Guy Fleeing From Pack of Escaped Gorillas Regrets Wearing Velvet Underground Shirt to Zoo Today

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

SAN DIEGO — A frenzied man was pursued by an entire cage of gorillas after they took too strong a liking to his shirt festooned with the recognizable banana-based cover art of “The Velvet Underground and Nico,” sources also hauling ass confirmed.

“You think you put on a Velvet Underground shirt and you’re not ruffling any feathers, y’know? But, I guess feathers isn’t the thing I’m worried about, it’s fur…and the skin of my own hide if I don’t run fast enough,” said Rupert Comers, while rounding a corner at a full sprint. “I’ll tell you something else, this particular Sunday morning isn’t like the ‘Sunday Morning’ on the album at all. Ol’ Lou forgot to put some lyrics in about running for your damn life to get away from the pack of hungry zoo animals who think you’re a giant piece of fruit. Buddy, it’s not the ‘world’ behind me, it’s potentially rabid gorillas! Oh, but he got the ‘restless feeling’ part dead on, I can confirm.”

Original Velvet Underground drummer Moe Tucker confirmed that the band had a long and tumultuous history when it came to primate aggression.

“A lot of writers over the years have used ‘primal’ to describe our sound, but it more described our merch table, what with all the apes and chimpanzees from surrounding exotic animal compounds who would flock to it,” said Tucker, whose sunglasses did nothing to hide the fear in her eyes. “It was probably why so few people initially bought our first album…because they didn’t want to get bitten by the orangutan trying to eat it. That old saying is true: every person that did buy that album went on to get attacked by a gorilla themselves. Uh, at least I think that’s how the saying goes. I’ll be honest, we hid it well, but we actually did an awful lot of drugs over the years.”

Noted primatologist Dr. Jane Goodall expounded on her experience with the Velvet Underground’s music during her time in Gombe.

“It took my 30 years of research to confirm it, but it’s true: primates love bananas. And some will do unspeakable things in order to get one. So, when I lived among the chimpanzees, we had to be sure to only listen to ‘White Light/White Heat’ or ‘Loaded.’ The self-titled, good as an album as it is, was out of the question for exactly those reasons,” said Goodall, flanked by her formidable record collection that no one knew she even had. “Oh, but we’d never listen to ‘Squeeze’…fuck that one, of course. I’m not committing that kind of animal abuse.”

At press time, matters were made even worse when Comers finally removed the shirt, revealing an entirely unhelpful tattoo of “a bunch of bamboo shoots with ants on them” on his back.

Band That Switches Instruments Accidentally All End Up on Same Bass After Wrong Turn

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

SPARKS, Nev. — Members of longtime garage-punk outfit The Gargantuans, known for switching instruments between songs, ruined a show by all landing on the same bass at the same time, a gawking gaggle of looky-loos confirmed.

“I guess we all must have looked at the setlist wrong, because once our opening song ended, we all took a wrong turn and ended up behind the bass. Now we’re in a big mangled mess under the same strap. It’s like, what’s the point of even going over the hand turn-signals at practice if we’re not going to use them in a potential collision like this?” asked Gargantuans member Trig Lippley while continually shoving another member’s elbow out of his mouth. “Hell, everyone laughed at me when I voted for us all to wear horns attached to our clothes to honk in case of emergencies like this one, but I’m looking pretty smart now. Plus, I’ve always believed that a good handful of our songs could use a good ‘ah-ooh-gah’ every now and then, anyhow. It’d be a win-win!”

Onlookers in the crowd couldn’t help but rubberneck towards the accident.

“It was actually pretty inspiring to see them all eventually come to terms with their mistake, and put aside their egos to make the situation work as a cohesive unit. One guy handled the frets, another plucked the strings,” mused newly minted Gargantuans fan Hedy Freidl. “And, as if by magic, the other two respectively took over the dazed look of a perpetually lost dullard and valid feeling of extreme imposter syndrome that every full-time bassist needs. They all knew their stuff, and used it to Frankenstein together the ultra-bassist.”

The venue traffic cop, Sargent Murray Hankland, decided to resign after failing to arrive at the scene in a timely manner.

