Punk Charity Drive Raises 20,000 Loose Cigarettes for Families in Need

Posted on by Mac McCarthy

MOORPARK, Calif. — Local charitable punk Branden Shaffer helped raise an unprecedented number of individual cigarettes during a holiday donation drive, according to coughing sources.

“It’s great to see our community support each other,” said Shaffer, between drags. “There are already food banks and clothing drives for the needy, but who is going to provide our neighbors these forgotten tobacco essentials? We created Spare Smokes so those households blessed with a full pack can share with the less fortunate who need to bum one. Even if you can only spare a few loosies from that crushed pack in your pocket, that small act could change the lives of a struggling family with no source of nicotine until payday. And these 20,000 cigarettes will ensure that dozens of local families won’t have to worry about where their next puff will come from.”

One donor spoke from personal experience of the organization’s philanthropy.

“It wasn’t that long ago that I struggled with cigarette insecurity,” shared Clark Rivas, before dropping a handful of Marlboros into the drive’s donation bin. “But Spare Smokes was there for us in my family’s time of need. They made sure our home was filled with the haze and comforting smell of smoke during a holiday season when we couldn’t even afford to roll our own. But now that I’m back on my feet, I can buy a fresh pack every morning. It’s an honor to give back to my community, one American Spirit at a time.”

This often-unfulfilled need for nicotine has been studied by Alex Mora, an economist familiar with the cigarette drive.

“Have you seen the price of a pack of smokes lately?” Mora shouted, while gesturing that he needed to borrow a lighter. “It’s over ten bucks a pack at the gas station, even for the shitty ones! The average smoker spends several hundred dollars per month just to meet their basic needs. We’ve had reports of some families going days at a time without a single Parliament Light just to afford the rising costs of groceries, rent, and beer. With no government systems in place to assist with this basic necessity, many are dependent on the goodwill of their community to have any cigs at all. If only there was a Universal Basic Cigarette policy in place.”

At press time, Shaffer was seen trying to salvage what was left of the donated cigarettes after accidentally spilling a full beer into the collection bin.

How To Support Your Local Neighborhood Businesses Even Though They Are All Full of Shit Nobody Wants

Posted on by Rose Eden

The holidays are back once again and many feel the urgent community responsibility of purchasing their loved one’s gifts from local, neighborhood stores even though they are all basically full of shit that nobody wants. To make matters even tougher during a time when many of us are already financially struggling, most of the items are so overly marked up that shoppers are put in a “double bind” of paying higher prices for gifts they’re 98% sure their friends and family won’t even like.

With the understanding that a lot of local neighborhood shops are overblown vanity projects for rich kids, tax breaks for heirs, and a productive way for well-off retirees to spend their free time and 401K payouts, we here at The Hard Times understand that not all small business owners and retail buyers are exactly in touch, so to say, with their fingers on the pulse of what consumers actually want this holiday season. Therefore, we’ve put together a guide on how to actually support these small businesses, despite them being full of shit that nobody actually wants.

Remember the street cred you’ll receive:

Keep in mind that most of us are exhausted this time of year, so many utilize services like Amazon Prime or superstores like Target or Walmart to purchase gifts and have them delivered straight to their door hassle free. The fact that you picked out a crafty gift with a questionable level of taste at a local small business not only means that you physically went out shopping to hand select the item yourself, but you also paid approximately 40% more than anyone else because of the outrageous markups applied to the items. Once the gift is opened, however ugly, any and all who phoned in their gift by slapping a curly ribbon on a bottle of wine will bow their heads in shame for not making the extra effort.

Consider all the extra cardio you’ll get:

While shopping at local, neighborhood businesses, you might find yourself turning an item over in your hands while saying: “What the hell is this?” followed by: “They want how much for this?!” causing you to carefully place the item back down and slowly back away. The problem is, you may have to circle the store many times to find anything that’s even halfway decent to give as a gift. Often, you will have to visit several stores in vain just to end up returning to the initial establishment you started at, tumultuously deliberating between a stapler shaped like a dachshund and a vase resembling a woman’s rear end. This deliberation process will often burn hundreds of calories as you scour the dusty shelves of several shops in search of something… anything that isn’t so embarrassing to leave under the tree that the recipient doesn’t immediately assume it’s a gag gift.

