Democrat Reflexively Replies “Stop” to Text From Friend Asking for Five Bucks

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LA CROSSE, Wis. — Local Democrat Kevin Forrester automatically responded “STOP” to a friend’s genuine request for financial help after months of conditioning, sources report.

“I feel bad, but I don’t see how I can be blamed for that,” Forrester said before instinctively texting “STOP” to a text regarding medical bills. “We’re coming off a crushing presidential election loss that may very well be the death knell of our democracy, and I’m still getting texts from Democrats asking for me to pitch in money. I live in a swing state. Last election season was just an onslaught of text messages every day. I tolerated it then because I knew how important defeating Trump was, but we lost. They’re still sending me text messages asking for money to do things like save NPR and support Democrats in special elections. As soon as I saw the text with ‘need just $5,’ I responded without even thinking.”

Forrester’s friend Chet Hafron was hurt by his actions.

“I’m not happy that I need to rely on my friends’ help, but I’m going through a tough time right now,” Hafron lamented. “I lost my manufacturing job as a direct result of Trump’s tariffs, and I just needed a couple bucks for gas so I could get to a job interview. Luckily, I sent out a few text messages, so I was able to fill up and get there, but Kevin’s response really brought me down. He and I have been friends since we were in kindergarten. I understand that he has to respond like that to several texts a day, but he should have taken the time to see the text was from me.”

Political scientist Sally Lodolla reacted to the situation.

“This is just another example of how the modern political climate is tearing people apart from one another,” Lodolla offered. “We’ve had Fox News, Facebook and Twitter pitting Americans against each other for years now, but I’m now starting to see the same thing happen with Democratic phone banking. Especially after such a gutting loss as last November, Democrats are wary of text messages asking for money, and it’s making them far less likely to help loved ones who sometimes need help. It’s extremely upsetting to see, so I guess we can look forward to not having elections anymore in a couple years.”

At press time, Forrester reflexively marked a message from his mother as Junk after she texted to tell him about her new phone number.

Trump Calls for Reparations for Families Who “Lost Their Workers” on Juneteenth

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump marked Juneteenth, the federal holiday created in 2021 commemorating the end of slavery in the United States, with a call for reparations to descendants of families who “lost their workers.”

“Juneteenth, what even is that anyway? It’s not a real number, I know all the numbers. I can count higher than most of the math science guys. People at NASA come to me when they need someone to count really high. Sleepy Joe Biden doesn’t know how to count, and he just made up this day out of nowhere. Now all the big beautiful banks around the country are closed because he hates the economy so much,” said Trump. “Unfortunately, this holiday, and I use that term lightly, marks a time when everyday southern families who worked hard to build our 50 USA states, and we still might add Canada, lost all their workers. These people created jobs, they made America great, and a new addition to my Big Beautiful Bill will pay them reparations for all the workers they lost.”

Jasper Klay, a descendant of the owners of the largest “farm” in Texas from 1820 to exactly June 19, 1865, expressed appreciation for the president’s new stance on reparations.

“My family provided food and shelter for our workers at no extra charge. We took on that burden only for someone from the government to come along and kick all the workers out from under us. That trickled down through the generations, keeping us in poverty. We should be paid back, and it should be the aggressive northern Blue states that foot the bill,” Klay said from his home in an affluent suburb of Houston. “By the way, many of my family’s descendants are mixed white and Black—we’re not sure exactly how that happened—so to oppose Trump’s idea is actually racist. Besides, all my Black friends wonder why Juneteenth is even a holiday, since it was the Yankees who were pro-slavery anyway.”

Professor Amara Green, chair of the history department at the University of Texas at Austin, did not share Klay’s enthusiasm.

“What the hell is the president even talking about?” Green said. “The human beings working under chattel slavery had no say in what happened to their lives, their bodies, or their families. The slave operators—I refuse to call them owners, since no one can own another person—profited off of that misery. Making Juneteenth a federal holiday isn’t even the bare minimum to get started undoing the legacy of slavery. Reparations for white descendants of slave operators is basically endorsing the Confederacy, which by definition never wanted to Make America Great anyway.”