“I’ve been the stage traffic official here at the Loving Cup for twelve years, and I can’t believe I was so asleep at the wheel, so to speak, for this infraction. This is the type of thing we venue traffic cops, which I feel I must mention is an actual job at all music venues, have nightmares about,” griped Hankland while handing in his gun and badge to an overwhelmingly confused bartender. “If only I hadn’t been too busy busting that tall guy in the audience for their illegal merge in front of a 4′ 11″ woman in the crowd, I could have prevented this whole thing. Well, I guess it’s back to the actual highway for me. ”

At press time, the mishap culminated in all four Gargantuans members reaching down to sip from the same beer and clonking their heads together with a humorous coconut-like sound.

Photo by Magna Vita. 

The Next Stephen King? I Got Really High and Don’t Remember Writing This Shit

Posted on by Sidney Conant

Stephen King’s legacy as a horror visionary is as far-reaching as it is undeniable, but it should be fair to say that he, like all of us, harbors a bag of bones in the closet. There was a time in his career when his addictions got the better of him and he ended up creating works that he can’t recall putting to paper. Is it possible that there exists a dumber, yet equally attractive author out there ready to dethrone the King? I got zonked out of my gourd last week and typed up my own book, but I don’t remember writing a word of this nonsense.

I honestly don’t know how it happened. One minute my lard-ass was sitting in front of a bag of frozen tater tots that I figured I could just warm up in my mouth, and cradling a martini made with some uppers and stuff that I scored off a buddy of mine. The next minute I was lying face-down in front of the printer, splayed out like I’d been hit by a minivan on the shoulder of Route 5, gradually becoming buried under a sea of paper and ink that I sure as hell am way too unemployed to replenish.

I somehow wrote a horror story when I was high on that green mile, typing away at the cool ranch Doritos-stained Bluetooth keyboard connected to my phone. And honestly? Reading what came out of the labyrinthian hedge maze of my mind terrified me, but, you know, in like a manly way. Not because it was scary or anything, but because it’s frightening just how much it fucking sucks.

Seriously, this thing is an incomprehensible mess of names and timelines, and even though it’s over 1,000 pages long, the ending still feels rushed. Also, tell me the truth: how many characters would you say are allowed to be writers in one story? Because I’m counting 17, and even though nine of them are women, they’re written only to be sex objects–and not even hot ones.

I could only make it to the part where I introduced the villain 50 pages in before I had to give up entirely. Honestly, a cobbler whose shoes compel people to walk onto active railways? Please. No one’ll be quaking in their boots over that.

I wish I could tuck this all away into a mental lockbox, but unfortunately, that’s impossible. Apparently, I already posted this garbage to Reddit, and people are obsessed with it; I keep getting DMs asking me things like, “What’s the deal with the 17-author cage match?” or, “SEQUEL WHEN?!”

Shit, I guess we’ll never know now, because I’m sober for good.

Kamala Harris Leans Into Cool Aunt Image by Promising Junior Staffers Can Drink Beers in White House Basement

Posted on by Trevor Graham

WASHINGTON — Presumptive Democratic nominee Kamala Harris attempted to boost her perception as a “cool aunt” by announcing that if elected she will let junior staff members drink beers in the basement of the White House, sources who like to party confirmed.

“I realize there is a perception with some young voters that since I was a prosecuting attorney I’m very strict, but if elected this November you’ll see I’m not a typical president, I’m like a cool government official who lets their junior staff members drink Bud Light Lime in the basement of the White House,” said Harris while recording a TikTok dance. “Look, junior staffers are going to drink, I get it. But if they drink here at least I know where they are and that they’re not out getting invited to Matt Gaetz’s office.”

While current staff members appreciate the idea, many claim that it was not really necessary to hide their drinking around President Biden.

“Yeah, at first we would sneak a few brews in an empty office or even just behind his back but as time went on he didn’t even seem to notice when we would pound one down right in front of him,” explained current staffer Kyle Durban. “It became a game to see who could get the most shitfaced in front of him. One time Brayden dared me to get Biden his morning coffee while we funneled a sixer standing right in front of him and all he said was ‘You boys seem thirsty. Why don’t you go down to the soda pop shop and get yourself a malted’ then he threw a nickel at us.”