Utilize the long, slow, wide-eyed nod:

When purchasing and/or handing over a gift that you know is kind of tacky or crappy, be sure to make eye contact with the cashier or recipient and do the long, slow, nod while saying, “It’s from a local business in my neighborhood, I’m sure they’ll/you’re going to love it! It’s important to support businesses that are local, especially these days, in this economy.” Everyone knows that all too familiar, loaded, and somewhat delusional nod as a cue to ask no further questions and accept the circumstance at hand. They will feel so awkward from being thoroughly guilt tripped, no comments will be made about how nobody really wants a t-shirt that says: “Oh Kale No!” They’ll pretend to love it, while discreetly checking to see if there’s a gift receipt somewhere in the packaging.

Stay within a budget, but do not correlate price to value:

In circumstances like these, it’s always good to be mindful of not going over budget, but do keep in mind that items found at local, neighborhood stores are rarely worth the asking price. If $20 is your gifting budget, for example, you probably won’t get more than a pair of socks with avocados on them, but that’s still way better than the $40 Golden Girls coaster set or a $70 dream catcher made by some girl who hangs at the neighborhood dive bar named Hannah. Consider it as a sort of parallel dimension where cost has absolutely no correlation to value and the more you spend, well, nobody really cares, but you’ll sleep well at night knowing you supported a local, neighborhood business.

Remember that regifting is always an option:

The holidays are a singular annual occasion, but always keep in mind that most individuals have to give several birthday presents and even white elephant gifts throughout the course of each year. Therefore, if they don’t care for the gift you’ve given them utilizing the long, slow, eye contact heavy nod, (see #3) they can always stash it away with the intention of regifting it to someone else. Who would have the nerve to ask where that tacky gift is that you got them last Christmas the next time they come over? They absolutely would not dare. They can then also use that same long, slow nod, explaining it’s from a local neighborhood business in order to guilt trip their friends and family into strained gratitude, which is especially effective for giving gifts to folks you don’t really care for, or want to be around.

Makers of Scrub Daddy Release New “Scrub Sub” For Those Filthy, Dirty, Misbehaving Stains

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

PENNSAUKEN, N.J. — The makers of the Scrub Daddy recently introduced a new companion product, the “Scrub Sub,” which is meticulously designed to drink up the filthiest, naughtiest messes with pleasure.

“We realized that some people need to unleash a little aggression during cleaning. Unlike its smiley-faced counterpart, the Scrub Sub offers a submissive approach to grime, that really lets you unleash on stubborn stains,” Scrub Daddy marketing director Hannah Miller said while violently twisting the Scrub Sub in her hand. “There’s a satisfaction in dominating a sponge that doesn’t just clean but likes to get dirtier in the process. The Scrub Sub deserves to be governed. The Scrub Sub wants to be coated in the most disgusting fluids and thank you for it. It’s a sponge that’s here to take it, no matter how nasty things get.”

Not everyone, however, is on board with this spongy new product.

“Honestly, this is a bit much,” commented TikToker Darcy Simmons, a cleaning enthusiast and so-called “Sponge Influencer.” “Cleaning should be about the satisfaction of reaching a spotless result, not about indulging in the dirty. The Scrub Sub seems like a gimmick—what happened to just getting things clean without all this… subtext? They say once you grip the Scrub Sub, it will let you push it as hard and long as you need. Oh, wow, ok that’s kind of exhilarating. It starts off as a soft sponge but gets firmer the harder you scrub. I take back everything I said and am open for sponsorships.”

Experts believe that, in an era of repressed desires, the Scrub Sub is exactly what the cleaning world needs.

“In human development, people want to dominate their environment, but they don’t always get that opportunity,” Dr. Amanda Barnes, professor of Consumer Psychology at Franklin University explained. “Having a product like this sponge gives people a safe way to assert power over something. It allows them to release a side of themselves that wants to punish, especially over something that wants to yield to that punishment. The Scrub Sub is therapeutic for those pent up urges of, um, many types.”

As of press time, Scrub Daddy is still working on giving the Scrub Sub the ability to express a safe word for when things get too dirty.

Latest Democratic Fundraiser Email Just Nancy Pelosi Asking For a Ride to the Airport

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Democratic voters were left puzzled today after the party’s latest round of fundraising emails was just Nancy Pelosi asking if they could drive her to the airport, sources confirmed.

“Donald Trump is back in the Oval Office and the soul of our democracy is at stake. We need your help to fight back, but I can’t stop Trump if I can’t get a ride to the airport at 5 a.m. on Saturday. You failed Hillary Clinton. You failed Kamala Harris. Will you fail me too?” said Pelosi as she dictated the fundraising email. “Also, it would really help heal our fractured nation if you swung by Starbucks and picked up a decaf skim latte with a dash of cinnamon on your way to pick me up.”

Democratic voter Greg Leonard revealed that his inbox was completely flooded by requests from politicians begging for help with mundane tasks.

