“One-Hit Wonder” Artist Sorry They Only Produced One Timeless Masterpiece Everyone Loves

Posted on by Matt Husser

NEW YORK — Local one-hit wonder band Owl Tempest reportedly apologized today for failing their fans after only being able to produce one timeless masterpiece everyone adores, sources confirmed.

“When we wrote our hit song ‘Free Falling on a Broken Wing,’ we were just four kids in a garage pouring our hearts into our music, and through some miracle it resonated with complete strangers so much that it became the soundtrack to countless weddings, graduations, and first kisses. But then I’m ashamed to admit that it just never occurred to us to write a second global mega-hit that still gets airplay 30 years later, so for that I’d just like to say—our bad,” said Owl Tempest vocalist Brad Penny. “If there’s a silver lining to our monumental failure as artists it’s that our song at least inspired 30 seconds of fodder for Hal Sparks to riff on during VH1’s ‘I Love the ‘90s.’”

Owl Tempest fan Clark McEnroe long resented the band’s inability to make a second worldwide chart-topping hit appear out of thin air.

“I loved ‘Broken Wing,’ but I just never understood why making a second crossover hit that appealed to several key demographics, garnered broad critical acclaim, and presented a worthwhile investment opportunity to major labels so they’d push it on radio and MTV was so hard,” said McEnroe, looking at his old Owl Tempest CD. “Probably because they wasted so much time on the other songs instead of writing another all-time great. I mean who even listens to the ninth song on an album?”

Longtime music executive Tomasz Klein shared his frustration that so many one-hit wonders failed to produce a second crowd-puller that he could bleed money from.

“How hard can it possibly be for these ‘one and done’ artists to write a second global sensation? Biz Markie was just happy to stay in the friend zone? Never occurred to Nena to write about 100 luftballons? Doris Troy couldn’t take just one more look? Even Eiffel 65’s blue alien shit out a second single that charted,” said Klein, throwing darts at a “Bittersweet Symphony” vinyl. “They could learn a thing or two from the Red Hot Chili Peppers—give California a shoutout, scat some gibberish that sounds like a slurring Australian stroke victim and voila! Top of the charts for decades.”

Seizing on the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ formula, Chumbawamba announced plans to return to the top of the charts with their new California-inspired song “Malibubthumping.”

Pair of Skinny Brothers in Matching Off Color Business Suits Tired of Being Mistaken for Synth Pop Band

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

NEW YORK — Local fashionable and slim brothers John and Bob Bedword are sick of being mistaken for a synth pop duo at a local bar, confirmed sources who could swear they were in one.

“I’ve never listened to synthesizer pop and refuse to until I stop hearing about it,” said the older Bedword brother in his thick European accent. “We run a small time tailor shop together and prefer to look professional with our variety of custom blazers. I wear my sunglasses indoors because I have a sensitivity issue. Bob doesn’t wear eyeliner, that’s just our genetics. We don’t know about Yazoo, Yello, or any other obscure ‘80s act. We were born in the ‘90s and only listen to Gin Blossoms, for fuck’s sake.”

Several patrons were disappointed after discovering the brothers weren’t who they appeared to be.

“You know how hard it is to find a good synth pop act these days? I want some live music to dance to but also make me a little depressed and horny. You know, what good music is supposed to do,” reported Susan Michaels, a customer seen wearing an Erasure button. “When they introduced themselves to me as The Bedword Brothers I was like ‘hell yeah’ but then he handed me their business card which featured an over-saturated graphic of them leaning on each other. They then said they’ll give me a discount. Very confusing. Just play some Gary Numan-type music or get the hell out of my face.”

Manager of the bar, Bruce Hefner, couldn’t believe they weren’t able to perform that night.

“Tonight’s our open mic night and was really excited for some Sparks vibes. Looks like it’s gonna be mostly acoustic this week yet again,” Hefner stated, looking longingly at the framed Yellow Magic Orchestra album on the wall. “All I’ve ever wanted was to see a nice synthy new wave band show up to one of these but I fear it’ll never happen. I told them that they are welcome to perform a different week if they’d like as well as get free drinks but one of the brothers just sighed and walked away. They should really consider updating their wardrobes to avoid confusion.”

At press time, four guys in hazmat suits arrived to address a chemical spill, but everyone was almost positive they were a DEVO cover band.