Republican strategist James Lockland says Harris making this announcement is a desperate attempt to make her seem cooler than Trump.

“Kamala is flailing in the polls and has no real policy agenda so she is attempting to win young voters just by being the younger and cooler candidate. She wants us to think she will let her junior staff members drink in the White House while they’re working but with Trump those staffers won’t even need to do any work,” said Lockland. “As with his first term, nothing will really get done in the White House and junior staff members won’t have much to do other than cleaning ketchup stains from the Oval Office carpet and changing out the air fresheners.”

At press time, Harris had made an announcement that she just ordered an air hockey table and “one of those arcade machines that plays ‘Galaga’ and ‘Ms. Pac Man.’”

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Panicking About Our Costco Membership Hustle

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week, another slew of new music you couldn’t be bothered to seek out on your own. We get it, with tens upon tens of songs being released each week, it can feel overwhelming to decide which ones deserve your attention. Not to worry. We’ve taken on the herculean task of hand picking a selection of new songs to kickstart your appetite. Eat up and don’t come back for seconds until you’ve finished your plate.

Marcloid & Woods Law Group ‘Peter & Angel like the music they made for you to listen to, & hope you do too’

Marcloid & Woods Law Group – the project of Angel Marcloid of Fire Toolz, and our very own Peter Woods – is here to settle the case of you not listening to nearly enough noise music. The judge is unlikely to rule in your case given the severity of your crime, but there’s still time for you to change your ways. While we can’t predict the final verdict, we can still sentence you to at least five spins of the head cleansing sonic barrage that is the duo’s debut ‘…Loves Itself.’

Destroy Boys ft. Mannequin Pussy & Scowl ‘You Hear Yes’

Someone’s apparently been going through our notebook labeled ‘TOP SECRET SUPERGROUP IDEAS: DON’T READ’ because Destroy Boys has teamed up with Mannequin Pussy & Scowl to unleash the rager ‘You Hear Yes.’ As if this track wasn’t exciting enough on its own merit, Destroy Boys have also released their fourth album ‘Funeral Soundtrack #4’ in its entirety. Don’t say we never helped you with your weekend plans.

Bright Eyes ‘Rainbow Pass ft. Alex Orange Drink’

Conor Oberst is clearly back in his folk-punk bag with the latest Bright Eyes single ‘Rainbow Pass.’ Featuring Alex Orange Drink from the So So Glos, the track leans a bit fuzzier than we’ve been used to hearing from Oberst as of late. In fact, it’s only a distorted vocal and a few BPMs away from a Desaparacidos, which translates to ‘sick as fuck.’ Here’s hoping the band committed to the bit when the new album drops next month.

Adrianne Lenker ‘Once A Bunch’

Earlier this year, Big Thief’s Adrianne Lenker released her devastatingly amazing solo venture ‘Bright Future.’ As if we needed a reminder of how prolific Lenker is, she has dropped a new B-Side from that record ‘Once A Bunch.’ It’s a woozy dose of Americana that wouldn’t sound out of place at a drunken campfire. History shows this isn’t the only gem left on the cutting room floor, so we won’t be surprised if she suddenly drops, like, four more albums next month.

Cursive ‘Imposturing’

Very soon, Cursive will be dropping what seems to be an excellent new entry into their discography, ‘Devourer.’ On the latest single for said album, ‘Imposturing,’ lead singer Tim Kasher invites you to imagine a world in which your deepest fears and anxieties manifest themselves into some sort of monster. This shouldn’t be hard to do considering your very public breakdown at karaoke last week, but at least you have a new song to sing now.

Motion City Soundtrack ‘Stop Talking’

Crack open an NA beer and plan on staying up until 10 PM tonight because Motion City Soundtrack is back, baybeeeeee! The band has released their first song in nearly a decade, and they haven’t skipped a beat. ‘Stop Talking’ delivers the pristine power-pop long-time fans have come to know and love from the quintet and if you thought age might have tamed frontman Justin Pierre’s penchant for neurotic and vulnerable lyricism, think again.