As of press time, Trump is personally offering a reparation of 10 percent discounts on purchases of $TRUMP cryptocurrency to “those proud, patriotic descendants who were treated so horribly.”

Kristi Noem Shoots DHS Watchdog in the Face

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem revealed that she shot a department watchdog in the face simply because she didn’t like them, Congressional aides have confirmed.

“I hated that Office for Civil Rights and Civil Liberties watchdog. I tried getting him to hunt down Hispanic people to ship off to El Salvador, but all he ever did was bitch at me about violating due process, so I took him with me to the Mexican border and I shot him. Sometimes workforce reduction is messy and ugly, get over it,” said Noem. “I hoped making him work alongside MAGA coworkers would help him calm down over me ignoring SCOTUS court orders but he clearly was untrainable, so I had to put two slugs in his head. Growing up, this is just how we took care of independent investigators who wouldn’t fall in line with the President’s agenda.”

Morale among the other OCRLC investigators was at an all time low after their coworker’s fate.

“I can’t believe she shot Hopper! All he did was recommend not using taxpayer money to buy ICE outfits for performative photo shoots, and the next day he’s face down in a gravel pit at the border. Sure, he had a big personality but when you’re in the business of ensuring human rights aren’t being violated you need to call out your superiors for not doing their jobs correctly,” said Jack Hendrickson. “She walks around our building with a hunting rifle over her shoulder, and if we complain about rounding up green card holders or forget to compliment her latest plastic surgery, she’ll ‘habeas corpus us into early retirement’ as she puts it.”

Delegates at the United Nations held an emergency meeting to discuss protecting vulnerable watchdogs.

“We have seen the crackdowns against watchdogs in declining republics across the world, and we encourage these governments to either comply with oversight agencies or relinquish their investigators to our ‘no kill’ facility where they can receive the care they need,” said French UN ambassador Jean Liville. “We know it’s hard for autocracies to coexist with people who only want to prevent their countries from sliding into fascist hellscapes, so we ask those leaders to let us rehome their watchdogs to countries that still value integrity and practice democracy.”

As of press time, Secretary Noem told the panel she wouldn’t shoot watchdogs going forward, opting to humanely euthanize them via gas chamber instead.

5 Other Scenes in “Point Break” That Would Be Better With a Beat-Down of Anthony Kiedis

Posted on by Henrik Persson

Perhaps overshadowed by “Terminator 2” at the time, “Point Break” is nevertheless regarded as a 1990s action classic, and the first big hit by Oscar-winning director Kathryn Bigelow. But for all its strengths, “Point Break” is sorely lacking in one of the most important departments of any high-octane surfer dude action movie: scenes featuring Red Hot Chili Peppers’ frontman Anthony Kiedis getting beat up.

Sure, it had some, arguably more than most movies of the era, and that’s what makes “Point Break” stand the test of time. Unfortunately, Bigelow’s less-is-more approach to Keidis’s violence buried its importance, and by the time other filmmakers realized that seeing the RHCP frontman beaten to a pulp was the secret sauce that made this film endure, the insufferable actor had aged out of shit-kicked-out-of roles.

These are our top scenes that, while exciting, were ultimately missed opportunities at normalizing Keidis-violence in film:

1. Surfer Nazi fist fight

Yes, “Point Break” does feature one scene where Anthony Kiedis gets the shit kicked out of him. And yes, this is the single best thing about the film. As the nazi surfer gang square up on agent Johnny Utah, Bodhi steps in to turn the tide. All the Nazis then have their butts kicked, including the one played by Kiedis. While it’s always rewarding to see the world’s most annoying vocalist being brutally manhandled, we can’t help but feel it would have been even better with a few more minutes of Kiedis kicking.

2. Nazi HQ raid

Later in the film, as Johnny Utah starts to think the nazi surfers are the infamous ex-presidents bank robbers, he sets up a raid of their headquarters. Several of the nazi surfers are either killed or wounded in this great scene, and Anthony Kiedis’ character hilariously takes a gunshot to the foot. But why isn’t Kiedis shot in the other foot too? Or at least dragged outside and pummeled by the backup crew? Frankly, when you set up a potentially lethal lawn mower and don’t wind up shoving Anthony Kiedis into it head-first, you’ve made a dramaturgical error.

