Hellcat Records’ Entire Roster Exposed as Just The Interrupters Wearing Different Colored Fred Perry Shirts

Posted on by Matt Oriente

LOS ANGELES — Former Hellcat Records intern Alexis Merz revealed that the entire band roster consists of The Interrupters dressed in variously colored Fred Perry shirts, confirmed shocked sources.

“It’s been sort of a known secret within the label,” explained Merz. “But for those new to the label, like I was at the time, you start to notice the little things, like the singer of a freshly signed band sounds a lot like Aimee [Allen] Interrupter, but you shake it off because Aimee, and a lot of the bands on this label, all sound like someone doing a Tim Armstrong impression. Hell, I was even mistaken for the bassist of HorrorPops because I wore a Fred Perry shirt. I’ve been sticking with Penguin polos ever since.”

Allen, the lead singer of The Interrupters, explained that there was never any intent to deceive.

“It just kind of just happened,” said Allen. “I remember going into pre-production on our first album, which Tim [Armstrong] produced. We had meetings with Tim and we noticed after the second meeting after playing a song for him he’d ask why we were covering an Interrupters track and to play something original. Naive as we were, we thought this was part of his process. By the end of the meeting, we’d have another contract to sign, with some random band name on it, like Charged GBH or Rat Boy. We soon realized this could be pretty lucrative, so every few meetings, we’d just show up in different colored Fred Perry shirts and Groucho glasses, and we’d have another record contract. No one was stopping us.”

Co-founder of Hellcat Records, Brett Gurewitz, tried to prevent Armstrong from continually resigning The Interrupters.

“After the Interrupters received their fourth record contract, we pulled Tim aside and asked him if he knew that they were pulling a fast one. He’d looked at us like we were idiots, aggressively mumbled something about ‘his crew’ and ‘Travis Barker’ and just left. Nothing resolved. I’m pretty sure he threatened us that day, but I can never understand him. The upside was, the records would sell, so we let it continue. Tim’s either a genius or only really associates people based on the color of their pique polo.”

At press time, Hellcats Records has pledged to improve and has appointed a DEI leader to diversify its roster and donated 100 Fred Perry shirts to Lars Frederiksen.

Opinion: If Green Day Is Considered “Punk,” Then I Should Be Considered Mentally Fit Enough for Visitation Rights

Posted on by Trevor Hazell

It’s the age old debate for us millennial punks; what is Green Day’s current standing in our fine culture? Most naysayers point to their sophomore album “Kerplunk” which began to draw the attention of major record companies as the moment they forsake their patch and sold out for the almighty dollar. Green Day unequivocally changed the punk genre with their mainstream debut, but was it for better or worse? It depends on who you ask. No matter what side you’re on though, we can all agree on one thing: if Green Day is still considered punk, then I should be granted visitation rights with my kids.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Uh, Green Day is Pop Punk at best!” That may be so, but would we stand by and claim Buffalo Springfield isn’t rock simply because of their folk influence? Is Creed not post-grunge just because they’re horny for Jesus? And am I guilty of stalking and menacing my ex simply because she lives on the street I insist on taking to work each day? I defy you to stand before a judge and claim otherwise, because I’ve done just that and it did not work out in my favor.

Those in the San Francisco punk scene in the early 90s led the crusade against the band, their signing with Reprise Records being the catalyst. But even after being banned from their home club of Gilman for “selling out,” Green Day refused to never not embrace who they were, just as I did after every bar in a 10 mile radius banned me and labeled me a menace to society.

Many still consider financial success to be the hard line of punk stardom that should not be crossed. But despite my ex-wife’s similar attempts to keep me down with superfluous child support payments, I will not rest until the world at large acknowledges that Green Day can still be Punk despite me not being allowed to deliver my son his birthday present in person.

If being successful doing what you love is “selling out,” then sure, I’m guilty of selling out, specifically opioids out of my truck behind the local Wawa. But if Green Day can still exist in Punk culture after abandoning their anti-capitalist ideals, then there’s no reason my multiple “brandishing a firearm” road-rage incidents should disallow me from being a father.

