Grew up Listening to Wilco? You May Be Entitled to an Apology From Your Dad

Have you always had the itching feeling your Dad is going to leave your Mom for Jeff Tweedy? Did you fall asleep to the sounds of “Sky Blue Sky” as a baby? Was every family road trip a Wilco album listening party? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be eligible for an apology from your Dad.

If the below criteria applies to you, our office may be able to assist you:

  • You were often told you had an “old soul” as a child
  • Your knew who Neko Case was before the age of 12
  • You only applied to liberal arts colleges
  • You’ve spent a large amount of your life at farmers markets

We provide an extensive interview process in which we learn what ways this has had long term impacts on you as a person. Oftentimes, our office sees children like this start indie rock bands themselves – even as early as middle school. In fact, many have superiority complexes that stay with them throughout their adult lives. Upon hearing the sounds of “Summerteeth” or “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot” multiple times a child begins to create a God complex, believing that all other children have inferior music taste. And if this is combined with a Yo La Tengo album? The consequences will be life-long.

If any of this sounds like you or a loved one, please reach out immediately. We understand that being an adult Wilco fan is one thing, but being born into a Wilco family is another. When you scream “THE ASHTRAY SAYS YOU WERE UP ALL NIGHT” at the age of ten, you inevitably begin to embody a sad Dad – ending up in a swirl pool of emotional depth you could only pretend to imagine while playing air guitar. Your Vans-wearing Dad of the indie-rock persuasion may have introduced you to a form of Twee you can never escape.

Contact our office at: 753 Mermaid Avenue

ASPCA Adoptions Up 600% After Replacing Sarah McLachlan Song with Knocked Loose Screaming “ARF ARF” on Loop

NEW YORK — The ASPCA announced that adoptions have increased over 600% after switching their long-standing advertising music from Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” with a two-second loop from Knocked Loose’s “Counting Worms.”

“We thank Sarah for the decades of letting us use her music, but our shelters have been filling up and our officers of the board have been getting really into hardcore with a dash of metalcore,” said Scott Thiel, Chairperson of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. “An intern has been bugging me to check out Knocked Loose for months now, and when I first heard the ‘ARF ARF’ in ‘Counting Worms,’ I knew it was time to switch things up. Adoptions are up, and that doesn’t include the many, many more new applicants we are denying due to failed background checks and/or sniff checks.”

Almost overnight, the typical demographics of potential adopters shifted towards a younger, more aggressive type of pet owner.

“First of all, ‘Angel’ never made sense as an ASPCA tie-in since multiple popes have declared that animals do not have souls. So how would they become angels?” asked Lyle Powers, former snake guy turned current dog person. “That song just never made me want to throw down and mosh like a maniac. On the contrary- it was a huge bummer. But Knocked Loose? Me and my husky pug mix will see you and your high anxiety mutt in the pit.”

Members of Knocked Loose found themselves struggling with their newfound fame.

“Our streaming numbers are way up and tickets are selling faster than ever, but it’s a lot of elderly people who still watch commercials on TV and want us to autograph a picture of their corgi,” admitted Knocked Loose bassist Kevin Otten. “I came dangerously close to overdosing on lemon squares last night backstage during our show in Burlington. I keep wondering if this is the tipping point. I’m afraid of ‘Counting Worms’ relegating us to the status of one-hit wonder, since it’s easily our catchiest tune. I just don’t want to become another VH1 True Hollywood Story, if they even make those anymore.”

Anonymous sources indicate that a furious McLachlan has hired Kurt Ballou to produce her next album which will feature multiple diss tracks about Knocked Loose.

Ten Underrated Doghouse Records Releases to Listen to While Your Spouse is Mad at You Again

Doghouse Records formed in Ohio state when actor turned model Ronald Reagan was nearly wrapped with his second term as President of the United States of America, which today doesn’t sound 1/2024th as bad as what we could be dealing with again. Doghouse Records has since put out LPs from Say Anything, The All-American Rejects, The Get-Up Kids, and every other hyphenated band of all time, and all of these acts are too influential to be considered underrated for this here album ranking piece for this incredible label with an amazing catalog. So now it’s time to work for the man; we work for the man with the hot dog stand. After reading this, swing, swing, and run a four-minute mile.

As Friends Rust “Won” (2001)

Despite the fact that Apple Music incorrectly categorizes Gainesville, Florida’s As Friends Rust’s debut full-length studio album “Run” as an “electronic” effort, the melodic hardcore album should be streamed there repeatedly, and also on all other DSPs; it won’t be the first time, it may even be the tenth, but we have no idea what the ever hell Apple Music’s staff members were smoking with this genre description, so Cupertino, we have a problem, and this is us hating you. The band has two full-lengths in their catalog, and this was the first, which to many who ascribe to nursery rhymes would call the worst, but they’d be wrong, LP. In closing, AFR’s second, “Any Joy,” came out just last year after the band’s second reunion in 2008.