What? Six songs aren’t enough? Of course not, you greedy bastard. We figured you might be the ungrateful type, so we’ve put these and a whole bunch of other songs in a convenient and constantly updated playlist for you. Click here to listen and dazzle your friends with your newfound relevancy.

10 Amazon Finds That Won’t Replace The Polly Pocket Airplane You Wanted As A Child, But Might Numb The Pain For A While

Posted on by Violet Meeker

I want to preface this by letting you know it actively pains me to address the topic of the original Polly Pocket Airplane. It was sleek, posh, and if I could circle it in a magazine at this very moment I would. To be honest, I could dwell on the subject for pages – but that’s not fun and/or punk, and I think someone at some point said that listicles do better than other formats because our attention span is so short. I’ve also heard that Amazon will soon own the world, so might as well lean into the end right? I’m already walking around with a hole the size of a doll’s plane in my heart.

1. Starting things off strong: This slightly too wide Cillian Murphy pillow. Versatile, sexy, eerie – the three musts for anything that goes on my couch. Now that I’m an adult, nobody can tell me what I can and can’t have. Besides, it’s not even that expensive. My parents made it seem like buying the Polly Pocket airplane was going to put us in a hole we may never get out of. Which, in retrospect, it being 2008 there was probably a lot of truth to that.

2. What’s better than real shrimp? Fake shrimp, because you can trick people with it. You know what can’t trick me? A knockoff Polly Pocket airplane. You can’t imitate a perfect design. My parents tried getting me a cheaper “Peggy Pantleg” Playset, but it a piece of crap and I think the plastic made me sick.

3. Who doesn’t need an all seeing lemon? Name me one person who doesn’t need an all seeing lemon and a Polly Pocket airplane? If American lawmakers actually served the people they would make it a law that every child should get a Polly Pocket airplane, it’s what this country needs.

4. Like all dolls in the 2000s, Polly Pockets had a very specific scent. I haven’t smelled this, but I have the feeling a blueberry muffin fabric deodorizer is the perfect match to knock me out of despair and back into a sweet (?) nostalgia.

5. If you’re reading this article I can confidently say you chewed on Polly Pocket shoes. I know this about you, don’t even try to deny it. The below product is the closest thing I could find, but I’ll be honest – they don’t look nearly as soft, chewy, or carcinogenic.

6. If you submitted to the truth of the last product, then I think I can confidently say you are a current chain smoker. The pipeline is real! Get some storage for those cartons you make your cousins from Georgia send you! You already are bereft of the one thing you want, so keep your vice fresh.

7. I don’t think this needs any explanation. Just set it up in a prominent place in your apartment and watch all your friends turn green with envy, but don’t tell them where you got it or else they will buy their own.

8. I know I’ve built up some tension from the jealousy I had towards my childhood BFF who did have the Polly Pocket airplane. So, I wanted to throw in a little something that might ease the tension – One of these torture machines to stretch your neck off your head. This also might by an auto erotic asphyxiation device in disguise.

9. Oh, you’ve read this far? Seek help. I’ve personally read the whole entire first page at least seven times and can’t keep going. But it sits on my desk reminding me that I will never find peace in this frantic world.

10. Don’t get too excited. In fact, chill out. This is similar, but it’s not the original. I know it says the “Polly Pocket Store” but although some products may seem consistent, the entire line actually shuttered in 2012 after their huge boom died down. Then, 11 years later, Mattel re-released a Polly Pocket line with some minor but significant alterations in the look of the doll and its accessories. Small edits to the body and face, making her look a little more like a Bratz Doll, as well as making the airplane white with pink trim instead of the classic orange with pink trim. Why these changes to an already perfectly built machine? I don’t know. Why would I know that? I’m a full grown woman-person who has a normal relationship to her childhood.

Liberal Puzzled Why 8 Years of Saying Trump Has Small Hands Didn’t Stop Fascist Takeover

Posted on by Tim Graham

TIVERTON, R.I. — Local dental hygienist Barbara McCall is bewildered why her years-long campaign of criticizing Donald Trump on Facebook for his comically tiny hands has had little apparent effect in stopping the rise of fascism in the US, according to sources from her book club.