So this is my final plea to the punk community and Judge Arthur Makinsky of the Gilchrist County Courthouse. Would you put my children through the same pain of missing their father that Billie Joe Armstrong endured? Let us avoid another “Wake Me Up When September Ends” by making things right: by legally forcing my children to spend time with me.

Trapt Show a Real “Who’s Who” of the Flat Earther Community

Posted on by Laura Lewis

BALTIMORE — Several prominent public figures within the ”flat-earther” community recently attended the same Trapt concert, confirmed multiple sources.

“Everybody’s here tonight,” said avid Trapt devotee and noted conspiracy theorist Jason Boutchyard. “I would say I’m starstruck, if I believed in stars. Like, over there is Greg Sumpolec—he’s the guy who first penned the ice wall theory way back in 2007. And you see right next to him, with the soul patch and the barbed wire neck tattoo? That’s Zach Smith, the genius behind the podcast Equator Hater.’ See, this is what I love about Trapt shows, it’s a built-in forum for intelligent people to connect with each other and share ideas about the government’s lies, like ‘climate change’ or ‘sunsets.’ I’m grateful NASA hasn’t hid Trapt from us the way they hide God.”

Other attendees and those working the show shared Boutchyard’s enthusiasm.

“I‘ve known the earth is flat for over a decade now, and it’s all thanks to Trapt,” recalled roadie Samuel Hicks. “One day I was just going buckwild to ‘Headstrong’ in my room, and it finally clicked for me. The truth was circling, circling, circling my head, like the fallacy of the earth circling the sun. I looked at the pattern I’d punched in my drywall and realized it was a flat square.”

Dr. Lorraine Zaltzman, Professor of Astronomy at the University of Maryland, gave her expert opinion.

“Flat-earthers are certainly a ‘stand up’ community,” remarked a chuckling Zaltzman. “Our campus events are consistently protested by the local Trapt fanbase, where they accuse us of peddling lies about the shape and movement of the earth and other planets. I don’t know what the connection is exactly, but in my experience, the Venn diagram of Trapt fans and flat-earth conspiracy theorists is, well, a circle.”

As of press time, several notable flat-earthers signed autographs for eager show attendees, as well as the band members themselves.

Photo by Roberta.

News Media Struggling To Report Why Gunman Targeted Wealthy CEO Instead of Lashing Out at Immigrants or Women

Posted on by Cody Arbor

NEW YORK — Media outlets are still scrambling to give comprehensible coverage of what they are calling the most baffling, seemingly unmotivated crime story of the century—the shooting of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, a wealthy white man born on U.S. soil—days after the incident, insider sources confirm.

“In all my years telling people what to be afraid of I’ve never seen anything like this,” said CNN breaking news editor Arthur Helm, looking unkempt while holding a shacky styrofoam cup of coffee. “The whole thing has shattered my psyche if I’m being honest. I tried to schedule an extra session with my therapist, but my insurance wouldn’t cover it. Anyway, our best guess at this point is that the crime was part of a satanic ritual requiring a totally random human sacrifice, but we can’t run that! Can we?”

While maintaining composure on camera, the sight of major network anchors visibly shaking in break rooms or crying alone in their cars have become commonplace in the face of this, a major violent crime that appears to have nothing to do with xenophobia or misogyny.

“My job used to be so simple,” confided one anchor who chose to remain anonymous. “Say there’s a wildfire in California, right? Well, blame immigrants and antifa! But this? How am I supposed to face the nation and assure them that the murder of a man singlehandedly responsible for their loved ones not receiving the best possible medical care every day is anything but random chaos?”

While both the media and law enforcement are at a loss to what the motive behind this crime could be, sociologist and frequent network news talking head Olivia McHarris believes she has the answer.

“Well isn’t it obvious? Due to political and economic disillusionment, people have gone insane and started doing things that don’t make any sense, instead of fearing immigrants and hating women,” said McHarris. “It’s almost as if people are fed up with the billionaire class. But that can’t be it.”

Sources within Fox News have confirmed that their coverage will soon pivot to labelling the shooting “A freak accident.”

