an entire 49-minute prog-punk album in mere seconds…
DES MOINES, Iowa — Local Lowe’s manager Darrell Winchester removed Slipknot percussionist Shawn “Clown” Crahan from the store again last week after he spent hours…
PEORIA, Ill. — Friends of Shaun Conner were disappointed but unsurprised as he continually raised the defense stat of his RPG character, cementing his place…
NEW YORK — Overly-confident 24-year-old Matt Baxter convinced himself today that he could hoist a new, king-sized mattress to his 4th floor walk-up apartment all…
MILWAUKEE — White Milwaukee Police Officer Anthony Salatino used the n-word without reservation last night before, during, and after a karaoke performance of a song…
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has forced R&B group Blackstreet to disclose that their 1996 hit song “No Diggity” may…
CUMBERLAND, Md. — Local man David Englund sealed his own disastrous fate earlier today by reportedly dismissing a friend’s offer of a spearmint Altoid on…
So there I was at a socially un-distanced party at a buddy’s lake house when someone asked if anyone has heard good new music. This…
You can’t make it 5 minutes online these days without seeing some smug, pale Ben Shapiro- or Charlie Kirk-type screaming in your face about how…
If Jimi Hendrix opened the door to what could be done on an electric guitar, Eddie Van Halen split-kicked that door in. This led to…
HARRISBURG, Pa. — Those invited to celebrate the marriage of punk drummer Scotty Corless and slaughterhouse foreman Anna “Slander” Dietrich are reportedly not bothering to…
BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — A new podcast by an Indiana University-Bloomington sophomore created to discuss emerging math rock bands abruptly switches between being so quiet as…
LOS ANGELES – Indie pop band Sour Bitch Kids learned this morning that the hours they spent practicing their songs with ever decreasing volume were…