38-Year-Old Touring Musician Changes Entire Rider to “Enough Chairs For Me and Audience”

Posted on by Peter Woods

SANTA FE, N.M. — Ana Sutton, a 38-year-old musician who is currently on tour, recently changed all the demands in her rider to “enough chairs for me and the audience” in a move industry insiders are calling monumental for “aging road warriors.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I really need more actual money too,” said Sutton. “I used to ask for $750, dinner, and a place to crash, but those days dried up. Then I just asked for a cut of the door and a functional PA, but streaming basically turned tours into self-funded vanity projects. So the least I can ask for is a place to sit down so I can save on orthotic insoles, and even that seems like too much sometimes.”

Following the switch, Sutton’s fans have shown their appreciation for the streamlined demand.

“Really, she’s helping both me and herself,” said 41-year-old fan Erik Terrell. “It’s tough to gauge how much damage I could do to my back, knees, and ankles if I’m forced to stand for an entire show. I know I’m going to end up sitting at the bar after a song and a half if they don’t have chair available. Or better yet, sit in my car, which will take me to my bed. And then I can lie down, which sounds really nice right now. Actually, do you think she can add cots to the rider too?”

Despite this positive response, some within the music industry are not pleased about the new rider.

“What kind of operation does this brat think we’re running?” said Valentina Mcgee, a director of local venue The Slime Archive. “This is a DIY space. Only a self-entitled, stuck-up venue would just have chairs around. Like, we have a plastic bucket that someone can turn upside down. I could hose off some of the cinderblocks in our back alley and those could work in a pinch. And I’m pretty sure this step ladder can sit maybe 12 people, but chairs? Come on.”

“Oh wait, only 8 people said they’re attending on Facebook,” added Mcgee. “So I think we’re good.”

As of press time, 12 of the venues on Sutton’s tour implemented a $10 chair rental fee.

Opinion: As a Performer, I Actually Love Looking Out Into a Sea of Illuminated Rectangles

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

These days, it’s commonplace for concert attendees to have their smartphones on hand to record every second of a performance. While many musicians have waxed poetic about the loss of living in the moment and how annoying it can be to see your crowd completely disengaged from you, I’m here today to offer my humble opinion: that, as a performer, I actually love looking out into a sea of illuminated rectangles.

No, really! I don’t mind it at all, and in fact, reap intense joy from the very sight of the faces of strangers lit up like they’re telling a scary story around a campfire. Other performers and singers might totally hate the fact that everyone who is there to supposedly enjoy their work is just staring at a tiny screen instead of actually witnessing the show, but not me. I think it’s deeply comforting to never look a single crowd member in the eye. Or even look at people holding lighters, or people who are too shitfaced to know where they are. I prefer the cool blue glow of an iPhone 14 to all of that.

I just think it’s kind of amazing that in this day and age, people don’t want to be present at all. I love that shit! The people who come to my gigs have no interest in me, they have an interest in documenting a memory they never really experienced in the first place so they can brag to their friends online. That’s honestly a huge step forward for humanity. We’ve bypassed live entertainment completely. And I’m here to tell you definitively that, as someone who does this for a living, I just can’t get enough of this phenomenon.

Speaking of doing things for a living, I’m actually looking into getting a sponsorship with Apple. I really think my unique viewpoint of genuinely adoring when my so-called fans completely fucking ignore me in order to take several hundred 15-second videos they will never revisit could be highly profitable. And sure, I’d consider Android, but we all know that those green-text-bubble fools don’t manufacture the sort of luminescent rectangle that really makes my heart warm.

Do any of you guys have an in down at the ol’ influencer headquarters? Anyone know how I can monetize watching the music industry continue to nosedive both morally and financially? @ me on IG during one of my shows if you do!

Friends Stage Emergency Intervention Over Man’s Refusal to Shave Soul Patch

Posted on by Ben Friedman

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local man Greg Wachowski was surprised by an intense and emotional intervention regarding his refusal to shave his soul patch, concerned friends have confirmed.