Billy Corgan Exits Joe Rogan Podcast Interview Convinced World is a Flat Vampire

Posted on by Matt Husser

AUSTIN, Texas — Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan left his recent interview on the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast convinced that the world is a flat vampire, baffled sources confirmed.

“I don’t know how I never saw it before, but it’s so obvious now. I’ve always known the world is a vampire because it just sucks us all dry, but now I question all the science that makes us believe the world is a sphere. But I guess that means the vampire must also be flat. I’ve gotta tell James Iha, we need to follow up ‘Aghori Mhori Mei’ with a concept album about Flat Vampire Theory,” said a bleary-eyed Corgan. “Joe really opened my eyes to the true nature of the world, and I’m starting to think that the star nymph on the cover of ‘Mellon Collie’ never landed on the moon, either.”

Host Joe Rogan continued to explain Flat Vampire Theory despite the interview being long over.

“Have you ever seen a vampire? Of course not, because they operate on a two-dimensional plane of existence, man, that’s why we can’t observe them. Jamie, pull up a picture of a vampire,” said Rogan, unaware that Jamie left hours ago. “See? The vampire on the TV doesn’t even cast a shadow, proving it’s flat. It really makes you think about what else we don’t know about the supernatural world. Like when a werewolf transforms, does his human hog turn into a little red dog dick or what? I gotta text Billy about that one.”

Smashing Pumpkins superfan Ben Johnson was struggling to wrap his head around the ramifications of the two-dimensional revelation.

“I’m just left with so many questions now, I always thought the ‘vampire’ was a metaphor for the system draining the life out of the masses. But there’s an actual vampire, and he’s…the flat Earth?” said a puzzled Johnson, examining the liner notes of his copy of “Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.” “If the sadness is infinite,I’m not ever sure how there can be any other emotions anymore. Is there room left in the universe for rage, despite being a rat in a cage? And what the fuck was the deal with that song on the Batman & Robin Soundtrack?”

At press time, Johnson’s family had an intervention after discovering a conspiracy corkboard filled with red yarn connecting “Zwan” conspiracies.

We Look Back on the B-52s Seminal Debut Album Because We Thought It Had “Love Shack” on It

Posted on by Drew Drevyanko

In 1979, the B-52s released their eponymous debut album, The B-52s, paving the way for New Wave music into American pop culture. Sounding like a keg party in outer space, the album blends elements of dance, surf, and punk rock into a wildly eccentric masterpiece that apparently DOESN’T HAVE FUCKING “LOVE SHACK” ON IT? Well shit, I wouldn’t have spent $40 on this first pressing if I had known that.

Wait, “Love Shack” is on their FIFTH album from 1989, Cosmic Thing? What the fuck is Cosmic Thing? You’re telling me, “The whole shack shimmied” the same year the Berlin Wall fell? No fucking way. Okay let’s play this thing. If this is their classic album, there has to be a few tracks better than “Love Shack,” right?

“Planet Claire” is cool, kind of a spooky, B-movie anthem, but I’m still yearning for that little odd place where we can get together. And while I admire the vocal harmonies between Cindy Wilson and Kate Pierson on “52 Girls” and “Dance This Mess Around,” I can’t say it even comes close to the feeling of dancing to “Love Shack” with my dad at his second wedding. The closest my dad and I have ever been is on that dance floor, arm in arm, singing “Bang bang, on the door baby!” I think about that moment everyday.

Okay I know this one, “Rock Lobster.” John Lennon famously told Rolling Stone in 1980 that “Rock Lobster” inspired his return to music. Just a few months later, Lennon was shot dead. I like to think if that song had been “Love Shack”, he’d still be with us today.

Fred Schneider’s ferocious talk-singing vocals really shine on side B with tracks like “Lava” and “6060-842.” However, he doesn’t deliver any of the lyrics with the vivacity of, “I got me a Chrysler, it seats about twenty.” I got my first handjob in a Chrysler. Every time I hear that line I cum my pants.

Front to back, “The B-52s” is shamelessly unique and creates its own universe for weirdos, freaks, and art school dropouts. Artists like Nirvana, Bikini Kill, and apparently John Lennon have all cited the album as a major influence. Every track is adorably kitchy, infectious, and if I’m being honest, greatly inferior to “Love Shack.” Tin roof, rusted.