The Bigger Lights “Self-Titled” (2010)

How many bands has Ryan Seaman been in and/or drummed for? Don’t answer that, as the number is certainly dramatically higher than 2010 rock/roll groups, and even if you know, you don’t. Fairfax, Virginia’s The Bigger Lights, Seaman’s beyond underappreciated pop rock act featuring other musicians who have been in far less bands, put out their debut self-titled LP, and faded out shortly after. Pity, as the band could’ve been much, much bigger as they had the hooks and looks to back everything up… It’s so crazy that their Spotify monthly listeners are below a couple hundred thousand, let alone as of press time lower than 1700! Maybe it happened this way as the album came out a tad too late, or possibly a scotch too early. Well, what about us? We don’t wanna wait that long again, so get lost in this album from start to finish.

Cruiserweight “Sweet Weaponry” (2005)

Cautionary tale: Family bands either last as long as the living legends amongst living legends Donny & Marie, or just, for lack of a better word, don’t. This particular section of this DR manifesto will undoubtedly come out wrong, so to be honest, all of this pooch negativity will end pronto, so you can righteously let your confidence become whatever the antonym for “waiver” is. If we keep our game face for the rest of this piece, the defunct four-piece act Cruiserweight is one of the more underappreciated bands in the scene, and, bold take/thought alert, possibly one of the more underrated bands from the rock and roll for your party and your soul hub Austin, Texas. Should we let ourselves depend on this primo posit? Hell no!

The Honorary Title “Anything Else but the Truth” (2004)

The bloody panda image that was the central focus on the actual album cover for Brooklyn, New York’s The Honorary Title’s LP “Anything Else but the Truth” is one that we haven’t been able to get out of our collective heads in about two decades, but sadly, the band’s music just never infected enough noggins to have a career post-2009, and if you want anything else but the truth about a band whose career was cut way too short, please read an inferior publication. The Honorary Title even signed a major label deal after this album, released another full-length frame by frame via Reprise Records, but it didn’t exactly light up the sky, and the band has since to put out any other music since, making there zero reason to celebrate anything ever and ever amen.

Jet Lag Gemini “Fire the Cannons” (2007)

This will be the second and last time that we bring up Spotify monthly listeners in this piece as a non-controversial measuring stick, but how the heck does Mahwah, yes, MAHWAH, New Jersey’s Jet Lag Gemini have below NINE HUNDRED monthly listeners? If it was up to us, and as you know, it most certainly should be, “Fire the Cannons” would be consistently played at Emo Nites every few minutes or hour on the hour, but JLG just didn’t have the staying power to run any city for 21+ year olds in 2024. We hope that this article changes such for JLG, and that the band finds a way to infect TikTok to mobilize tweens to metaphorically go to war for the weaponry.

Koufax “Strugglers” (2008)

Easter eggs for our OCD readers: Koufax was also listed in our underrated Vagrant Records piece with their perfect 2002 LP “Social Life” almost unintentionally starting yours. In this sick and sad world of underration and struggling, Koufax stands firm and tall as one of the more underappreciated and unknown ones on God’s green earth, and you need, we said NEED to check out their full-length studio album “Strugglers” stat! Also, this may be the lone band listed here that can please both nepo baby Coachella attendees and punks way too old to enjoy music and life at Riot Fest. Plus, the album cover for this one rips louder than Hulk Hogan’s non-racist or generally problematic character in “No Holds Barred.” So roll the dice, and take a chance on, take a chance on this LP, and recognize that a California based staff member taught you well.

Limbeck “Hi, Everything’s Great” (2003)

Hi, basically nothing is great, because this Limbeck effort didn’t conquer both Stagecoach crowds and Lollapalooza vixens. Why? Someone is in the doghouse now, amirite? Is it because they’re from the alt-right Proud Boy wasteland of Orange County? Wilco and Limbeck not only have the same amount of syllables in their band name, and play in the vacuous alt-country (what the hell is that?) solar system world, but both acts have VERY different degrees of success. While Limbeck had a solid run of full-length studio records up until 2007, Wilco headlines much larger venues and even put out anal bum cover/buck futter in 2023 called “Cousin,” which may or may not be about Limbeck. Spoiler alert: It isn’t but Limbeck rips, bro, and “Hi, Everything’s Great” may sound sarcastic because it is, but our love for this band and particular album certainly isn’t.

Moods for Moderns “Loud and Clear” (2001)

Detroit has gotten BEYOND gentrified in the years that followed 9/11, but sadly nothing fixed the Motor City act known as Moods for Moderns, and this specific full-length studio album entry, “Loud and Clear,” is the band’s last, and its literal title truly sounds like a record from The Sleeping, but with far less Guitar Hero success. What’s your mood now? Is it contemporary? Any band with a bassist with the last name “Force” truly should’ve awakened the world boisterously and milky white. How does it feel to be the only one to know that you’re right? You mustn’t know. It’s quite funny, at least to us arbiters of humor and taste, that this record has a song called “Two Tracks Left” in the fifth song position, and that there are in fact five others that subsequently follow. That’s rich AND long distance dedication!

