Opening Band Thinks It’s Really Important You Know Their Bass Player’s Name is Steve

Posted on by Ed Saincome

PORT TOWNSEND, Wash. — Local opening band Eyeball Soup thought it was crucial that the audience know their bassist’s name is Steve, confirmed sources who didn’t know what to do with that information.

“As the singer, frontman, and host of the band, I like to make it a point to provide the audience with each member’s name, instrument, and Social Security number so they can get better acquainted with us. Seems to work too because the crowd is always on their phones the entire time we play. I assume they’re just Googling Steve and simply cannot wait until after the set,” said vocalist Derek Fineberg while putting a name tag on the bassist so the crowd wouldn’t forget. “Besides, it would be extremely rude if we played our full 20-minute set without a proper introduction. Sometimes I even pause the show halfway through to ask all six members of the audience for their names. This way, it’s like we all know each other on an intimate level. It almost sometimes works.”

The crowd seemed excited to know about the existence of Steve.

“Wow, so cool that I finally know the name of a bass player,” said audience member Janet Remington. “Up until this point I had assumed they were all nameless. Primus? The Beatles? Red Hot Chili Peppers? No one ever knows the name of the bassist, yet here I am with the knowledge of Steve at my disposal. I am forever thankful that this band took time out of their set to let us know about him. I still won’t be buying their demo though.”

Experts understood the opening band’s reasoning for their bold move.

“Openers have to do everything in their power to get a crowd to care about them,” said scene veteran Lou Sastch. “It’s like the second you name an animal, the harder it is to kill it for food. Now that we all know about Steve, it would be emotionally traumatic to murder him for sustenance mid-set, he’s a fully realized human now. The same can’t be said about other more anonymous opening bands, however.”

At press time, Fineberg thought it was also important that their bass player was single and available for anyone who was interested.

J.D. Vance Wakes Up in Cold Sweat After Nightmare Where Minimum Wage Workers Had Health Insurance

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

WASHINGTON — Vice President J.D. Vance suddenly woke up from a recurring nightmare in which a minimum wage employee wasn’t in extreme medical debt due to a lack of insurance coverage, confirmed sweaty sources.

“It was awful. Cashiers, dishwashers, even Uber drivers were able to afford life-saving medicine! I think one was even a union member with incredible medical benefits. I never want to see such visions again,” said Vance while sitting down on his fainting couch. “This can’t be good for me. I need my minimum of 10 hours of sleep so I can do important work like appear on podcasts and shake hands with investors. Sometimes I even have a nightmare where children get lunch for free at schools. Won’t someone think of the taxpayers for once instead of the nutritionally deficient kids?”

His wife Usha Vance was at his bedside comforting him through this troubled time.

“The sheets are once again soaked from his terror sweats and also a little urine. Nothing out of the usual. However, he keeps muttering ‘pull your bootstraps’ and ‘get a real job like bitcoin investing’ in his sleep,” said the Vice President’s wife. “I’ve had to wake him up and assure him that as long as they live in America, the greatest country in the world, there’s little fear about his tax dollars paying for a wheelchair. He usually feels after I tell him the dollar amount of the U.S. military budget and then read a passage from his autobiography to him until he falls back into slumber.”

Vice President Vance contacted his long time mentor Peter Thiel for help.

“I told him to take a deep breath and remember that he has nothing to worry about. If it keeps happening, just hire a 19 year old to pump his blood into your veins,” Thiel said before looking off into the distance with concern. “Poor little guy. I hope he recovers. He’s still scarred from a childhood of seeing people who don’t receive scholarships to ivy leagues. He’s grown so much since then but I still worry about him. If he’s going to co-run this country, he needs to separate his reality from others’ nightmares of acquiring severe medical debt.”

At press time, Vice President Vance violently woke up from another nightmare where housing was affordable for first-time homebuyers.

I Have Reservations for 6:30, but I’m a Few Minutes Early So I Can Just Stand Outside, or Maybe I Should Just Leave, I’m So Sorry

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Hi there. I have reservations for 6:30, but I’m a few minutes early. I can just stand outside—or maybe I should leave? I’m so sorry. I always set my clocks a little fast so I’m never late, but sometimes it means I get in a little too early. Marilyn has still never forgiven me for that time I was 20 minutes early to her Christmas party. Again, truly, I apologize.