“I thought the Democratic fundraising emails would dry up once the election was over, but they’ve only gotten worse—this one is just a picture of a sobbing Chuck Schumer holding an allen wrench saying that he can’t protect democracy if I don’t help him put together this Vebjörn desk from IKEA,” said Leonard, scrolling through his inbox. “Then there’s this email from Biden asking me to help him move on January 20th, and oh great, look what just came in: ‘Greg! Hospice care for Jimmy Carter isn’t free. Will you step up?'”

Meanwhile the Trump campaign took a slightly different tactic with their own relentless fundraising email campaigns.

“ATTENTION! Will YOU visit Uncle Sam’s widow after the DEMONcrats murder him on live TV? Hillary Clinton has promised to shoot a bald eagle in the face, and we won’t be able to stop her if you don’t chip in seventeen dollars to the Trump campaign to save ‘UNCLE SAM the eagle,’” read the email, displayed in a red font resembling dripping blood. “Crooked Hillary is promising she will continue to execute an eagle every hour if you don’t pitch in to help TRUMP buy UNCLE SAM a bulletproof vest. And a commemorative gold-plated replica of Uncle Sam’s bulletproof vest can be yours for just $69.99!”

At press time, reports revealed a recent Libertarian Party email just reminded the recipient that they needed to tell them if they were a cop before they asked for a favor or it would be entrapment.

Opinion: If Weezer Cared About Color Blind Folks Like Me, They Would’ve Found a Way To Let Me Know Which of Their Albums Were Good

Posted on by Sidney Conant

I’ve never wanted any special treatment for being color blind, but I do appreciate the accommodations that society has provided to me that most chromatypicals take for granted. Minor things like mostly-standard stop light orientation, and major things like produce labels protecting unknowing taste buds from yucky green bell peppers both go a long way in helping people like me equitably navigate our lives, but I think more can still be done.

Like anyone else in their thirties pretending to be a carefree teenager in response to the growing promises of a bleaker tomorrow, I started listening to Weezer again, like nonstop. And I won’t lie, some of their work still holds up. It does, however, get tiring having to skip track after track just to find some of the good stuff when all of their albums have the same freaking title and literally look identical minus a different background color. How am I supposed to tell these apart?

Does Weezer just not care about the colorblind? Because finding ways of letting us know which of their albums suck isn’t exactly difficult.

I’ve seen the band donate signed guitars to charity and perform on benefit records—is it really too hard for them to spice up their album covers with different titles so I don’t have to sit through “Love is the Answer” again? Seriously, guys, Weezers II – XVII, or something—you know, like Zeppelin. Or does me being unable to properly run a litmus test in my chemistry lab without a partner not compare with the mission of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society?

I get it. Sometimes you want that consistency with the album artwork when you’re too afraid to take your sound in new and interesting directions, and I’m sure that helps fans know what they’re getting. But around 4.5% of the world’s population doesn’t know what they’re getting, and it’s like we don’t even matter to Rivers Cuomo. He could at least have the decency to wear a cowboy hat or something on the cover of one of these things, and I think he could totally pull it off, too!

I’ve even called half of their record labels, begging them to consider putting stickers on Weezer CDs with messages like “Warning: This is the One Where He Fetishizes About Half-Japanese Girls for Some Reason” on them. And every one of those assholes laughed at me, can you believe it?

Is this all part of Weezer’s plan to get roughly 350 million people worldwide to go to Target and unwittingly pick up what is known as the “Black album” by those with perfectly functional cone cells? Because I hope it’s not the case, and I do believe that they’ll come back to form with their next album.

And maybe it’ll be as good as the one where the four of them are standing on the cover, looking like a bunch of dorks. You know the one.

Criss Angel Able to Freak Minds Again Thanks to Hims

Posted on by Chris Bowen

LAS VEGAS — Professional magician and illusionist Criss Angel recently revealed he no longer suffers from mind-freak dysfunction ever since he started using the popular male-enhancement line of products known as Hims, gullible sources report.

“Ageing sucks. Getting old while being a magic sensation who is expected to go out and freak the minds of hundreds of people each night sucks even worse,” Angel explained while locking himself in a glass box for 40 consecutive days. “But with just seven easy compounded semaglutide injections per day, a couple finasteride minoxidil spurts, and a few sildenafil and tadalafil chewables, I never again have to worry about the embarrassment of my entire body getting flaccid in a straight jacket halfway through my act, or guessing the wrong card ever again! I feel as good as I did when I was starting out doing children’s birthday parties. Thank you, Hims!”

Superfan Rachel Daniels revealed that it feels like Angel has been freaking her mind for the first time again.