Paulson “All at Once” (2007)

The aughts rock world was seemingly sponsored by New Jersey, and even though that’s a bad thing objectively/subjectively, Midland Park’s Paulson deserved endorsement in more blogs, journals, magazines, and MySpace Top Eights! This entry for “All at Once” has a caveat, but we are all for being saucy and spicy little tomatoes, so we will let you know the lowdown dirty truth that it first was released via the reverential One Day Savior Recordings in late-2005, and re-released through Doghouse Records just under a year and a half later; please forgive us for this mention. Paulson, we’re calling on you to make more music as it has been too long since we’ve heard a new song. In conclusion, we need to say that we miss PureVolume and your mom.

River City High “Won’t Turn Down” (2001)

Let’s end this with a bang, shall we? UH HUH! You can’t slow us down in the A.M. or the P.M. So, if this article wasn’t strictly online and came out via the print medium, you couldn’t turn the page down, as this is the last entry here, but please don’t attempt to anyway, as we can’t take that kind of rejection. Richmond, Virginia may be more known for Will Beasley than aughts rock bands, but “Won’t Turn Down” deserves to be played at eleven. In fact, this particular record is likely responsible for the band eventually signing to the major label MCA Records but we plead the fifth on whether or not it caused the band to NOT release music on the label, as it folded during their term. Hard rock never sounded so sad, at least that’s what Belle said one day!

Five Finger Death Punch Merch Table Doubles as Army Recruitment Booth

LAS VEGAS — Heavy metal band Five Finger Death Punch recently transformed their merchandise table into a fully functioning Army recruitment center, sources close to the band report.

“We noticed that people who listen to our music seem to skew towards either ‘already in the armed forces’ or ‘considering joining.’ Fans attending our concerts can now pick up a shirt and enlist in the U.S. Army—all in one convenient stop,” Ivan Moody, lead vocalist for the band stated. “Why not give our fans a chance to show their love for their country in the most direct way possible? We will actually have buses waiting to take them to basic training straight from the show. It’s better that way, so they don’t have time to rethink their decision after the energy of the concert wears off.”

Some fans have expressed discomfort with the increasingly militarized atmosphere at the shows.

“I knew that their music pandered to military guys, but this is too far. The opening act was some guy in camos just talking about all the cool guns we’d get to use and how the Army will give us a sense of purpose and duty,” complained one concert-goer, who preferred to remain anonymous. “I bought a poster and when they handed me the credit card receipt to sign I realized it was seven pages long and conscripted me to military service for a year. That seems fucked up to me.”

Experts have found this experiment disturbing, but not at all surprising.

“Five Finger Death Punch leans heavily into military themes in their music and imagery. This collaboration just takes that support to the next level,” noted Dr. Emily Greene, a professor of Media and Military Studies at UNLV. “Recruitment is painfully low so the Army is doing anything they can to bolster its numbers. However, using music venues as recruitment grounds blurs the line between entertainment and enlistment in ways that could exploit the fanbase’s enthusiasm. Most of these kids don’t know what ‘Got Your Six’ even means.”

As people continue to debate the appropriateness of this partnership, Five Finger Death Punch have already announced that going forward all of their mosh pits will be under the strict control of a drill sergeant.

Quiz: Are You Horny for Pornography or Just Really Scared About North Korea and Would Like To Distract Yourself for a Few Minutes?

As tensions across the globe rise into unprecedented levels of intense technological advancement mixed with the takedown of free will of any kind, we might find ourselves in a constant waking state of terror, basically all of the time. Everyone copes with this stress differently and I don’t know about you but being forced to sit idle while our entire country willingly elects a dictator with unruly prison camp plans, several ongoing global conflicts, and North Korea constantly coming in at the perfect time to really push our fear to the absolute edge, makes me want to edge a different way.

During these times of existential fear, one might concern themselves with their pornography consumption, but fear not, this quiz will let you know for sure, whether you’re just horny for pornography or just really scared about North Korea and would like to distract yourself for a few minutes so you can briefly just forget about the whole thing.

Question 1: When was the first time you watched cartoon pornography? If it so happens to be when we first learned that Kim and Putin had signed a treaty stating that in the event of an invasion of Russia or North Korea, the “other party shall provide military and other assistance without delay by all means at its disposal in accordance with Article 51 of the U.N. Charter”.

Yes: you are totally spooked, just like me, it’s okay!

No: Please read the news once in a while, pervert.

Question 2: Did you just so happen to start watching a “film” about a naughty boy getting spanked and wanked by his big breasted step mother after you got a news alert to your phone that North Korea plans to deploy troops to aid Russia with Ukraine’s takedown? Did you finish anyway and cry later without any discernible reason?

Yes: You’re concerned. This is the only coping mechanism you have without a serious drug relapse.

No: This is the first you’re hearing about this whole North Korea thing, and now you’re watching the one where the stepmom is stuck in the dryer.

Question 3:
Do you find yourself alternating between live news updates and Pornhub faster than North Korea switches between threats and demands for sanctions relief?
Yes: Yep, your thumb has developed carpal tunnel from the constant app-switching, I recommend getting yourself a dual-monitor system set up for maximum efficiency.

No: Again, I simply plead with you to read the news once in a while. If you have been, you’d be seeking distractions like this as well!