I knew we should have circled the block a few times. Our GPS said we’d arrive at 6:19, but I thought maybe we could walk slowly enough from the parking lot. I warned my husband about this a mile before we arrived, but he was so sure everything would be fine. Yet here we are, at 6:23. I’m so embarrassed.

At least you’re open! As we were walking up, I thought you might be closed. I know I looked up your hours and successfully made a reservation, but when I saw the lights on and people bustling inside, I assumed you must be cleaning. But my husband insisted it was fine and that the open sign probably wasn’t a mistake.

Perhaps we could sit at the bar while we wait. Would that be easier? I see an open seat, so maybe I can sit there, and my husband can just kind of awkwardly stand behind me as waiters try to navigate the narrow lane of traffic. Would that be alright?

Oh, you’re ready for us? But it’s only 6:26, are you sure? No, you don’t have to take my coat. I’ll just drape it over my seat. A booth? I’ll just sit on it then. I agree it is quite a large fur coat, but it’ll be comfortable. I don’t mean to be so much trouble.

Tap is fine; I wouldn’t want to bother you for sparkling. Actually, now that I’m looking at the menu, do you mind if I ask a question? I’m not seeing anything that’s calling to me, but I do notice you have a grits side and shrimp cocktail appetizer. Do you think your chef could turn that into a shrimp and grits entrée? I can explain it to the chef if that would be helpful. Thank you so much.

Widow Won’t Shut Up About Her Ex

Posted on by Max Eckert

SHIPPENSBURG, Penn. — Local widow Claire Donnelly wouldn’t shut the hell up about her former spouse who tragically passed away recently, confirmed sources who have been trying to change the subject for the last 15 minutes.

“My god, all she talked about was Peter or James or whatever his name was. I’ve got my own problems, I really don’t need to keep hearing about how he died in a horrific car accident two days before their fifth wedding anniversary. I get it, he was on life support and in and out of comas for weeks,” said coworker Bradley Jameson. “It’s like, talk about the weather, football, or anything else people are interested in. No one likes someone who trauma dumps. Honestly, I’m just trying to swoop in and get in her pants. I don’t need to keep being reminded of the love she shared with a man for 15 years during his funeral. Think about someone else for a change, like me and my needs. For instance, my cat died two years ago and she hasn’t brought that up even once. So selfish.”

Despite indifference from everyone, Donnelly just couldn’t read the room.

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” said Donnelly while friends didn’t know whether to console her or pretend like she wasn’t sobbing. “The amount of love and support I received immediately after the incident has been tremendous, but after a good few hours it seemed like people wanted me to move on. I mean, I tried to. I talked about my grief and depression, but people seemed to be more interested in the catering job. I get it. The tuna tartare was to die for.”

Experts didn’t appear to relate to the widow’s struggles.

“Thanks to the advances of modern-day therapy, no one has to hear anyone else’s troubles anymore so nobody wants to be burdened with someone else’s emotional pain,” said psychologist Rudy Maiyer. “It’s way more healthy to pay to talk to a complete stranger about things that are going on in your life. We have evolved beyond the confines of intimate friendships and relationships, so now it just looks weird to talk about your dead spouse to your best friend of 30 years. Give your loved ones the gist and move on.”

At press time, Donnelly wouldn’t shut the hell up about her child who passed away after getting hit by a bus immediately after the funeral of her former husband.

Revamped Village People Lineup Featuring All Cops to Perform At Trump Inauguration

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Popular ‘70s gay icons Village People announced they would be performing at multiple Trump inauguration events and will feature a new lineup made up entirely of cops, sources with perfectly groomed chest hair confirmed.

“This is the Village People everyone has always wanted. We’ve trimmed the fat, no more cowboys, no more bikers, no more Native Americans, just six boys in blue who love working out, hanging with the guys in the locker room, and giving thanks to the machoest macho man of them all, Donald Trump,” said Village People founding member, and convicted felon, Victor Willis. “Don’t worry, we are going to play all the hits, and if anyone so much as whispers about how we seem a little gay I will sue the crap out of you. Since when is it gay to have a handful of buff guys sing and dance to disco? Thankfully our Republican fan base understands.”