“For a while there, Criss would just get so frustrated at himself as he tried something as simple as a routine levitation trick. He would barely even lift off the ground, let alone for any satisfying amount of time,” Daniels said. “He would then spend the remaining 20 minutes of his show sitting at the end of the stage with his head in his hands, sobbing. But now, he can guess every number I’m thinking of until the early morning and I’ll tell you what, I haven’t been mind-freaked this hard since 2007!”

Todd Shulz, a representative from Hims feels fortunate to be behind a product that so often helps struggling illusionists.

“Imagine if Harry Houdini could have used our line of products? Who knows, maybe if he could have had a preliminary consultation, he wouldn’t have died from that fatal appendicitis trick he performed,” Shulz said. “Although some ‘magicians’ apparently like embarrassing their limp-dick selves and will turn down a multi-thousand dollar endorsement deal. Yeah, I’m looking at you, David Blaine. Going with BlueChew, huh? Have fun ever being a real man again while wearing your suit made of bees, loser.”

In related news, magician David Copperfield was able to tour again after beginning his treatment of Cialis.

How to Tell Your Wife You Lost Your Kid’s College Fund On Hawk Tuah Coin

Posted on by Leona Maria Desfleurs

So, you got got. It’s okay, it happens to the best of us, and it’s all part of the game! Rug pulls by dishonest internet celebrities are just one of the risks we have to take to stay on the cutting edge of society. Unfortunately some people, such as your wife, may not see things that way. When she comes at you with unfair accusations like “you ruined my life” and hurtful personal attacks such as “you are the dumbest person to ever walk the earth and I’m embarrassed to be seen around you,” just remember these helpful tips:

First, make sure she understands that you only had the best intentions. Good intentions are famously so valuable you can even pave roads with them! All you wanted to do was give Treighden a little more padding for a comfortable college career. What’s wrong with that?

Now, though you already have a solid argument, this probably won’t work all on its own. Try appealing to her sense of financial logic next. Hawk Tuah is a huge hit, how could the cryptocurrency based on it not have been a moneymaker? She’d have probably done the same thing, if only she’d been paying attention. She has a 401k through her work after all, that’s basically crypto if you think about it.

This segues perfectly into the next tip: ask your wife what she’s been doing to grow the college fund. College is expensive, and your boy deserves the highest quality education money can buy. How could she have expected made-up things like “incremental saving” and “a trust fund” to cut it? Investment has always been where the real money is. Remind her about all the smart investing you did in GameStop, and the Cybertruck you were able to buy because of it. Why didn’t she care enough about your son to seek out her own investment opportunities? For claiming to care so much about his future, she’s really been ignoring the future of currency.

If none of this has worked, which is unlikely, it’s time to bring out old faithful: begging. Hands and knees, full-on sobbing, the whole deal. You know the drill by now. She can’t leave you, you only wanted what’s best for this family. She’s tearing this family apart, all because of one silly little mistake on your part. You’ll make it all back! Your startup is going to take off this year for sure!

With these pointers, you should be able to salvage your marriage at the mere cost of your dignity. And if you can’t, hey, at least you’ve got more than enough Dogecoin to pay for the divorce!

Jay-Z Quietly Pays Luigi Mangione’s Court Fees to Express Gratitude for Dominating Media Attention

Posted on by Bill Conway

NEW YORK — Hip hop mogul Jay-Z discreetly paid off Luigi Mangione’s early court costs as a sign of appreciation to the suspected assassin for drawing all the media attention away from the fact he was being accused of raping a 13-year-old girl alongside Sean “Diddy” Combs, sources confirmed.

“Luigi is my dude. I needed a miracle to get my name out of the headlines and it was delivered to me in the form of an Italian guy who likes McDonald’s and gun violence. I hope one day I get to shake his hand in person to tell him how thankful I am,” said the 55-year-old musician. “I’m willing to pay for all his legal fees and the best lawyers in the world as long as he stays at the top of the news feed. Someone needs to publish his manifesto in full so everyone can discuss that and forget about all this nonsense about me. Or even better, maybe someone else can shoot another healthcare CEO, that would really make headlines. I’m just spitballing here.”

At press time, Jay-Z admitted he also made a sizable donation to the Syrian militants who toppled the Assad regime.

Revised Project 2025 Memo Reveals Only Approved Birth Control “Watching Old Man Tongue Down an Ice Cream Cone”

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — A newly leaked Project 2025 memo revealed a recent revision that would restrict nearly all forms of birth control, with the only approved Godly exception being “watching an old man vigorously tongue down an ice cream cone,” sources confirmed.