Remember, whether you’re stockpiling canned goods or downloading terabytes of content for your spank bunker, we’re all just trying to survive the potential apocalypse. Maybe invest in a better VPN before the next international crisis hits. After all, America’s next supreme leader might be taking the freedom to “distract ourselves” away nationwide pretty soon.

Harsh Noise Show Audience Unaware Fire Alarm Has Been Going off Past 45 Minutes

BLOOMFIELD, Conn. — All 12 attendees of a sold-out harsh noise show were reportedly oblivious to the blaring fire alarm meant to notify them the building was on fire, sources confirmed amidst the uproar.

“What can I say, I was lost in the ever-lovin’ sonic swamp,” said an audience member who, when asked their name, simply said “Cardboard.” “It’s a testament to how hard the chick onstage was entrancing us that we all didn’t realize the room was filled with smoke, and the beeps of the fire alarm went along so well with the beeps of the carbon monoxide detectors she was using up there. Oh, and I figured all the people asphyxiating around me were an experimental theater element, which I was super into. Might steal it for my own project, honestly, if it’s up for grabs.

The artist onstage, called Sheathed Regions (real name Brianna Symmonds), is jealous of the attention the fire received.

“Goddamn, man. This is the one time I forget to pack the fire extinguishers I usually blast for my big crescendo at the 50-minute mark. I can’t believe today of all days is when I go to have them refilled. Uh, yeah, let’s just say you could tell this show was on a Monday,” joked Symmonds through gritted teeth. “But, on a more serious note, this was my only show for the next few months, so I’m pretty peeved that this so-called ‘deadly blaze’ stole my thunder like that. Glad to be safe and all, but I really could have used the stage time. Even though the fire engulfed the stage a few minutes ago.”

Chief William Lister, a first responder from the Bloomfield Fire Station, revealed how he got to the scene so quickly.

“I’ll be honest with you, I wasn’t even here because of the blaze going on, I was already in the crowd because I’m a closet noise freak. When I learned of the fire, my instinct was saving all the limited edition 7”s from the merch table before my common sense kicked in and I began moving the other folks out of the building in an orderly fashion,” said Kramer. “The other guys down at the station just don’t understand, but there’s something about the blaring beeps, screeching and honks that speaks to me on a gut level. I’m glad this weird-ass niche interest paid off and saved some lives.

At press time, it was revealed that the headlining act had planned on demolishing the venue anyway as their “salute to Hanatarash.”

Every Album From Rancid’s Side Projects Ranked Worst to Best

The members of Rancid have been making punk music together for over 30 years. In that time, they’ve brought in a wide-ranging array of musical influences from reggae to speed metal. Some of these influences never quite fit the ska-punk/pop-punk mold well enough to make their way onto a Rancid album. But that’s what side projects are for! Three decades’ worth of musical spillover have given us an extensive list of Rancid’s side projects to review, so we decided to rank them from worst to best, in an article riddled with the author’s personal biases, and without peer review from any known scientific establishment.

Note: an exhaustive list of every project involving a member of Rancid would be far too much for one article. They’ve served as studio and touring musicians for other bands, and produced dozens of your favorite albums from all over the musical spectrum. (Hell, Tim Armstrong had a cameo in  an episode of “The X-Files.”) For the sake of brevity, we’ve only ranked studio albums from bands which were started by members of Rancid after its inception.

DISHONORABLE MENTION: Transplants “Take Cover” (2017)

We wasted 17 minutes listening to this because it was incorrectly listed on a popular streaming service as an album, not an EP. We know, this list is only supposed to include studio albums, but we decided to review “Take Cover” anyway to spare you the same disappointment. In the years since their first albums’ success, the members of the Transplants had gone in such different directions that they didn’t sound like the Transplants anymore. Travis Barker decided he was going to be the official pop-punk drummer of hip hop, Rob Aston returned to the garage hardcore sound that had been dialed back on previous albums, and Tim Armstrong continued to talk-sing in the same slurred vocals he’d mastered over the last 30 years. There are only two original songs here, with the rest being mostly covers of ‘80s hardcore songs that are somehow made worse. The only song that even sounds like the early Transplants is aptly titled “Won’t Be Coming Back,” a promise we hope they keep if this is what future albums might sound like.

Play it again: “Won’t Be Coming Back”
Skip it: Anything from Transplants after 2005

12. Tim Timebomb “Tim Timebomb and Friends” (2014)

This was probably a fun project to participate in but it’s not always a sonically pleasing end result. Starting in 2012, Tim Armstrong took it upon himself to release daily songs that mostly consisted of covers and one-off jam bands. This album is all over the map. The first dozen songs were originally released as a soundtrack for one of Armstrong’s video projects. After those, it’s a mostly unplugged and hard to follow hodgepodge of genres. Ever wanted to hear your favorite punk singer perform a ragtime cover of a classic punk song? We didn’t. There are a few original songs in here, including a couple that made it into future Rancid releases, but there is also a version of “Blue Skies” sung by Armstrong that Ella Fitzgerald would likely disapprove of. If you think this project is limited to the 34 songs on this album, guess again. This spanned hundreds of songs, from a wide range of genres and qualities.