“It’s been a tumultuous evening, but it was a long time coming. Ever since Greg grew this soul patch he’s become a different person, and we have to tell him point-blank how fucking stupid he looks. He’s tried to convince us he’s going for ‘edgy nu-metal frontman’ but he looks like a creepy magician. Not sure which is worse,” said intervention organizer Jane Williams. “He’s not taking it well, especially about how we don’t want to be seen with him in public. We can’t force him to get rid of it, but without help this will be a slippery slope to unironically wearing a fedora or bowling shirts with flames on them.”

Wachowski could not help but feel like he was being attacked over what was simply a personal choice.

“Rocking this soul patch isn’t a problem. The real problem is my so-called ‘friends’ lying about hosting a Korn karaoke night only to cry at me about my grooming habits. I like the soul patch, OK? I can’t have fun without it and it makes me feel invincible. And I can shave it off any time I want to, dammit,” said Wachowski after locking himself in the bathroom. “But no, I gotta be ballbusted about how I look like a villain from a bad ‘90s action movie, as if that were a bad thing. I don’t care that my brother is uninviting me to Thanksgiving, I’m not buying a razor. I’m totally in control of my facial hair!”

Intervention resource groups acknowledged that cringe-inducing style choices can impact lives similarly to substance abuse.

“When intervening with a loved one’s self-destructive behaviors, at least with drugs and alcohol, there are many treatment programs they can get checked into. Unfortunately when it comes to questionable fashion choices you have to practically beat it out of them. It’s a level of delusion that can’t be fixed with a methadone clinic,” said intervention specialist John Dorner. “Embarrassing facial hair is the toughest because it’s totally avoidable, yet usually attached to extremely stubborn people. I watched the hipster handlebar mustache trend in the early 2010’s tear families apart.”

Wachowski eventually agreed to shave after friends showed him a picture of Howie Mendel and said this was his future if he didn’t change his harmful lifestyle.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week Because We’ll Take Any Distraction From Election Coverage

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Now that you’ve thrown away another cheaply made and ill-fitting costume, there’s nothing left to do but sit back, relax, and have several full-blown panic attacks about the current and future state of the nation. We’re not saying it’s not important to worry, but you should probably give yourself some breaks here and there. Fortunately, no matter how chaotic and unsettling the world gets, artists are constantly churning out new material. Here are six new tracks you can put on while you disassociate until Wednesday morning.

Bartees Strange ‘Too Much’

If you’re still somehow celebrating Halloween today, you’ll be happy to know that indie rock phenomenon Bartees Strange has released a new track from his upcoming album ‘Horror.’ Though ‘Too Much’ won’t appear next to ‘Monster Mash’ on next year’s spooky playlist, the riffage here is so good it’s kind of scary. Sonic attributes aside, the accompanying video is worthy of b-horror status and has already been giving several of our interns intractable night terrors.

Chastity Belt ‘That Guy’

Your favorite band’s favorite band, the beloved indie quartet Chastity Belt return with an excellent new single ‘That Guy.’ The track was initially recorded for last year’s excellent comeback album ‘Live Laugh Love’ but didn’t quite make the perfect cut of the record. As expected, a Chastity Belt song that isn’t good enough to make it on one of their albums is still better than some bands’ entire discographies.

Tunde Adebimpe ‘Magnetic’

TV On The Radio’s frontman Tunde Adebimpe is primed to release his solo debut and first record for famed label Sub Pop next year. Whereas most artists tend to dial back their sound for solo records, Adebimpe seems to be keeping the energy going strong. His debut single ‘Magnetic’ is frenetic dance-punk ripper that wouldn’t sound out of place on the upcoming TOTR tour, but still manages to evoke a fresh, new and individual tone. AKA, way less sad than your solo debut.

The Cure ‘Warsong’

It’s hard to believe it, but The Cure’s long threatened new album has finally been thrust upon us. ‘Songs of a Lost World’ marks the goth progenitors’ first collection of new music in 16 years. Some of our nerdiest and saddest writers have even gone as far as to say it’s their best album since the ‘90s. We’re not sure about that, but it is very good. To help ease you into the massive display of ambient goth-rock fuckery, we suggest starting with one of the few tracks that is under 6 minutes long.

Fucked Up ‘Someday’

On Friday, Fucked Up surprise released their fourth album in less than two years. It should be noted that this album comes on the heels of an 11 track record they wrote, recorded, and released within a 24 hour span. Considering how long it’s taken to put the ‘finishing touches’ on your 6-song solo debut, the band is currently outpacing you by nearly 4000%. There’s no need to be so depressed you quit music, though. The album is so good it might inspire you to fuck with the snare on track 3 for another 8 hours before completely rerecording the whole track.