“The Bible is explicitly clear about all forms of contraception being a sin, with one notable exception where a senior male member of the community is present while you attempt intercourse. He’ll then proceed to go biblical on an ice cream cone with his dry, swollen tongue, and if after witnessing this creamy tongue lashing you still wish to procreate, you have the Lord’s blessing to create new life,” said Project 2025 architect Russell Vought. “We used to keep a picture of my hero Henry Kissinger tongue-punching a froyo above our marital bed to keep us chaste, but nine kids later, well let’s just say he’s not the only one regularly orchestrating occupations where he’s not wanted.”

Local priest Bernard McCaffrey reportedly supports the near-total birth control ban, and reaffirmed his church’s commitment to the “Ice Cream Cone Exemption.”

“We understand that carnal temptation is a struggle for many young people, but our clergy is always here to help. If you don’t have access to an old man sloppily licking a vanilla ice cream cone while a little bit dribbles down his wrinkled chin, our congregation has numerous volunteers that are happy to provide assistance for your abstinence needs,” said McCaffrey, wiping rocky road from his jowls. “If I can stop just one young couple from engaging in premarital sin by looming over their bed while taking a half-melted drumstick to tongue town, I know I’ll have done my holy duty.”

Religious scholar Clarence Goodwright claimed that elder community members eating messy foods as a form of birth control has precedence in the Bible.

“You ever wonder why Adam and Eve spent all that time in the Garden of Eden and never copulated? There was a third old guy, Maurice, that was always hanging around. Of course ice cream wasn’t around at that time, but the texts would suggest that he’d just lick whipped honey off an apple all day to keep them from fornicating,” said Goodwright, blowing dust off an old parchment. “Turns out Maurice must have been the most legendary tongue merchant this side of Solomon and his 700 wives because he made that apple look too good, and Adam proceeded to take a whole darn bite and doom us for all eternity.”

At press time, Project 2025 released plans that would require a priest licking raspberry jam out of a jar present for any discussion between a woman and their healthcare provider about reproductive health.

Joke’s on Us! We Sat Down With Stryper to Interview Them Ironically and They Ended Up Converting Us to Christianity

Posted on by Steve Packosky

When we came upon the opportunity to interview Michael Sweet of the notorious Christian hair metal band Stryper, we all had a good laugh. Soon “Wouldn’t it be funny if we actually did that” evolved into “Fuck it, I’m responding!” and before we knew it we were all set for and scheduled for a completely ironic one-on-one. We felt cool, we felt above it all, and we were positive that this was going to be hilarious!

Unfortunately, that’s not how it ended up, because Christ works in mysterious ways yo. The interview resulted in us looking inward and making some pretty dope life changes. Check out our journey.

The Hard Times: Hey, Michael! We’re huuuuge fans of your music, so it’s super nice to meet you! How are you?

Michael Sweet: That’s awesome to hear! I’m doing great! How are you guys?

Oh, we’re fantastic! [snickering] Even better since we heard your new album “When We Were Kings.” It’s soooooo metal!

Oh, even after all these years it’s still amazing to hear when people like your music. It’s all I could’ve asked for, so thank you.

Yeah, [stifling laughter], Stryper is right up there with Judas Priest and Celtic Frost as one of the greats of eighties metal. You must hear that allll the time!

Heh, I don’t know about that, but I appreciate it. I’m just trying to spread His word through the language I know best, which is music. You know, I was completely lost before I was saved.

How so?

Oh, I was just wandering, you feel me? I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere. I used to approach everything with a smart-alecky attitude and make a lot of snide comments, but I think I was using humor as a defense mechanism because I was so aimless and angry at myself all the time.

[shifting uncomfortably] Yeah?

It wasn’t until I became Born Again that I realized my true potential and self-worth. I can’t tell you how unbelievable it felt to suddenly know I had a purpose in life.

And just like that, you didn’t feel so lost anymore?

[smiling] Just like that.

Wow, that actually sounds very nice. Too bad that’s not really an option for someone like me, a sinner.

She takes all kinds, friend. Tell you what, I’m heading to church just after this interview. You guys want to join me?

Eh… I don’t know man.

My church loves guests! Plus there are baked goods at the reception hour and the lemon bars are to die for!

Oh fuck, we love lemon bars!

There you have it. Those lemon bars were indeed incredible, but they led to something far sweeter—our eternal salvation. It’s certainly not how we expected the interview to end, but we’ve since been washed in the Blood of the Lamb, so it looks like this website is going to be a little less crass and low-brow going forward. Now we have to go back and rework all of the questions we’d prepared for our upcoming interview with Kevin Sorbo. He’s sort of like their Danzig.