Play it again: “Honor Is All We Know”
Skip it: “Blue Skies”

HONORABLE MENTION: The Old Firm Casuals “A Butcher’s Banquet” (2016)

Another 17 minute EP labeled as an album on a streaming service? Who makes these decisions? Where exactly is the cutoff? We decided to unofficially include this one on the list because it’s good, just too short. Lars Frederiksen found the time in between recording and touring with Rancid, producing most of your favorite punk albums, and creating the anthem for the San Jose Earthquakes, to form yet another band. The Old Firm Casuals could be categorized as a mix of street punk and Oi! if that kind of thing is important to you, and this 7-song EP doesn’t have any room for slower songs to mix up the pacing, but the Casuals stray from this mold enough on their other albums that it doesn’t seem like a complete description of their style. This album’s title track is about as close as you’ll get to the arena rock influence seen on the Casuals’ other offerings.

Play it again: “Killing Time”
Skip it: “Kampråb” only because it’s an instrumental intro song. On second thought, don’t skip this one. It blends perfectly into the beginning of “God and Guns” to start the album.

11. Transplants “In A Warzone” (2013)

The blend of punk and rap that worked so well on “Transplants” and “Haunted Cities” wasn’t pulling its weight in 2013. “In A Warzone” has less of the musical experimentation found on the Transplants first two albums, opting instead to lean further into their hardcore roots. During the band’s 8-year hiatus, Travis Barker and Skinhead Rob teamed up with Paul Wall to make a terrible hip hop group called Expensive Taste that churned out songs about drinking cough syrup and buying jewelry. Maybe they wanted to differentiate their punk supergroup from their rap supergroup when they reunited with Tim Armstrong for another Transplants release? This is not necessarily a bad album, it just feels like the group has lost a bit of their identity as the members have focused on their own projects and drifted apart musically.

Play it again: “Come Around”
Skip it: “It’s A Problem”

HONORABLE MENTION: Charger “Self-Titled” (2019)

This one is actually labeled as an EP on streaming services despite being longer than the other two miscategorized EPs we’ve already listed here, and of course we’re going to include it because the “studio albums only” rule was our own creation in the first place. Matt Freeman takes listeners further away from his Rancid roots with this speed metal side-project than any album released by one of his bandmates. If you’ve ever found yourself wondering “what if Motorhead was fronted by a ska-punk backing vocalist?” Charger is what you’re looking for. We recommend starting with “Damage” to fully appreciate how Freeman’s bass playing fits into any genre he feels like playing at the time, even if the song seems like it was only included on the album for the sake of a bass solo. If you’re a fan in general of Matt Freeman’s gruff vocals, this project is worth checking out. But if you love Rancid’s more radio-friendly offerings over their less “pop-punk” deep cuts, Charger might not be what you’re looking for.

Play it again: “All Kings Must Die”
Skip it: It’s hard to pick one from a 20-minute EP that all sounds the same.

10. Charger “Warhorse” (2022)

You thought you were done reading about Charger? Wrong! Freeman and friends returned after three years off with a well polished full-length release. If their self-titled EP served as proof-of-concept that a punk musician could actually make a decent metal album, “Warhorse” showed that Charger could make a GREAT metal album. It’s easy to forget while listening that this ranking also includes a psychobilly album from the same singer. Or that this album is from 2022, not the early 1980s. Matt Freeman shows his range as a musical chameleon; happy to be onstage singing and playing bass for any genre of music, as long as the guitars are loud and the lyrics are shouted in his trademark growl. This album would be a welcome addition to the rotation of heavy metal albums your neighbor blasts in his garage while he tries in vain to get that goddamn Camaro running again.

Play it again: “Rolling Through The Night”
Skip it: “Dig Your Own Grave”

9. The Old Firm Casuals “For the Love of it All…” (2013)

Finally, a 24-song album reaching an unusual-for-punk-music runtime of well over an hour. There is no chance that this one could be a miscategorized EP, because it’s actually a remastered collection of several singles and EPs that pushed the limits of what could fit on a single CD, back when a few holdouts still bought physical media. This is everything you could ask for from a DIY Oi! band. The music itself is as violent as the lyrics. Listeners are assaulted with gritty, fast-paced street-punk songs about familiar tropes of fighting, drinking, scene unity, and standing up to the system. Songs like the Casuals’ cover of “Violence in Our Minds” and “D.M.D.P.” (short for “Doc Marten Dental Plan”) remind listeners that even the profoundly anti-racist kind of skinhead punks are still likely to kick you in the fucking teeth if they feel it’s necessary. Or if they get bored. As long as somebody gets kicked in the teeth. This is the way.