LCD Soundsystem ‘x-ray eyes’

Bust out that knee brace and pop a couple ibuprofen, cause it’s time to dance! That’s right. LCD Soundsystem is back with a brand new jam, ‘x-ray eyes.’ The track has reportedly been culled from sessions that will form the whole of the band’s first new album in nearly a decade. If the popping sound that your hip is making to the beat of this one doesn’t concern you, the fact that 2017 was 7 years ago will be sure to do the trick. The band’s mastermind James Murphy has advised fans not to expect an album announcement any time soon as that is time better spent wishing in vain for your youth.

Too despondent to make your own playlist? Yeah, we thought so. That’s why we’ve taken the time to do it for you. You’ll find these songs and countless others by clicking here. Be sure to give it a follow or like or whatever Spotify is calling it now so you always have a way of tricking your loved ones into thinking you actually have hobbies and interests.

Elder Abuse? These Friends Convinced Their 37-Year-Old Friend To Go to a Show

Posted on by Trevor Graham

Recent clips of Frankie Valli performing at the age of 90 have reignited the conversation about elder abuse in this country. While celebrity cases shine a light on the problem, it’s important to identify cases of elder abuse in our day-to-day lives. Last week, a 37-year-old man named Matt Reynolds was convinced by a group of younger “friends” to go to a hardcore show even though it is painfully clear he has aged out of such activities.

One of the friends, Chuck Bowman, 28, said that they had good intentions of inviting Reynolds to the show at the non-airconditioned VFW hall located at the end of what locals refer to as “Oxy Alley.” “It took some convincing but he said he wanted to go just as long as it was not on a weekday night and that it would end no later than 10:30. That should’ve been our first clue this was a bad idea.”

“He showed up late because he said he had to stop at a drug store to get earplugs and some Dr. Scholl’s inserts for his Vans,” said another friend Dara Roberts, 26. “Then he couldn’t find the QR code on his phone he had been emailed when he bought the ticket and kept saying couldn’t he just give them five dollars and a can of food like every other hardcore show he’s ever been to. Poor guy is really out of it.”

When the first band Realm Of Brutal Assault started playing the older friend appeared to be confused by the giant horseshoe-shaped pit that opened up with just a handful of people doing spinkicks and windmills. He later asked why no one was up front singing along and that it was almost as if “no one even cares what the lyrics are anymore.”

Midway through the third band Retribution Fist’s set Reynolds began to fidget and said he needed to sit down complaining that both his knees and back were hurting from just standing in place for a moderate amount of time. Out of desperation he made his way back to the merch area and pretended to be working at one of the tables just so he could sit down on one of the fold-out chairs.

Unfortunately, the friends say Matt was unable to see the headliner X Violent Fucking Hatred X as he said it was getting late and he had physical therapy in the morning. Later Reynolds would confess to his friends he was not having a good time and at this point he can only sit through two bands maximum. Despite all of this the friends say they are planning to get Matt to go with them to the 3-day Purification Of Blood Fest when it is scheduled on the hottest day of the year next summer.

UN Deploys Kendall Jenner to Deliver Pepsi To IDF

Posted on by Josh Baumgart

TEL AVIV — The United Nations decided to call on model, media personality, and socialite Kendall Jenner to deliver a can of Pepsi to the IDF in hopes of ending the escalating war in the Middle East, confirmed sources who had no backup plans if this didn’t work.

“Who knew a stern talking to from the international community wouldn’t stop this?” bemoaned United Nations Commissioner, Volker Turk. “Nothing’s been working either. We tried giving Israel 50 billion dollars, but that doesn’t appear to be doing enough for peace. If anything they’re just increasing the bombings. It looks like we’re going to have to call upon a true weapon for peace: The American Monarchy. In particular, a reality star. She seemed to singlehandedly end racial injustice years ago, so now it’s time to put her Instagram fame to the test.”

A spokesperson from acclaimed beverage juggernaut PepsiCo weighed in on their decision to aid the United Nations in its efforts.