3. Night surf / love on the beach

In this scene, the undercover Utah makes love to Tyler on the beach, and they fall asleep in each other’s arms. Right here, as Johnny and Tyler kiss by the fire, things would have gone from great to god-tier if Bodhi and the rest of the gang had featured in the background, as black silhouettes, kicking the shit out of Anthony Kiedis, playfully imitating his vocals from “Blood Sugar Sex Magic” all the while.

4. Recounting Bodhi’s day

As Johnny Utah (spoiler alert) starts to suspect Bodhi of the robberies, he follows him around for a day. At some point here, it would have been nice to see at least a brief beatdown of Anthony Kiedis. Frankly, it would have added a compelling intrigue if Utah were to witness Bodhi beating Kiedis during his daily rounds and say to himself, “Maybe I was wrong, maybe Bodhi isn’t the bad guy, maybe he’s just a really solid dude.”

5. One last wave

As the film draws to a close, Johnny Utah finds Bodhi in stormy Australia. A fight ensues, and Utah eventually manages to handcuff himself to Bodhi. As local police arrive, Bodhi realizes the game’s up and asks Utah for one last favor: to let him go out into the stormy waters and (presumably) die on his own terms. Utah obliges, and Bodhi disappears into the sea. Here, as the film ends, is a missed opportunity. Instead of rolling the credits against a black background as usual, why not roll them over B-roll Johnny Utah rag dolling Anthony Kiedis? Or maybe a series of outtakes and bloopers from the film, all featuring Anthony Kiedis being slapped around, kicked, and beaten by the rest of the cast?

We can only speculate as to what impact increased Kiedis violence in “Point Break” would have had on ‘90s cinema, but one thing is for sure — it would NOT have been a waste of time.

Private University Brochure Touts Diversity of Nearby Prison

Posted on by Matt Husser

ITHACA, N.Y. — Elite private institution Bournestown University released a new campus brochure today touting the diversity of the college’s nearby prison, sources confirmed.

“Here at Bournestown University, we’re proud to foster a diverse local community comprising many different ethnicities, socioeconomic backgrounds, and religions that our elite student body can safely observe at a healthy distance from Rockmore Federal Penitentiary,” said University Dean Herbert Kensington, showing off the campus brochure. “In fact, graduates from our school of criminal justice have gone on to send many of these prisoners to Rockmore, including a twenty-year bid our custodian Jorge’s nephew is serving—and it’s that familial, small town vibe that truly makes our beautiful campus such a special place to earn an education.”

Bournestown alumni Philip Newberry hoped the new brochure might help entice his son to attend his alma mater.

“Look at all these colorful ethnic characters on the brochure, Bradley! You know some of my fondest memories during college were meeting interesting exchange students from all over the world, and then hazing them mercilessly,” said Newberry, examining the brochure. “Maybe you shouldn’t haze the guys on the pamphlet though, all these students look jacked—they must have used all my donation money to build a new weight room. Oh and look, they added a culinary program! Wait, is that pizza made out of ramen and Slim Jims?”

Rockmore inmate Jack “Slim” Carson recalled the bizarre academic photoshoots that happen each year.

“Hey man, anything that gets me out of my cell for a couple hours is fine by me, but it is weird that they make us wear these college sweaters before taking pictures of us pretending to study and playing badminton and shit,” said Slim, sitting in a chair while a makeup artist covers his face tattoos. “They could at least let us keep the books, but they’re trying to charge $300 for a used ‘Intro to Economics’ textbook. Ah fuck, here comes some more students from the Anthropology program trying to observe us in our ‘natural habitat’ for their dissertation.”

Dean Kensington later announced a new student-prisoner exchange program for anyone staging pro-Palestine protests on Bournestown campus grounds.

Supreme Court to Add “No Worries If Not!” at End of All Rulings Trump Might Disagree With

Posted on by Lauren Grimaldi

WASHINGTON — The United States Supreme Court reportedly began adding “no worries if not” at the end of all rulings President Donald Trump could potentially disagree with, confirmed sources who occasionally even added “we love you, big guy!” as well.