Them Crooked Vultures Shocked To Learn About Dave Grohl’s Other Band

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

PALM SPRINGS, Calif. — Members of the supergroup Them Crooked Vultures expressed their hurt and surprise upon learning of Dave Grohl’s decades-long involvement with the Foo Fighters behind their backs, sources confirmed.

“When we started this collaboration, I made sure everyone was okay with this being an open door between me, Queens of the Stone Age, and Kyuss. I did not know Dave would be constantly flitting around with the Foo Fighters behind our back. I thought he broke things off with them in 2005,” said singer and guitarist Josh Homme while fighting back tears. “This must be what betrayal feels like. Was this why everyone was so pissed when Brody Dalle left Tim from Rancid for me?”

The sudden announcement was revealed through a statement Grohl posted to his Instagram.

“I admit I have been a member of a band, founded outside of my other band. I plan to be a loving and supportive member. I love The Crooked Vultures, and I am doing everything I can to regain their trust and earn their forgiveness,” Grohl wrote. “We’re grateful for your consideration toward all the members involved, as we move forward together.”

Experts find that experimenting with side projects is common among bandmates.

“Wanting to explore different genres and sounds outside of the commitments to existing bands is a universal desire,” said Dr. Rachelle McKay, Performance Enhancement Coach, whose website touts her experience helping high-profile musicians “elevate their excellence.” “However, it must be approached through open communication and honesty. In the case of Dave Grohl, it was so publicly exposed, I haven’t seen such fan scrutiny and parasocial judgment since Kelley Deal learned Kim Deal was previously in the Pixies.”

As of press time, Homme released a second statement expressing his disillusionment that bassist John Paul Jones never revealed he was in Led Zeppelin.

Brian Thompson Gunman Holds Onto First Draft Bullet Reading “Live, Laugh, Love”

Posted on by Tim Sheard

NEW YORK — After fleeing into Central Park, Brian Thompson’s gunman decided against abandoning a first draft bullet reading “Live, Laugh, Love” as to avoid leaving additional evidence.

“What can I say? I’m sentimental,” claimed the gunman in an encrypted statement to journalists. “The idea actually came to me when I was visiting Target. The kitchen decor section has all of these rustic signs with beautiful fonts, half-off since I guess they’re falling out of fashion. Right beneath an embossed wooden mantle reading “Gather,” I saw a framed “Live, Laugh, Love” in gold-plated cursive, with little hearts on the fringe. I instantly knew this phrase would imbue my revenge scheme with a light-hearted twist. But like Elizabeth Gilbert says, you need to get out your “crappy first draft” and I held space for myself to really prepare. I don’t mean to be all obnoxious ‘Type A’ about this, but it had to be perfect. Good thing I had a few backup “Deny, Defend, Depose” bullets in my pocket, just to really send the message home!”

NYPD Chief Jeffrey B. Maddrey weighed in on the gunman’s writing process.

“To be honest, I wish he would’ve used the ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ bullets because morale has been so low,” shared Maddrey in front of a monitor blaring Fox News. “My boys could use an emotional leg up in the investigation. Who doesn’t love a good affirmation? Right now, we have no leads, I’d welcome any boost. A message like “Live, Laugh Love,” is catchy, it’s inspiring. Depression is a real thing around here among ‘the boys in blue,’ especially with winter setting in. I’d suggest therapy, but our insurance keeps denying mental health coverage so I guess I’ll continue taking it out on my family.”

Symbology expert and noted code-breaker Dr. Julie G. Fairweather of UC Davis offered commentary.

“The first draft bullet is really a fascinating wrinkle,” said Fairweather over Zoom from a windowless office. “My work on deciphering remaining Zodiac Killer messages has led me to believe that a playful spirit is possible when committing monstrous atrocities. Many Americans haven’t seen true class warfare. If you’re going to kick it off, you need to have positive messaging. It’s well known that “Let them eat cake” from the French Revolution was indeed a reminder to sometimes slow down and enjoy the finer things in life. The gunman is saying “treat yourself,” especially since these insurance companies certainly won’t.”