“I don’t get it,” said McCall as she placed a new ‘Lock Him Up’ bumper sticker on her Yaris. “Since 2016 I’ve regularly posted really barbed jabs aimed at Trump’s appearance, as well as those picture-with-words thingies showing him looking like a clown or with a Hitler mustache. But it seems like my efforts haven’t done much to slow his rise to power. I’ve slung some real zingers, too, like Mango Mussolini, Orange Julius Caesar and Tannibal Lecter. Nothing seems to work!”

McCall’s daughter Jane says her mom’s incessant attempts at Trump jokes have taken a toll on her own mental health.

“I practically die of embarrassment every time my mom posts some cliched insult or low-effort Boomer meme about Trump,” said the younger McCall while peeking at Facebook between her fingers. “I can’t delete Facebook—it breaks my mom’s heart if I don’t ‘like’ every one of her posts. So, I hold my nose and do it. I’ve suggested ways she and her friends could have an actual impact, from joining me at a pro-Palestine rally to helping register new voters, but they all have excuses why they can’t do anything more than share played-out Trump jokes from their phones.”

Dwayne Cochrane, a comedian who specializes in roasts, has some advice for suburban liberals who attempt insult-humor.

“An effective insult needs to be based on a kernel of truth,” said Cochrane. “You can say Trump has small hands, but his hands are actually pretty normal in size. You’ve got to base your jokes on reality, but take care not to resort to low-hanging fruit. Don’t make fun of his fucked up hair or spray tan—that’s been done to death. Instead, focus on how he wants to have sex with his own daughter, or how his wife hates him, or lean into his rapidly deteriorating cognitive ability. If you insist on body-shaming, go ahead and work with that big ol’ dumper of his. There’s plenty of real shit to make fun of.”

At press time, McCall had begun posting AI-generated images of Kamala Harris in heroic poses, a development described by her daughter as not an improvement, but a “lateral move.”

Help! I Misread the Brat Girl Summer Trend and Now I’ve Got a Bunch of Hot Dog Costumes I Can’t Return

Posted on by Laura Lewis

Summer 2024 was supposed to be my summer. I’d worked hard all year, and by June, I finally had enough money to buy an all-new wardrobe. I opened TikTok for inspiration and there it was: brat summer.

A quick scroll gave me all the information I needed. Finally, a trend that combined my folksy sense of humor and my Midwest heritage—all while flattering my extremely long torso. Bratwurst summer was my ticket to fun on a bun.

4 costume shops and $3,000 later, I was the incontestable queen of brat summer.

It wasn’t until after I burned all my regular summer clothes in a trashcan in my backyard that I realized my mistake. Turns out brat summer has nothing to do with bratwurst, or hotdogs, or even glizzies. You know what else I found out? Costume shops in LA have way stricter return policies than names like Enzo’s Costumes Gag Gifts and Rubber Entrails Emporium would suggest.

So now, like a 7-11 rotisserie dog, I am just trying to roll with it. It’s not going well.

At work, I tried to make it seem like I was in on the joke. You know, “I’m going ham on the phones today,” and, “I’m not sure where that report is—don’t grill me on it.” That type of thing. But my jokes fell flat. And I can’t even take off the removable Velcro buns apparatus (I paid extra for that) because it’s so goddamn cold in the office.

On the weekends, I tried to play it up as a fun bit I was doing. I thought it would help me stand out in the dating scene, at least, but all my talk of raw doggin got me kicked out of the bar.

I even squeezed a pair of those little Charli XCX sunglasses over the head hole, but nothing helped. I alienated everyone within a foot long radius, everywhere I went.

Only at the minor league baseball stadium did I start to feel comfortable enough to be my glistening self. But that didn’t last long either. Before the third inning, I got chased off by the officially licensed hotdog mascot for Nathan’s.

All this to say, I no longer wish to be an Oscar Meyer wiener. The universe has taken one too many bites of me. Send help.

Feuding Drum Circles Put Differences Aside to Form One Big Unemployment Line

Posted on by Courtney Hill

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Two rival drum circles were forced to reconcile their differences and form one civilized unemployment line, sources willing to get close enough to the crunchy collectives reported.