Play it again: “A Gang Like Us”
Skip it: “The Rabble”

8. The Old Firm Casuals “This Means War” (2014)

This was technically the Casuals’ first LP release, but at this point, we’ve lost track of the difference between EP and LP entirely. Maybe it never mattered? “This Means War” features more gang vocals and fewer specific threats of violence. The lyrics instead focus on vague threats of violence and references to war. Ok, maybe “Off With Their Heads” has some pretty specific lines about beheading pedophiles, but it’s nice to hear them take a stance and preach violence-for-good to an audience that would be happy to oblige given the chance. Those unfamiliar with football subcultures (we mean the soccer kind of “football” here, not the American kind) might be confused by the fact that this album dedicates two of its thirteen songs to the sport. “Perry Boys” is a nod to the well-dressed UK hooligans known as “Casuals” (Hey, that word is in the band’s name!). While “Never Say Die” was written and recorded to be the official song of Frederiksen’s beloved San Jose Earthquakes.

Play it again: “Victory”
Skip it: “Dear Leader”

7. Devil’s Brigade “Self-Titled” (2010)

Matt Freeman takes center stage with an upright bass in this psychobilly spinoff. The original plan was for this to be a musical called “Half Way To Hell” about the construction of Golden Gate Bridge. There was a saying at the time that a worker had “gone to hell” if they died by falling off the bridge. The men who were saved by safety netting started the Half Way To Hell Club, whose objective has been lost to history. We know, this is a depressing idea for a musical, but it worked well as the last song on Devil’s Brigade’s only album. This, along with 5 other bridge-inspired songs written by Freeman and Rancid bandmate Tim Armstrong, make up half of a concept album. The other 6 songs are Freeman originals that were originally released as singles and B-sides. Devil’s Brigade made sure to include a few lyrics about vampires, death, and motorcycles to keep this project grounded in appropriate tropes for the genre.

Play it again: “Gentleman Of The Road”
Skip it: “Bridge Of Gold” is good but it sounds out of place on this album

6. Tim Armstrong “A Poet’s Life” (2007)

While most of these side-projects focused on styles that were lyrically or musically too “hard” to end up on a Rancid album, Tim Armstrong took his solo project to the opposite extreme. This is a well produced tribute to early ska/reggae from a punk rocker who might just be a bigger fan of the genre than Joe Strummer himself. Hellcat’s own The Aggrolites served as Armstrong’s backing band for this album, but it doesn’t sound like “The Aggrolites with Tim Armstrong.” This project is its own entity, perfectly contained in a single album that would meet any pedant’s definition of LP, though just barely, at 10 songs and 33 minutes in length. The songs from “A Poet’s Life” would fit right in on an album from 1960’s Jamaica, if not for their numerous references to the East Bay.

Play it again: “Into Action”
Skip it: “Cold Blooded”

5. Lars Frederiksen And The Bastards “Viking” (2004)

This was the second and final album from Frederiksen’s solo project. It’s slightly tamer than his self-titled release from 2001, but this album is by no means a relaxing listen from this veteran of street punk. There are several songs that race to the end in under a minute. We’re treated to Lars’ favorite lyrical themes of street violence and gang fights. But there is also a cover of the Blasters’ “Marie Marie” and the Bastards’ original “Little Rude Girl” to shake things up with stories of love and longing. Shortly after these, the Bastards bring it back home with “Mainling Murder”, with its screamed lyrics about disposing of a body. The only song that feels out of place on this album is “My Life”, in which Tim Armstrong joined Frederiksen to sing us a song about all the women they’ve slept with, which likely had more to do with Armstrong’s recent divorce than any genuine affinity for sex workers or groupies.

Play it again: “Fight”
Skip it: “Blind Ambition”

4. Transplants “Haunted Cities” (2005)

Transplants continued to make the same style of punk/rap fusion that had made them famous with their self-titled debut three years earlier. The guest vocals on “Haunted Cities” have definitely skewed more into the realm of hip hop than punk, and this marks the beginning of a shift in the band’s overall sound. If the Transplants’ first release was an experimental punk album with rap influence, this second one is more of a rap concept album with punk musicians backing Skinhead Rob’s furious vocals. “Haunted Cities” was panned by critics when it was released, presumably because they expected much more of a “punk” record from the likes of Tim Armstrong and Travis Barker. Check out “American Guns” for one of the better examples of both singers’ rap qualifications paired with Barker’s legendary punk drumming. Though this wasn’t as much of a commercial hit as the Transplants’ debut, it’s still a solid addition to the extended Rancidverse.

Play it again: “Gangsters and Thugs”
Skip it: “Pay Any Price”

3. Lars Frederiksen And The Bastards “Self-Titled” (2001)

This was the first ever release from a Rancid side-project. It is a showcase of Lars Frederiksen as a punk vocalist, as well as a perfect street punk album from start to finish. The raspy vocals on “Ten Plagues Of Egypt” are enough to make you wonder how a person could sing like this for 30 years without damaging their voice. This album makes the band’s anti-war and anti-government opinions clear from the opening “Dead Americans” through the closing “Vietnam.” The lyrics once again focus on fighting, drinking, and having to grow up tough to survive. Even the Bastards’ cover of Billy Bragg’s “To Have And To Have Not” fits the album’s theme of a working class punk struggling his way through an unfair system. This debut release from the Bastards served as an outlet for lyrical themes that were a bit too “hard” for most Rancid fans, while establishing that the existing members of Rancid could pursue their side projects without breaking up the band.