Sad! This Painfully Shy Man Would Love to Order Fajitas but Cannot Handle the Flashy Presentation

Posted on by Kyle Donley

To some, it is a delicious dish replete with grilled meats and vegetables, best enjoyed in the company of friends and family. However, to local claims adjuster Pete Keane, the pomp and circumstance implied in a fajita order is too much to bear.

“It’s way too much pressure,” Pete explained over a plate of flautas. “Like what if I make the fajita wrong? The waiter never gives any instructions. It’s normally a team of waiters who bring it out too, so now do I have to tip them on top of my main waiter? That’s a lot of hands on deck for just little old me. And why is the meat still cooking on an incredibly hot cast-iron skillet? Do I need to continue to cook it? Will it make me sick if I don’t? How will I know when it’s done? I’m not a chef, I’m just a local claims adjuster!”

Sure, these may sound like the isolated ramblings of a neurotic freak, but sadly Pete is not alone. As our society grows more insular and stupid, “Fajita Panic” has steadily been on the rise, reportedly plaguing one out of six hundred adults according to the watchdog group Scary Food Alliance.

Still, little is known about this emerging form of mental illness. What is driving the fear? Childhood trauma? Feelings of inadequacy? Claustrophobia? Logic dictates these people are mostly eating alone, probably wearing a full puffy winter coat or something, so why would it matter if their meal takes up over half the table?

While many questions remain unanswered, it is clear that Pete’s penchant for cuckolding himself through meals is not exclusive to fajitas.

“I actually had a seizure once at a Red Robin when my ex-wife told the waitstaff it was my birthday. They ambushed me, singing a weird, updated version of Happy Birthday and served me a cheeseburger with a fried egg on top. What am I supposed to do with that?! I’ve jumped out of a moving car more than once in the Benihana parking lot. Luckily there’s a Panera Bread in the same shopping center where I could order off a tablet and silently soup myself to sleep.”

If you or someone you know struggles with fajita panic, please contact your local Panera Bread and get the help you need.

Devastating: Band Still Has a Couple More Songs for You

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

CHICAGO — Local shoegaze band The Distant Star announced that they were intending to perform a couple more songs, ruining the nights of dozens of audience members, confirmed sources who checked the time several times since.

“You’ve been such an incredible audience, thank you so much for coming,” said frontman Barry Blazer without a hint of irony. “It means the world to us you being here, to be able to look out and see so many familiar faces. Friends, family members, co-workers, people who I’d notice if they left early and would be really, really upset about it. We have a couple more songs we want to play. The first means a lot to me personally. As some of you know my cat Wiggles went to the great litter box in the sky a few months ago. For the longest time I didn’t know how to process that pain until I wrote this nine-minute magnum opus. After the song, we will also hold a live Q&A session before moving onto another track.”

Show attendee Laina Parks took the news especially hard.

“Don’t get me wrong, I mildly enjoy this band as much as the next person, but it is a weekday evening. Some of us have work in the morning,” Parks muttered while scoping out every possible exit in the venue. “I’m pretty tired after my shift at the hospital and it’s a long drive home. Hopefully it’s not those instrumental odysseys he’s been telling us about or one of those long and repetitive ones. I guess I have no choice but to stay and weather the storm. If I end up getting through this, I vow to never go to a show again.”

Music historian Cliff Baxter provided some advice for showgoers in this unfortunate position.

“There’s only so much an audience can take before their body language screams ‘that’s enough,’” Baxter said. “There’s always a hell of a rush towards the parking lot when this one’s over. However, there are a few ways one could theoretically get out of this sort of pickle. For one, someone could pull a fire alarm or, better yet, call in a bomb threat. Additionally, you could cut the power from outside the venue or even climb through the rafters ‘Die Hard’ style to unleash hazardous carbon monoxide or toxic gases to make the band end their set.”

At press time, terrifying rumors began circulating that there might be an encore as well.

Kinky Couple Makes Friends and Family Watch as They Pledge Undying Love to Each Other

Posted on by David Britton

MESA, Ariz. — Local kinky couple Charles Huffman and Mallory Moore seemingly got aroused after coercing their friends and family to watch them profess their undying love for each other, confirmed sources who brought a plus one.