Trump supporter, and lifelong Village People fan, Trent Lepoita says he is excited for the inauguration festivities.

“This is going to be such a great day. I’ve done so much to prepare, first I’m making sure I eat light, I trimmed all my body hair because I feel like a real American patriot when I’m well-groomed, and I gave myself an enema because this is the best country in the world,” said Lepoita. “All the guys at the bathhouse I go to are just as excited. We told our wives to not expect us to come home, things might get a little wild when the boys get together to celebrate Trump and see the Village People in all their glory. I’m so excited I could squeal.”

President-elect Trump praised the news about the new Village People lineup.

“The Village People, some of the best people I ever met. Really great people, all of them. But now they are even better. All of them are cops now, can you believe that? I had a cop come up to me the other day, real big strong guy, nice mustache, really thick. I asked him how he got his mustache so thick and he said ‘That’s a great question nobody has ever asked me that before,’” said Trump. “Then he started tearing up and told me the only reason he likes being a big tough guy cop is because of me. He said that. He said he looks at me and sees the toughest guy around. He compared me to Batman, think about that. Batman.”

At press time, the new Village People lineup were seen harassing a group of teenagers for loitering outside a 7-Eleven.

David Lynch Dead at 78, or in the White Lodge, or Maybe the Whole Thing Is Just a Dream, We’re Not Sure

Posted on by Dan Rice

David Lynch, the iconic auteur behind such projects as “Twin Peaks,” “Blue Velvet,” and “Mulholland Drive,” passed away today at the age of 78. Maybe. We think. It’s also possible that he has entered a world just beneath the surface of this world known as “The White Lodge,” or that everything we are witnessing is merely someone’s dream. Gotta be honest we are completely lost on this one.

Our office has been in a surrealist state of high strangeness ever since the story was announced. When our editor first informed us, there was an immediate silence, followed by every writer saying “We’re sorry” in unison. The lights dimmed, and a spotlight suddenly showed on Julee Cruise, who honest to god we didn’t even know was there a second ago. She sang a hauntingly sad song, which we applauded, then attempted to resume business as usual.

For a few moments, everything seemed normal, save for the jazz music playing in the background that no one could find the source of. Then, an intern began shrieking in terror at a ceiling fan. Our copy editor waltzed passed her humming an old doo-wop song, his hair having mysteriously turned white. The head of our art department inexplicably transformed into a 20-year-old mid-west auto mechanic who looked exactly like Balthazar Getty, and we had to let him go.

We’ve employed every means of deduction at our disposal to unravel the mystery of what exactly is going on here—dream analysis, spiritual intuition, the Tibetan method—and so far every clue has created more questions than it’s answered. Here’s what we know so far:

The Body
Lynch was found on the side of a lake wrapped in plastic, his arms tied backward. A tiny piece of paper with a lowercase “r” was extracted from one of his fingernails, perhaps what The Giant was referring to when he said, “When he is pointing he can talk.”

Time Of Death
Lynch’s exact time of passing was printed in a personals ad in a BDSM magazine published two weeks ago, suggesting either prescience or foul play. The ad also contained the chess move Qc7.

There Is A Giant
Oh, we should backtrack a bit. Yeah so there’s a giant, we call him The Giant, he shows up and tells us stuff sometimes. He’s also maybe a dancing jazz dwarf or an arm. Everybody up to speed? Great.

Every Woman Involved In The Case Is An Absolute Smokeshow
Talented! Undeniably talented but yeah, wall-to-wall 10s.

The Owls Are Not What They Seem
They are either aliens, tulpas, or ghosts, if they exist at all. This has no bearing on the case whatsoever but just, be aware.

We’re At Your House Right Now
Here’s a phone, go ahead and call your house. You’ll hear us answer. It’s fucking crazy man.

On July 16, 1945, The First Atomic Bomb Was Detonated
It is unclear if this unholy act created true evil itself or merely opened the door for already existing otherworldly evil to enter our plain of reality but needless to say The Giant, who is also The Fireman, did not approve.