“I remember the days when Donald respected me as a human,” said Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. “Those few weeks during my confirmation hearing in 2018 were some of the best of my life. I’ll do anything to be his special boy again, even if it means allowing him to ignore our decisions, circumvent the Constitution, and break the rule of law. After all, whoever said keeping an eye on all of that was my job, anyway? I’m not here to ruffle any presidential feathers. Jurisprudence is kind of boring anyway.”

Attorney General Pam Bondi didn’t believe that strategy would be effective.

“We’re not concerned with whatever the Supreme Court wants to say,” said Bondi. “They’re glorified blog writers at best, just trying to be woke on the DEI internet, and the president is not beholden to them or anyone else. Unless, of course, they want to ban same sex marriage. Then we’re all ears, and I’ll instruct the president to shout out J-Rob, Bretty Boy, and that girl Amy on Truth Social for their incredible leadership.”

Ginni Thomas is reportedly less concerned with the ongoing constitutional crisis and more so looking for ways in which she and her husband, Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, could get something out of it.

“I think we could get a free plane ride or two when they aren’t using aircrafts to deport migrants,” said Thomas. “Seems kind of like a good deal. Clarence better put in a nice note about Trump’s hair or say he’s a good golfer next time he writes an opinion. And while he’s at it, Clarence should ask the president how he got that deal with Qatar. I wouldn’t mind having a fake jet in our backyard if we could swing it. Hopefully, that ‘no worries if not’ tactic will soften the president’s image of the court so we can get free shit.”

At press time, Trump announced plans to rebrand the Supreme Court as Trump Court, to which Chief Justice John Roberts didn’t seem to have an issue with, if it meant they’d be in the president’s good graces.

Five Mercyful Fate Songs You Need To Listen to Now That You’ve Accidentally Touched the Crucifix on the Wall of Your Grandmother’s Living Room

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Ew, gross! You just got off your grandmother’s couch while you were visiting her and you accidentally brushed against the crucifix on her wall! You even touched the actual Jesus part of it. Ugh! Oh God, does Christianity spread through touch, like the flu? You’d better play it safe and listen to these five Mercyful Fate songs to reverse whatever damage has just been done. And we’re going to err on the side of caution here by sticking to their self-titled EP and first two albums. They put out some killer stuff post-reunion, but you need to listen to their most evil songs so you can get back on Satan’s good side. Here we go:

1. The Oath

This one is absolutely essential. With lyrics solely dedicated to praising the Dark One and denying that dude on the cross you just accidentally touched (we still can’t believe you did that), this one is sure to wash away the residual stink of goodness and purity it left on you. Make sure you headbang and play air guitar to it, because God hates that!

2. Into the Coven

This one made the PMRC’s “Filthy Fifteen,” so it’s got to be a good choice in abjuring the god that those dipshits worshiped. It also opens with a catchy little medieval acoustic ditty that probably fooled a lot of Boomers when their kids would listen to it in the eighties, which we totally appreciate. Hail Satan!

3. Devil Eyes

Hell yes, a song about taking an angel through the gates of hell. What more could Lucifer ask for? Well, he probably expected you to steer clear of that fucking cross while your grandmother rambled on about the drama in her retirement community, but nobody’s perfect. Turn up the volume so he knows how sorry you are.

4. Black Funeral

No! Get those righteous, wholesome thoughts out of your head! We were hoping the Christianity wouldn’t take, but you need Mercyful Fate now more than ever! Sing along to these blasphemous lyrics! Sing towards the heavens to let them know you reject their Lord and Savior!

5. Come to the Sabbath

OK, it seems like you’re in the clear. Better give this song a listen, though, just to be sure. It’s about a Black Mass being held in a graveyard, so it should ensure you’re back on the left-hand path. That was a close one! Are you all better now?

Emotionally Withdrawn Pit Refuses to Open Up

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

ST. LOUIS — An emotionally withdrawn mosh pit refused to open up despite the raw power of Swedish death metal band Amon Amarth’s performance at the Hollywood Casino Amphitheatre beckoning all to embrace feral ecstasy with reckless abandon, confirmed sources.