“What’s the big deal?!” Moore exclaimed. “Sometimes a girl just wants to put on a ball gown and slow dance with her own father in front of a large group of people! I mean seriously, how do the rest of you get off? Sure, we did a little role-playing at the altar where we only kissed when the priest instructed us to, and it just so happens to turn me on every time someone calls me Mrs. Huffman, but that doesn’t mean I am a part of some sort of community of fetishists who forces 75% of the people she knows to travel to Hawaii for a destination wedding. To be honest, it was kind of hot though.”

Moore’s longtime friend Bailey Pope seemed more disgusted than happy for her.

“Look, I’m no prude. I’ve done a little ass-to-mouth, sure, but at least everyone wanted to be there! And I certainly never asked my parents to watch!” said Pope. “I mean, first Mallory and whats-his-face got up there, going on and on about their relationship, like any of us care, and then we had to watch them kiss without our consent. And I’m not talking about some little peck on the cheek. It was tongues and everything! I felt like some sort of cuck being forced to watch. No wonder her grandmother was crying! Perverted freaks.”

Experts noted that the kinkiest of couples prefer a big wedding.

“This kind of behavior is surprisingly common in monogamous couples,” explained social anthropologist Dr. J Patrick Connolly of Indiana University. “They become so obsessed with their own relationship that they feel everyone else needs to sacrifice an entire Saturday to watch them prance about and talk about how special they are. In many instances, they will even send out a card to let people know they will be sending out a second card later to invite them. It would be sad if it weren’t so creepy. Weddings are basically equivalent to a sketch you’d see in a porno. In fact, ‘wedding’ is the most frequently searched keyword on PornHub.”

At press time, friends and family were even more horrified after watching Huffman feed Moore cake with his hands and removing her garter belt from her thigh before flinging it toward the crowd.

Wokeness Gone Mad? I Had To Specify My Preferred Pronouns on This Sex Offender Registration Form

Posted on by Tim Sheard

I’m old enough to remember a time when freedom of speech meant something in this country. Nowadays, our culture has been completely usurped by leftist lunatics who want to cancel us for even the slightest transgression, and we have to constantly walk on eggshells for fear of jeopardizing our livelihood because we offended some fragile little petunia with blue hair and a septum ring. It seems like every aspect of our daily lives has been infected by the woke mind virus. Case in point: today I went to register as a sex offender, and the form had a space for “Preferred Pronouns.”
Unbelievable.

Woke culture has officially pervaded every walk of life, which apparently now includes the Tallahassee Police Department’s sex offender registration form. Just the thought of it makes me sick. America used to have strong, Christian values, and now you can’t even fulfill the obligations bestowed upon you by the State for having accidentally exposed yourself in the Winn-Dixie produce department without having to put up with this liberal bullshit. If the AOC-loving commies want to subject themselves to such garbage, they’re more than welcome to keep it on CNN or MSNBC where it belongs. There’s absolutely no need to force it on those of us who still have some common sense along with our extensive lists of sex-related criminal offenses.

How many genders do liberals even think there are, anyway? Last I checked, there were two; God decides it at the moment of conception, and we continue that way our whole lives (that is, if our mothers are able to evade the godless Planned Parenthood butchers long enough for us to be born.) I should write “FUCK BIDEN” in this space just to irritate these nutjobs. I bet nobody’s ever thought to do something like that. I totally would if word of my doing so wouldn’t ultimately get back to my parole officer, which definitely wouldn’t end well for me. Also, Biden isn’t in office anymore, so a move like that wouldn’t necessarily have the same clout it would’ve had a year ago.

Speaking of which, THANK GOD Trump is President again. It’s good to know us sex offenders finally have some representation up in Washington. He’s vowed to bring common sense back to the United States, which we all can agree is something that’s been sorely lacking these past four years. I wanted to drive to his rally up in Macon this past November, but my ankle bracelet would’ve alerted the authorities that I was leaving the house.

Eh, I guess I’ll just play by their ridiculous rules for now and write “he/him” in this space. No sense in causing trouble when I’ve already done enough, you get me? And anyway, I fully plan on wearing my “Unvaxxed Lives Matter” shirt while I go door-to-door notifying my neighbors of my new status tomorrow. That’ll be sure to trigger some snowflakes.

Lisa Loeb Wins Local Record Store’s “Sexiest Woman Alive” Award For 29th Year in a Row

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LAWRENCE, Kan. — Employees of independent record store Tables Turned announced their coveted “Sexiest Woman Alive” award went to Lisa Loeb for the 29th consecutive year, excited sources confirmed.