Pay Particular Attention To The Opening Of Mulholland Drive
Lynch insists that at least two clues to his death are revealed before the credits. Note the coffee cup.

Andy Has A Gun
This is unrelated but should Andy really have a gun?

A Horse
Just a beautiful, magnificent white horse.

IDF Soldier Haunted By Images of Palestinian Children Playing in Town Square

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

GAZA CITY, Palestine — Israeli Defense Force First Sergeant Yosef Shochet admitted that he is suffering from terrible nightmares portraying happy, active children playing in the streets of Gaza following the announcement of a ceasefire, sources close to the soldier confirmed.

“When I close my eyes at night I hear the sounds of their childish laughter and it makes me physically ill. Their joy is nothing short of evil, I wouldn’t be surprised if there are Hamas command centers inside all of these kids,” said Sergeant Shochet while clutching his rifle. “Some people say they count sheep to fall asleep, but the only thing that works for me is counting bombs falling from the sky. I picture them leveling schools and hospitals and it gives me a brief respite of inner peace. But eventually, the negative images creep back in. I wake up in a cold sweat thinking about these kids playing soccer with a deflated ball outside of where their house used to be.”

Gaza resident Hasan Arafa says he feels no sympathy for any IDF soldier claiming to suffer from any form of PTSD.

“It’s a miracle I’m still alive. I’ve watched my wife and mother die in my arms and I haven’t had a real meal in almost a year. I’ve been drinking contaminated water and most days I actually pray for death, so no, I don’t feel bad that a war criminal is having a tough time coping with not killing children,” said Arafa while helping clear debris from a recently bombed aid center. “When I look around I see nothing but death and destruction, when I close my eyes I see nothing but death and destruction. It is true torture, I just hope it ends soon.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu says all IDF soldiers will have unlimited access to mental health resources free of charge thanks to money from the United States.

“We know this potential ceasefire will be tough on our military recruits. We are already developing lifelike dolls that look like Palestinian women and children for our soldiers to shoot, stab, and whatever else brings them some sense of normalcy,” said Netanyahu. “Also, I want to remind everyone that this ceasefire probably won’t stop us from dropping bombs. Nothing will stop us. We can do whatever we want and face no consequences because our allies abroad let us.”

At press time, soldiers having the hardest time dealing with the ceasefire were reassigned to the West Bank to help with the illegal seizure of land for Israeli settlers.

Childhood Trauma Rebranded as “How Things Were Done in Those Days” by Your Parents

Posted on by Matt Oriente

MOSES LAKE, Wash. — Your parents announced that your childhood trauma will now be officially rebranded as “how things were done in those days,” confirmed sources currently discussing this in therapy.

“We just want to make sure things are viewed in the right light now that our children are grown adults with opinions,” explained your dad. “Did it really matter that I didn’t hug my kids enough? Honestly, I thought that’s what their grandparents were for. But again—that’s just the way it was in those days. Things like putting your career first to climb the corporate ladder and making as much money as possible for yourself was what you did. The reality was, sitting in an auditorium watching my two-year-old’s dance recital wasn’t going to pay the mortgage on our house that we paid $1,000 for. Now that house is worth $3.5 million.”

You understandably were concerned that the rebrand downplays the more significant moments of your childhood.

“We obviously don’t agree with the revamped memories, as it doesn’t allow for any sort of resolution or healthy dialogue with my parents to come to a mutual understanding,” you said. “I’ve talked to both my parents about this, and the moment you call them out, they just get this glazed over look in their eye and say ‘it is what it is,’ as if that explains why they still won’t tell me they’re proud of me. It’s frustrating.”

Donna Loverly, a researcher at UCLA studying the effects of childhood trauma on the population, thinks the issue isn’t so black and white.

“Defining and encapsulating ‘childhood trauma’ is complicated,” Loverly said. “Some kids legitimately go through significant psychological challenges that change them on a deep level. But what others view as childhood trauma can’t always be classified as that at all. It’s often just scenarios where the child wasn’t the absolute center of the universe for everyone around them and not realizing they are being extremely annoying. In those cases, we found that parents just needed a breather—always being ‘on’ as a parent is exhausting. It’s ok to take a few days or weeks off from parenting here and there for some quality ‘you’ time. That’s what I did and almost some of my adult kids still call me.”