Play it again: “Dead Americans”
Skip it: “Anti Social” maybe? We’re reaching here. This entire album is solid.

2. Transplants “Self-Titled” (2002)

Between 2000 and 2005, the members of Rancid churned out new music like nobody else. Within five years, they gave us 2 Rancid releases, two solo albums from Lars Frederiksen, and two albums from Tim Armstrong’s supergroup side-project, including this instant classic. This album was the result of two years of basement jam sessions between Armstrong and Aston. Thankfully, they came to their senses and decided to use live drums rather than the loops they had originally recorded with. If anyone questioned the rockstar Armstrong’s decision to take backseat to the vocals of then-unknown “Skinhead Rob” Aston, their doubts were crushed by the raw power of Aston’s screamed, and at times hoarse, vocals. An instrumental version of the album’s debut single “Diamonds And Guns” was featured in shampoo commercials in the early 2000s by executives who probably didn’t realize the lyrics of the song were about drug use and murder, including the line “who’s the fucking bitch who stole all the heroin.” It’s a shining example of a song’s lyrics betraying its commercial-friendly exterior.

Play it again: “Quick Death” pairs Skinhead Rob in a memorable shouting match with AFI’s Davey Havok
Skip it: “We Trusted You”

1. The Old Firm Casuals “Holger Danske” (2019)

Lars Frederiksen has always written occasional lyrics referencing his Danish ancestry, but on “Holger Danske” they have become the main attraction. This album’s name is derived from the Danish legend of a sleeping giant who would someday awaken when the nation was in danger. The Casuals dropped this masterpiece on an unprepared public in 2019 and, after a supporting tour, have returned to their slumber, waiting for the Oi! scene’s next time of need. The album’s influences go above and beyond the “street-punk and Oi!” that you will see used to describe everything Frederiksen releases. There are clear influences from classic rock and metal. “Casual Rock-n-Roll” is enough of an instant shout-along favorite that it should be the name of the Casuals’ genre itself, which may have been their intent. Whichever genre’s fandom drove you to check out the Old Firm Casuals, it’s likely that you returned to your friends with tales of Viking funerals and the Casuals’ anti-government anthems fresh on your mind.

Play it again: “Casual Rock-n-Roll”
Skip it: “The Golden Fall, Pt. 1”

HONORABLE MENTION: Operation Ivy “Energy” (1989)

We get it, you kept frantically scrolling down to make sure Operation Ivy was in this article somewhere. Because you don’t listen. We said only albums made by members of Rancid AFTER the band’s inception would make the list. So “Energy” is disqualified on a technicality. But if we were ranking it, it would clearly be the best non-Rancid Rancid project of all time. Freeman and Armstrong, along with Jesse Michaels and Dave Mello, only played as Operation Ivy long enough to record a single LP. They parted ways two months later. Yet this one ska-punk album was so influential that every punk in the ‘90s would be called a poser for not including it when they listed their favorites. (Note: you will more likely find this album in its self-titled reissue form, which included 8 additional tracks). Now that you’ve gotten your fix of Op Ivy for the day, please scroll back up and actually read the rest of the article.

Play it again: “Sound System”
Skip it: Skip this whole album if you’re taking this list seriously. Otherwise, Skip nothing.

Grateful Dead T-Shirt Designer Finally Out of Kickass Things for a Skeleton to Do

BEACON, N.Y. — A longtime apparel designer for classic rock stalwarts The Grateful Dead admitted they recently exhausted all possibilities for rad things a skeleton can do, sources confirmed amidst guitar noodling.

“I’m as surprised as the next guy that it’s possible to hit such a brick wall with the rich, florid, seemingly endless topic of ‘skeleton does some cool shit,’ but here I am with egg on my face and my foot in my mouth. Oh, maybe a skeleton with its foot in its mouth– nah, that’s crap. God damn, I’m stumped!” opined frazzled Grateful Dead merchandise designer Gerard Hammelstone. “It might just have to be ‘back to the bears’ for me. At least they come in different bright colors. I’ll let the Iron Maiden folks have skeletons for a bit as I go off and refresh artistically. It’s time I rest my bones, instead of figuring out a way to make other bones wakeboard or some shit.”

Iron Maiden T-shirt designer Hailee Stockdale was unable to hide her pleasure at Hammelstone’s artist’s block.

“Well well well, the big dog’s finally out of new tricks, huh? It was only a matter of time, really. Drawing human skeletons wailing on flying-V or zooming a motorcycle over the Grand Canyon is a young person’s game, I’ve always said. The guy should just retire, and enjoy all his Sphere merch booth money,” said Stockdale, in the middle of a design where Eddie was juggling chainsaws. “Leave the innovation to me, and to a lesser extent, the Social Distortion people, although they’re really just content in riding the wave the ‘martini and cigarette’ idea earned them. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I had thought of that.”

The ghost of original Dead frontman Jerry Garcia, graciously offered a statement regarding Hammelstone’s slump.