“It all started when the two drum circles accidentally switched rainsticks in the chaos of, ironically, a sudden afternoon rain storm,” city parks monitor Joe Schultz explained while pulling a car battery out of a recycling bin. “Instead of admitting the honest mix-up they accused one another of stealing each other’s gear and since then it’s been a constant back-and-forth. One day they’ll be arguing over who has the right to circle up around the magic stump, the next someone will have put a curse on a didgeridoo and the cycle just continues. Of course, come 9 a.m. on the 15th of the month you can hear the bongos and timbales hit the ground as everyone walks across the street to file for unemployment. Then it’s right back to bitter rivals.”

Lead djembe player for one of the circles Dalton Higsby Chesterworth III, who prefers to go simply by Dust, wanted to set the record straight.

“The trouble with the rainsticks- which we did not start- is hardly the core of the dispute,” Chesterworth explained while untangling a pair of airline earbuds from his thinning blond dreadlocks. “Truth is, our percussion ensemble is the chosen voice of Mother Gaia. It is through our instruments that her message of peace and unity is amplified across all humanity. So when these poser clownbag hacks come rollin’ up to our sacred space to exploit our vibe stash with their rag-tag circle, we have to make them feel as unwelcome as possible in order to restore cosmic harmony. Lining up for unemployment is purely a necessary courtesy since I’ve renounced my parents’ fortune in pursuit of this ascetic path. Meanwhile I strongly doubt those other freeloaders’ right to a handout is any more authentic than their drumming.”

Meryl Koss, state benefit officer for Santa Cruz county, wasn’t the least bit surprised by the behavior of the feuding circles.

“Collecting government assistance has always been the great unifier of this country,” Koss explained with a reassuring sigh. “From clashing protesters to tense paramilitary standoffs, no cause is ever so righteous it’s worth jeopardizing the flow of dole. Beyond that, lots of relationships actually start in the unemployment line. Half of the folks from one of those drum circles are involved with someone from the other. It’s like an office romance for people without a job.”

At press time, the fueding drum circles once again set aside their differences to form one big line at a nearby water foundation to stave off dehydration.

Fossil Fuel Industry Blames Global Environmental Crisis on Denver Man Who Doesn’t Recycle

Posted on by Tim Graham

DENVER — A multinational non-renewable energy corporation is attempting to pin all of Earth’s environmental problems on an individual from Colorado, according to sources who are just glad it’s not them to blame.

“The oil, coal and natural gas industries are doing everything they can to mitigate the effects of their products on the environment,” said spokesperson Alexis Stevens while tenderly cleaning oil from a baby duck. “But all of our efforts won’t make a bit of difference if consumers don’t do their part. Our research shows that the majority of the world’s current environmental issues are due to one Stewart Dubois of Denver, Colorado. Mr. Dubois has repeatedly demonstrated his disregard for the welfare of the planet by consistently putting the wrong items in recycling bins, as well as by owning a grossly inefficient vehicle. For shame, Mr. Dubois, for shame.”

Dubois was taken aback by the accusation, but said he will attempt to lessen his impact on the planet.

“Gee whiz, I had no idea I was causing such a problem,” said Dubois. “I do try to recycle, but between work, taking care of my kids and volunteering at the food pantry I admit I’ve let it fall by the wayside. As far as my gas-guzzler: I promise I’ll sell my ‘65 Charger, as much as I love it. It really does have bad gas mileage. I only drive it a few times a year to the local car show and had no idea it was producing enough pollution to cause a global catastrophe! I appreciate the oil and gas people pointing out my failures, and I promise to do better.”

Environmental activists have pushed back against the oil industry’s attempts to pass the buck.

“This is just another cynical attempt by corporations to blame consumers for problems they’ve caused,” said The Sierra Club’s Greg Lambert. “Only five percent of plastic that is intended to be recycled actually is, while the rest is thrown away. It’s all performative nonsense meant to shame the public into thinking it’s their fault the Earth is going to shit. This is similar to when a desperate Bear Stearns tried to blame the 2008 financial crisis on a Missouri man who was a few days late on his mortgage payment.”

At press time, Dubois had promised to ride his bicycle 49 hours to an upcoming conference in Omaha in an effort to lessen his carbon footprint.