At press time, you stated that you had no plans to have children but were set to marry someone this summer who, you admitted, reminds you a little too much of your dad.

Opinion: Fuck It, 2026 Will Be My Year

Posted on by Tyler Roland

Well, it’s a week into 2025, and let’s just cut the bullshit right here, right now. Fuck it, 2026 will be my year. 2025 is just not it.

Just thirteen minutes into the new year, I knew the next twelve months were toast. I drunk-texted my ex, we’ve all been there, right? Well, she just unloaded this huge update on me. Turns out the new guy popped the question when the ball dropped and they’re getting hitched in February. That’s Valentine’s Day already messed up. Clearly the first week of 2025 was not the right week to quit Big Macs. Also drinking.

I figured I would just take a knee for the week and go at me new year new me plan full force on January 8th, but wouldn’t you know it, my mom texted me. Turns out my brother wiped out his student loans and got a huge promotion on his first day back after the holidays, and instead of just being happy for him she had all sorts of questions about when I was going to “make something” out of myself. Well Mom, right now as a matter of fact, but since you decided to trigger me like that it looks like another week of Big Macs and booze for me! Also lethargy.

Just looking at this upcoming year, I should have known this would not be the one. I just checked the calendar and my birthday, June 13th, is on a Friday this year. What a fucking drag. Call me superstitious, but to me that’s just a bad omen that says another lazy year of booze and Big Macs. Also, pretty sure I’m losing my job.

My whole plan in 2025 was nonstop entrepreneuring, but all of my ideas are falling apart right before my eyes. Like making a mini-golf chain called “Golf of America,” that ain’t happening now.

Oh, well. 2026 is for sure gonna be my time to shine. I’ll get to work on a bunch of ideas that’ll pay off by 2030. Maybe do some crypto investing with my newfound fortune around 2032. By 2036…maybe 2040-ish…you’ll be sorry you ever doubted me.

Dipshit Out on Walk With Headphones Definitely Picturing Self in Opening Scene of Movie

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

WEST HARTFORD, Conn. — Disturbed onlookers rolled their eyes as local bozo Sturgill Lacey clearly envisioned himself in an opening film’s montage due to the music he was listening to, sickened sources confirmed.

“I mean, we can’t really hear what he’s listening to in his headphones, but, c’mon, the guy is clearly imagining that he’s the main character of the planet today. Jauntily skipping over puddles, and petting every dog he comes across. I guess the plot is about a man who unites his entire community through cringing?” lamented local coffee shop owner Imani Hempstead, as she made eye contact with a customer as if to say “I know, right?” “Ah jeez, did you see that? He just said ‘bonjour’ to the baker across the street, like he’s Belle or something! Someone needs to kick this dude’s ass. Now that, I’d watch!”

Lacey’s response did little to combat the town’s suspicion.

“Sorry, can’t talk now! On my way to my high-powered job as a corporate lawyer, maybe! Or perhaps today’s the day I win back my lost love, the one that got away because I just couldn’t give her what she deserved, until today!” murmured Lacey, as the plodding strains of the Buzzcocks’ “Why Can’t I Touch It?” blasted faintly from his earbuds. “Hell, I may even need to do some of this commute in slow motion. Ah, bonjour monsieur bread baker! How are vous today, mon frere! Ah, can’t talk long, ze chorus, she is coming back up!”

As luck would have it, the film crew behind the upcoming 24-hour Truman Show-esque documentary series on Lacey titled “Simply Sturgill” admitted this wasn’t in their plan.

“This dummy’s ruining the whole show! It’s sucking the fun out of everything now that he’s pretending to actually be filmed. We need a guy who doesn’t think that would happen at all!” said director of photography Michaela Windstrom-Linz. “And if he starts singing along, our music licensing budget surely doesn’t cover an actual Buzzcocks song. Damn, I knew I should have taken that three-camera sitcom job over at CBS. Reality TV, man, it really is ruining everything.”

At press time, the imagined movie in question ended up having only enough footage for a short film, as Lacey thankfully got creamed by a city bus.