“We asked all our employees and regular customers to give us a list of all the women that they think should be considered and when we tallied everything up it was 17 votes for Lisa, and two votes for Fiona Apple,” said Tables Turned owner Walter Pinsky. “We hope that Lisa will someday visit the store and pick up her award in person. But that’s a long shot because a few years back her lawyer sent us a letter stating we needed to stop trying to contact Lisa or they would press harassment charges. Kim Gordon won the award in 1992, she stopped by the store while on tour with Sonic Youth to pick up her trophy. She didn’t actually leave with it, she pulled a knife on me and said she will ‘Burn this hellhole to the ground’ if we ever say her name out loud again, it was amazing.”

Longtime customer Alan Lemond believes the system is rigged in favor of Loeb.

“Each year they watch the music video for ‘Stay (I Missed You)’ right before voting begins. Of course everyone is going to vote for Lisa once they see that. She’s got the voice of an angel, and glasses straight out of a ‘Farside’ comic strip that drive men wild,” said Lemond. “The fact that Kim Deal has never been in contention is criminal to me. A few years back I asked if we could listen to ‘Gigantic’ before we voted and they banned me from the store for five months. It feels like Lisa has her thumb on the scales. And don’t try to suggest going to the police, I tried that and the cops laughed me out of the precinct.”

Madison Marsh, the winner of the Miss America pageant in 2024, says she has seen multiple negative online comments from record store owners since her win.

“Winning Miss America was a dream come true, but unfortunately the internet can be an ugly place. There have been comments on Instagram and Youtube from older men in Radiohead shirts saying they wish I married Courtney Love. I’m not exactly sure who that is, or what that means, but it seems threatening,” said Marsh. “But these same guys send me DMs offering to buy my used socks for thousands of dollars. I wish there was a different internet that pretty women got to use that didn’t allow these freaks to have access to us.”

At press time, Turned Tables announced that J Mascis will receive their “Man of the Year” award for a record-setting 43rd year in a row.

Punk Finishes 5K in Circle Pit

Posted on by James Webster

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local punk Kevin Wilder admitted he was feeling slightly fatigued after he completed a 5K race during a circle pit during a performance by local punk band Joe Cameltoe, confirmed sources who thought he made good time.

“Those 3.1 miles go real quick when you’re throwing fists in a counterclockwise motion,” said an out-of-breath Wilder. “According to my Fitbit I finished in 26 and a half minutes, which is my best time yet. However, this is nothing compared to the half marathon I accidentally ran during Riot Fest last year. In fact, I mainly go to shows for the health benefits. You can get in a really good workout just by violently swinging your arms backwards during a windmill. Plus, I never skip leg day so you’ll often see me spin-kicking in a mosh. Bonus points if I can get my foot high enough to crack someone’s jaw. Those are some serious calories burned.”

Friends of Wilder thought there were better ways to do cardio during a show.

“I actually prefer to get my exercise through stage diving. They say it’s easier on the joints and works out every muscle group in your body,” said Shelley Armstrong in her swimming trunks. “Running in a circle pit is very bad for your knees, according to one study that I read in 1975. Plus, you lose muscle mass by doing that much jogging. That’s why you would need to do double the amount of ‘picking up change’ moves if you want to maintain muscular glutes. Unfortunately, you need to limit circle pit cardio if you want to be jacked.”

Personal trainers typically recommend their clients attend shows featuring heavy bands.

“The gym can be extremely limited in what it can provide for you physically,” said fitness coach Michael Bonifer. “Sure, we have treadmills and elliptical machines, but if you really want to get your blood flowing you need to be attending shows that encourage movement and punching unsuspecting strangers in the back of the head. Hardcore and metal guys are some of the most fit people on the planet. However, they don’t look like it, but that’s mainly because of all the beer and Hot Pockets they eat. That will always offset any running you do.”

At press time, Wilder pulled a muscle during a circle pit and was forced to take three to five weeks off of running.

Jesus Christ! Rosie O’Donnell Just Revealed That Every Koosh Ball She Launched Into Her Talk Show’s Audience Was Purposely Infected With Scarlet Fever

Posted on by Steve Packosky

If you’re around millennial age, chances are pretty high that you got home from school every day to find your mother watching the newest episode of “The Rosie O’Donnell Show,” which aired for six seasons between 1996 and 2002. This seemingly banal variety talk show featured celebrity interviews, extended production scenes from topical Broadway shows, and jokes mailed in from children around the country. While the show itself was fairly nondescript amongst the sea of like-minded programs pervading the airwaves at the time, The Hard Times has recently discovered a sinister bit of information regarding its presenter.