“Look, I’m not saying Pepsi ended racism in 2017, a lot of people say that. I don’t, but a lot of people do. At the end of the day, you can’t say the summer of 2020 happens without Pepsi,” said spokesperson Ron Brokaw, “We got a lot of backlash from that ad. People weren’t ready to have the conversation Pepsi was having. But they all come crawling back eventually. And Pepsi is here to answer the call. We’re here to give the world what it needs: aspartame and a two-state solution.”

A member of Jenner’s personal team reported how enthusiastic she was to join the cause.

“When I asked Kendall if she would be interested in donating her time to issues with the IDF she said ‘like with fertility?’ and I said ‘No the IDF’s war with Hamas,’” shared Jenner’s assistant Ashley Bowood. “And she said ‘Ashley, what does having babies have to do with snack dip? Is hummus bad for fertility? Because I eat that shit all the time?’ And then I told her it would be great for her to lend her platform for good. Then I told her this would do big numbers for her tequila brand and she agreed.”

At press time, Jenner was being loaded into a plane as they prepared her to be air dropped into the front lines.

Opinion: My Next Tattoo Will Be the One That Fixes Me

Posted on by Ben Friedman

As someone riddled with multiple hang ups, insecurities, and repressed emotions you’d be correct in thinking that I absolutely need to go to therapy. But that’s expensive, and I really don’t need a second party judging me when I’m doing it myself for free. Instead, like so many others, I’ve taken to a different form of achieving mental equilibrium by getting more tattoos than is necessary. So far I’ve spent $5,000 and the light inside me is still dying.

There is a silver lining though because unlike the last five or six sessions, I’m 100% sure the next tattoo will fix all my problems.

Now I’m not completely blind to the fact that I have arguably spent as much (and possibly more) money on tattoos as I would’ve to see an actual licensed professional to help me get over reliving every embarrassing thing I’ve ever said and done. Yes, both involve making appointments, waiting rooms, and deposits, but only one of them has me walking out with a big tittied mermaid on my chest.

I can sense some of you are reading this and saying “Surely there are other, productive methods of healing your inner child and reconciling with your past mistakes.” First of all, shut up. Secondly, I already tried that which is why I have not one but two skull tattoos. Besides, I’m not going to fall into the trap of the self-care industrial complex by getting into pottery or hiking. My hobby is having ink blasted into my skin until it bleeds, thank you very much.

But it all comes down to this. I’m just one more permanent piece of self-expression away from being able to look in the mirror and not see an awkward, overweight 14-year-old with a bad bowl cut. And instead of addressing my body dysmorphia head on, I’m going to get a big ol’ chest piece on that same body which will more than likely suppress the memory of the 8th grade dance. Checkmate, body issues!

The breakthrough is just around the corner, you’ll see! Pretty soon I’ll be rocking ink so cool, so spiritually cathartic, that I can stop internalizing two decades of self-hatred and remorse. I’m thinking of something like a rattlesnake with a knife through its head or a panther. The guy I go to can easily do either.

And hell, if that doesn’t work I can always just switch to body piercing.

Reformed Skinhead Speaking Engagements Dry Up as Everyone Goes Back to Being Racist

Posted on by Matt Oriente

BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — Reformed skinhead, public speaker, and talking head Tom Lupine is struggling to make ends meet as America’s racial tolerance landscape continues to shift, sources confirmed.

“I was an angry kid looking for a family, and I found it through hate,” Lupine reminisced. “But then Obama got elected, I was getting older, had bills to pay, and I wanted to settle down and start a family. And just reading the room, I felt there was an opportunity here to really cash in, so I decided to renounce bigotry once and for all or until it stopped paying my bills. Once I did that everyone wanted me to discuss my transformation and tell me how strong I was for it. I started booking college lectures, appearing on cable news. It was a prosperous time for me. But now that racial prejudice is back in style, no one wants to give me the time of day.”

Lupine cites the election of Donald Trump as the turning point that saw the country shift back to being openly racist.

“2016 allowed me to come out of the shadows finally. Just look at that MSG rally, it brought a tear to my eye to see so many like-minded people in one place,” said skinhead Robby Murphy. “I didn’t have to hide in plain sight anymore. Not only can I be openly racist, but I am being invited to speak at all sorts of places now — private schools, churches, nursing homes, Ben Shapiro podcasts, even cable news. Heck, I even have a few police departments trying to recruit me. It feels like the country is back on track. Really, it proves that no matter what, intolerance always wins in the end.”