At press time, the gunman announced that he is excited to finally unveil his “Positive Vibes Only” bullets in time for the holiday season.

Environmental Win! Scientists Celebrate First Boneless Rhino Bred in Captivity

Posted on by Matt Husser

ATLANTA — Scientists signaled a breakthrough against poachers after the first boneless rhinoceros was successfully bred in captivity at the Atlanta Zoo, environmentalist sources confirmed.

“With the rhinoceros group of species on the verge of extinction, we had to take drastic measures to save these majestic creatures from the illegal ivory trade. Then it hit us: poachers can’t harvest the rhino’s horn if they don’t have any bones!” said scientist Patrick Smith, while unveiling Puddles, the boneless rhino. “The gene editing that created this inspiring creature is our greatest hope to stop the illegal animal trade. By depriving poachers of the horns or any other valuable bones they might desire, we can ensure that this beloved species can live long-ish, relatively healthy lives in captivity.”

Zookeeper Ashley Sterling explained that while she loved caring for the new breed of boneless rhinoceros, it came with a few extra challenges.

“Move over Moo Deng, the world has got a new animal darling: Puddles. What this inspirational rhino lacks in a skeletal system, he more than makes up for with the charming way he oozes around his enclosure picking up grass in his fleshy mouth folds—at least I think that’s his mouth,” said Sterling, attempting to hide her grimace. “While we love taking care of Puddles, we do have to take extra precautions so he doesn’t escape. Last week he squeezed through the gap underneath a door and he almost fell through a sewer grate.”

While the world celebrated the environmental win, one international ivory merchant was reportedly furious about the effect on his business prospects.

“I’ve got half of Epstein’s flight log waiting for rhino horn, and now I’m dealing with this boneless bag of skin. How’s anyone supposed to get a hard-on from this flaccid piece of crap?” said the ivory trader, who asked to remain anonymous. “Andrew Tate alone goes through a kilo of ivory powder a year hoping that it will make his hair grow back, and I’ve already promised Elon Musk to get him a rhino horn katana handle. Maybe if I can get a hold of a few of these boneless flesh bags I can sell him on custom Puddles leather seats for his Cybertruck.”

As of press time, scientists were now hard at work trying to figure out how to produce fleshless tigers.

Help! I Followed Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life, But I’m Still Losing Custody Over My Son

Posted on by Jay Leon Feder

Anyone who knows me will tell you: I’m a self-improvement junkie. My 2024 New Year’s resolution was to crush at least one self-help audiobook a month. Tai Lopez hasn’t steered me wrong so far, so I decided to finally dive into “12 Rules for Life” by Jordan Peterson.

This book came into my life when I needed it the most. Let me rephrase that—Jordan Peterson came into my life when I needed him the most.

Or so I thought.

My custody hearing for my son, Lukas, was last week, and I had just finished the audiobook. The judge asked if I had been attending my support meetings. Peterson says, “Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today.” So I proudly informed the judge that while I used to go through a handle of gin in three hours, this week I stretched it to four. The judge scoffed, but I’m proud of my newfound self-control.

When the topic of Lukas’s suspension from middle school came up I was shocked. Nobody had told me about it but I played it cool and relied on Peterson’s wisdom again: “Be precise in your speech.” I told my son he was allowed exactly four beers. When I was his age I drank way more than that and barely got buzzed, but apparently he blacked out and tried to fight his guidance counselor.

Sensing that the judge was losing patience with me, I pulled out Rule 11, “Do not bother children when they are skateboarding.” I made sure to point out that I’ve never bothered Lukas and his friends when they’re skating. My ex-wife, Jenn, quickly informed the court that Lukas “doesn’t even know how to skate.” This information made me spiral a bit, who were those kids I was filming at the skatepark?

When the judge revoked my joint custody of Lukas, I knew the Carnivorous Canadian had led me astray. Screw you, Jordan Peterson. I stormed out of the courtroom, shoulders slumped in defiance.
Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons once sang, “Walk Like a Man.” If only I’d listened to them instead of some quack with a Kermit the Frog voice.