It turns out the bubbly, chatty host occupying our living rooms for the better part of a decade was actually a diabolical bioterrorist. Good God!

Throughout certain episodes, O’Donnell (and sometimes the presumably unaware and well-intentioned guest) would launch Koosh balls into the audience, which was presented as a light-hearted gag and appeared to be well-received by those in attendance for the tapings. However, in a recent interview with People, O’Donnell admitted that every Koosh ball was purposely infected with Streptococcus pyogenes, colloquially known as scarlet fever. While the details of her access to this largely controlled scourge of the pre-antibiotic era are unknown, O’Donnell appears unapologetic for these heinous crimes, stating that her exasperation with being forced to repeatedly interview Barbara Streisand and the Spice Girls to entertain bored baby-boomers across America was the impetus for her reprehensible actions, Furthermore, she states that her only regret was that the show’s cancellation in 2002 prevented her from infecting more innocent bystanders.

Holy shit! Like you, we are completely stunned at the unrepentant and unabashed lens through which O’Donnell views her past atrocities.

Following these shocking and horrific admissions, epidemiologic investigators have been able to link four outbreaks of scarlet fever in midtown Manhattan that killed seven children in 1998 to tapings of the Rosie O’Donnell show at Rockefeller Studios, which tragically is not an exhaustive list of victims. As the coming weeks unfold, we are sure to see the true scale of suffering caused by the evil, vindictive trespasses of this disgruntled entertainer. One fact is certain amidst all the unknowns at this time: such behavior should not go unpunished.

Will there be justice for this unspeakably vile assault on the health of our country’s most vulnerable citizens? We’re unsure if a precedent even exists for a decades-old case of deliberate, Koosh ball-fueled spreading of harmful pathogens, but we can only pray that the statute of limitations has not run its course. Rosie O’Donnell may have brightened our moods consistently throughout the latter years of the nineties, but every day she enjoys outside the constraints of a jail cell is an absolute affront to the moral, legal and hygienic order of our society.

Battle of the Bands Ends in Fragile Ceasefire Agreement

Posted on by Matt Oriente

BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — A ceasefire has been reached after tense backstage negotiations at this weekend’s Battle of the Bands, confirmed relieved sources.

“As fragile and temporary as it may end up being, all the bands agreed to stop with onstage verbal attacks, which is a great first step,” explained event promoter Lou Esparza. “We’ll see what else comes of it but I just know we can’t go on like this. At the last Battle of the Bands, someone pulled the fire alarm as the winners were about to be announced. It was chaos. The record executives that were there to award the winners a six-album deal had seen enough and left. But finally, both sides agreed not to retaliate.”

EJ Raser, whose band Lefternal lost the battle, views the ceasefire as a small yet meaningful victory especially for newer groups trying to gain ground on the more veteran acts that make a living in the battle scene.

“This ceasefire is more than record contracts and notoriety, it represents an opportunity for us to secure basic rights—like a place of our own to store our gear. Right now, our instruments get shoved into the venue’s janitor closet all the way on the other side of the venue—it’s inhumane,” said Raser. “We bring in crowds. These veteran bands, because they’ve been doing this longer and receive funding from their industry allies to spend on larger and more expensive gear, cozy up to the promoter for prime spots on the bill and private areas to stash their gear and hang out.”

Jess Bassi, an expert in competitive band competitions, says this type of power struggle is common during these types of events.

“It becomes a volatile ecosystem where the entrenched veteran acts—backed by venue staff and promoters—assert dominance over the newer bands,” Bassi explained. “What complicates this is really a matter of perception versus reality. Sure, the newer bands bring in an audience of family and friends—and, in theory, their support—but that support often translates to nothing more than shaky vertical videos that end up on an Instagram story and go nowhere. So, while the ceasefire is a good step, until the younger acts get real, actionable support from their audiences—not just fleeting attempts at scoring imaginary internet points—nothing much will change.”

At press time, veteran Battle of the Bands act, Tuff Enuff, has agreed to promote an upcoming competition, which is a first for the group and a hopeful sign that peace may be possible.