“Hey, man, Gerard’s just gotta mellow out, crank up some tunes, and allow the cosmos to guide the sick skeleton artwork flowing from his pencil. I asked Mozart and Rembrandt how they’d go about it, and that’s exactly what they said. Good dudes, good dudes,” said Garcia’s ghost, surrounded by a haze of weed smoke, empty nitrous oxide tanks, and heavenly aura. “Anyway, I can’t talk long, I’ve gotta go meet the rest of Heaven’s band for a meeting about letting in new members. Joe C has been lobbying to get in since 2002, remember him? I think this just may be his year, too. We could use a nice shake-up.”

At press time, Hammelstone was seen at a local graveyard with a shovel with the intent of “digging for some inspiration.”

We Caught up with the Budweiser Frogs Because We’re Curious About the Ravaging Effects of Alcohol on Amphibians

Look around, notice anything? ‘90s nostalgia is in full effect, and nothing says “‘90s” like classic Budweiser commercials. We wanted to find out how these icons of the past are getting along nearly 30 years later so we sat down with drinking legends Bud, Weis, and Er to talk all things party, but their haggard appearance, slurred speech, and putrid body odor became so unbearable we felt ethically obligated to redirect the conversation to focus on the ravaging impact of alcohol on amphibians.

The Hard Times: I can’t believe you guys are still around. I remember watching you in the 1995 Super Bowl commercial.
Bud: We should be nearing the end of our days, but the copious amount of alcohol we consumed caused a genetic mutation that’s more than tripled our life expectancy. It sounds great to some, but it’s more of a “Tuck Everlasting” situation. All my old drinking buddies are either dead or sober, so I’m stuck with Weis and Er until I inevitably freeze to death at the bottom of a pond.

HT: Wow, that’s certainly less glamorous than the commercials made it seem. How has life post-limelight been for you?
Weis: Great at first. Free drinks and any girl I wanted in the marsh, but nothing gold can stay.

HT: What happened?
Weis: One of the main ways we attract female mates is through pheromones. Before I started hitting the bottle, I had an irresistible musk. A perfect mix of flora and fauna emanated off my clammy skin, but years of partying have made me smell like an old bar rag. I haven’t had sex since the Clinton administration. And masturbation is incredibly painful for me, I’m so fucked up right now man I pray a bird eats me.

HT: Have you ever thought about stepping away from boozing and rebranding with a less self-destructive image?
Bud: Of course, but nobody wants a refurbished frog. The damage is done. Quitting at this point would be like putting a bandaid over a bullet wound.

HT: Do you have any hopes for the future?
Er: A few months ago my wife asked me to carry some eggs on my back so she could go out and do some shopping, but I got blasted and must’ve dropped them somewhere in the reeds. It would be a dream to find them someday and meet my 5,000 children.

HT: Is it safe to say you’ve stepped away from the silver screen?
Bud: Yes, but not so much by choice. We were approached to do a remake of a commercial from 2011, but we were so hammered we kept spelling out “Weis-Bud-Er.” We cost the studio so much time and money in retakes that they eventually sent us home and had it dubbed over with a professional voice actor.

HT: Any advice for future drinkers?
Er: The good times don’t last, but the alcohol-induced ectoparasites do.

Only Two Punctual People in Friend Group Sick of Hanging Out With One Another

DETROIT — Paula Thorne and Jesse Riggins, the only two frequently on-time people in a friend group, are reportedly absolutely sick of hanging out with one another for hours while they wait for everyone else to show up, sources who were running a bit late confirmed.

“Shit, Jesse is going to be here any minute,” said the always-five-minutes-early Paula Thorne. “We have a group of 10-plus friends that hang out every week to play board games or do trivia, and it’s always at 7:30. Fucking Jesse and I are the only ones who show up then and I have to talk to him about model trains, the trip he took to Japan six years ago, and his VHS horror movie collection. I feel like it’s the same thing each time and I’ve exhausted every possible thing to say about them. He’s a friend of a friend of a former roommate and I have to make awkward small talk about my dog and hockey until someone I actually like shows up in half an hour. God damnit, here he is.”

The consistently late members of the friend group seemed to have no clue about the tension.

“It’s so nice of them to hold the table for 30 to 40 minutes until a third member of the group shows up,” said eternally tardy Tyler Wendt. “When I roll up a little past eight they’re always looking at their phones so it’s not like they’re bored or anything. I’m just glad I was able to combine my friend groups and now there are two people in the group who can nab us a good spot. I once tried to get to an event early once, but ended up being the very last person there. I’ll never try that again.”

Although most of the group’s lateness can be seen as disrespectful, it is apparently an essential quality to have.

“Never show up on time,” explained sociologist Rhea Quigley. “Every grouping needs to have a couple suckers who have to chit-chat and arrive on time, don’t be that sucker. It’s a game of brinkmanship where every person should be trying to arrive as late as possible to minimize the amount of time they have to talk to any one person. That’s why I show up two hours late to lectures I have to present.”

At press time, the two punctual friends did shots to be able to better stand one another after half of the group canceled on them a few minutes before they were supposed to show up.