They say you spend one-third of your life sleeping, but if you’re a chronic insomniac like me, you probably spend that third of your life…
This woman’s boyfriend just gave her a dozen long-stemmed red roses for “no reason.” Oh no! She’s probably going to need someone to lean on…
You’re back at your date’s place and if the natural order of things follows, a Baltimore Handshake lies wait in his immediate future. You should’ve…
TUCSON, Ariz. — Local interior designer Sara “Slime” Gonzales gave Maggot House a much-needed makeover after convincing its residents to expand their floor plan by…
HIALEAH, Fla. — A new report from local drunk Emily Kinder indicates that the standards of alcoholism held by her primary care physician are “weak…
Derek and Cristina Bracken’s too-cool-for-school child-rearing practices were so lax that their children were taken away from them and made wards of the state. Bracken’s…
Not to be dramatic, but I would rather listen to a parrot read the Old Farmer’s Almanac from start to finish than hear this woman’s…
When Stephanie McKinley called me an ugly big-nosed freak in 9th grade, I knew I was destined for great things. Who knows where I would…
The right teacher can have a profound impact on children during their adolescence, so we decided to catch up with our favorite eighth-grade English teacher…
PORTSMOUTH, N.H. — Local heterosexual Christine Gonzales was stumped midway through creating an online dating profile after the app asked her if she was interested…
Oh fuck, not again. Dad is motioning for our server to come over. She already remade his Arnold Palmer with “less ice” and agreed to…
The votes are in, and the verdict confirms what we already knew: the best time to switch positions is when your partner is on the…
As a nod to traditional western values, local misogynist John Buswell told his new girlfriend to get her fat ass in the kitchen and make…
MUNCIE, Ind. — A local man’s brush with death after drunkenly falling from a third-story balcony on Tuesday inspired him to quit drinking for the…
NEW YORK — Local woman Francisca Noguera asked her abusive partner of five months if he could extend his grooming habits to include his hygiene,…