Claire Shields, a booking agent specializing in speakers across the skinhead spectrum, has noticed the shift in demand as well.

“The market for reformed racists has definitely seen a decline,” Shields explained. “It’s shocking. People forget tolerance was so trendy for a long time, and it paid pretty well. People made a lot of money and we thought it would last forever. Reformation is just not en vogue right now, I’ve had to really shift my business model to take on more KKK members.”

At press time, Lupine decided to become an unreformed skinhead in order to cash in and make rent this month.

Oh No, My Boss is Reading “The Art of War”

Posted on by Sean Fallon

I missed the subway this morning and got caught in the rain, and just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, I walked in and saw my boss Larry holding Sun Tzu’s The Art of War. I would have rather he’d been carrying a gun.

He was walking around the office, holding it so people could see the cover but no one was asking him about it. It was a crucifix to vampires and we all just kept our eyes on our keyboards.

Just before lunch, he called us in for an “impromptu pow-wow” and when we were all assembled in the boardroom he said, “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle. Worth thinking about.”

Man, we sell travel insurance. Who the fuck is our enemy?

The rest of the day was like that. I asked Larry about the plan to replace Owen who left last month and Larry said, “In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity.” So I guess we’re not replacing him and we’ll just take on his clients. Or the opportunity is to get someone more skilled than Owen in. I asked for clarification and he said, “Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.”

After that, I had to go and vape in the emergency stairwell for half an hour.

Around 2 o’clock, I had some clients arrive for a presentation. I had booked the boardroom, got it all set up, and met them at the elevators. Making small talk, I walked them into the boardroom and there was Larry, standing by the whiteboard. He had written on it in huge letters: It is easy to love your friend, but sometimes the hardest lesson to learn is to love your enemy. He then bowed at the waist, said “Konnichiwa,” and walked out.

The clients were from Missouri and I’m pretty sure Sun Tzu was Chinese.

I managed to avoid him until the end of the day but as I left I saw him in his office cracking open a copy of Walter Isaacson’s Elon Musk biography and that’s why I’m writing to you to apply for the role you advertised.

Anti-Abortion Picketer Attends 40th Consecutive Farmer’s Market Converting Zero People

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ANOKA, Minn. — A conservative anti-abortion picketer was confused after being unable to convert a single person to his cause, even after picketing at a local farmer’s market for 40 consecutive weeks.

“What am I doing wrong? I’ve tried harassing passersby, screaming at children with a bullhorn, and displaying out-of-context medical waste photos and still no one will acknowledge me. You’d think after nearly a year, one person would take the time out of their Saturday morning to have me explain to them abortion is murder, and liberal women are whores,” said Jonah Williams. “I’m rethinking my strategy, like maybe using a bigger font for the sign listing everyone who’s going to Hell. Even the vendors are icing me out! I almost got through to the lady who sells cranberries, but it turns out they were just filming me for a TikTok video to shit all over me. At least it got 400,000 likes.”

Frequent marketgoers have learned to tune Williams out, despite his rantings.

“This asshole just doesn’t give up, and for some reason he singles me out every weekend which I assume is because of my tattoos. I’d love to not listen to him demonify my bodily autonomy but this market hands down has the best zucchini,” said Emily Hutchinson. “If he wants to exercise his First Amendment right, good for him. But by now he must realize nobody here gives a shit, unless he’s one of those guys who gets off on being humiliated in public. I’m not sure which one is worse.”

The market coordinator admitted he only let in Williams in order to be politically neutral, despite him being a nuisance.

“He’s like the third wackjob who’s been booted out of other public spaces, and for some reason the farmer’s market is their last stand. Technically I can’t boot them out since they have the right to exercise free speech, so I made up a ‘free speech’ area they have to stand in so they don’t chase people away from the organic squash,” said Leon Fuller. “It’s kind of sad watching Jonah come here for weeks on end to shout at a demographic he’ll never convert to his cause, but then I remember that keeping him contained here prevents him from harassing a Planned Parenthood.”

Williams finally managed to engage market patrons after they all bought out all the market’s organic tomatoes to throw at him.