“It’s just like, I feel like I don’t have the emotional capacity to begin a two-step right now,” a nervous concertgoer offered. “I keep feeling all this pressure to lock in and open up this fucking thing up, but I’m afraid I’d rather spend time alone at this show and avoid spin-kicking. I wasn’t raised to open up pits like this. My dad always taught me to bottle up these feelings and urges to start up a wall of death on the fly. I feel lost and confused and scared. It’s affecting my relationships both with my partner and pits in general.”

Johan Hegg, lead singer of Amon Amarth, was quick to offer support.

“You know, in spite of the fact that all of our songs are about splitting skulls, destroying the enemies of Asgard, and unbelievable violence, we in Amon Amarth both have been and remain dedicated to fostering a safe, nurturing, and loving environment to have our attendee’s limbs and torsos bash into each other like wrenches in a blender,” Hegg tearfully concluded. “If our music is failing to communicate this effectively somehow, then we’re steadfastly committed to creating a space where any and all in the pit will feel free to open this fucking thing up.”

Sociologist Ulla Thorsdottir had some thoughts about the paradoxical nature of this withdrawn pit.

“Many people in their youth do not receive the kind of nurturing that allows one the intrinsic response to feel like the expression of their authentic nature will be well-received in a mosh pit,” said Thorsdottir. “Indeed, many feel like such emotions can and will be punished. It is up to not only the individual, but the entirety of the community, and the pit, to make sure that we help each other break these cycles so we can realize our most truthful selves, especially when it comes to tasty, sweaty mosh pits.”

As of this report, Amon Amarth was seen leading the pit through a series of mindfulness exercises, knowing full well that while still withdrawn, perfection is the enemy of good.

Every Trump Phone To Come Preloaded With Epstein Contact List

Posted on by Tim Sheard

NEW YORK — President Donald Trump’s sons Eric and Don Jr. announced a new Trump Mobile cellular phone service that will feature a new phone called the T1, which will be priced at $499 and come preloaded with the full Epstein contact list, excited sources confirm.

“This phone will have it all. The ability to not only send, but also receive text messages. All on the only 5G network that won’t activate the microchip the Biden administration implanted in you with the COVID-19 vaccine,” said Eric Trump. “But we wanted this phone to be special. Something that makes it stand out above all the other cell phones on the market. So we are going to ship every phone with a contact list populated by everyone named in the Epstein files. You have direct access to the inner circle, you can text my dad to tell him how great a job he’s doing. Or you could text the Clintons and harass them for eating children. You have the power.”

Gary Delucca, a Trump supporter from Florida, was one of the first people to preorder the new phone.

“As a proud graduate of Trump University I know the Trump name carries a lot of weight. When potential employers find out I have a degree in business from Trump U they can’t help but laugh because they know they have a true genius applying to work for them,” said Delucca. “I basically lived off of Trump Steaks until my doctor told me all my organs were failing and I needed to stop eating the meat Trump shipped me. I didn’t listen, ended up in a coma, and when I woke up they were out of business. I honestly wish someone had pulled the plug on me, because I didn’t want to live in a world without Trump Steaks, but this phone makes me optimistic again. And I’ll finally be able to text Bruce Willis and tell him ‘Die Hard’ was actually based on my life.”

President Trump believes this will be the best mobile phone ever made.

“Verizon, AT&T, T-Mobile, they are all cell phone service providers for Anitfa and the radical left lunatics that want to abort every beautiful American baby, and those babies are beautiful folks. And this phone will be made here in America, the best country in the world,” said Trump. “It’s going to create so many jobs it will make your head spin. People are already coming up to me and saying ‘I quit my job as the CEO of business because I wanted to do my part and make these phones in the USA.’ A lot of these people don’t even want to be paid, and we won’t pay them, so we can pass those savings on to every person who can prove they voted for me.”

Eric and Donald Trump Jr. also announced that the T1 phone will ship with Tiffany Trump’s number pre-blocked.

Punk Prodigy Pukes Onstage During Preschool Recital

Posted on by Casey Smith

JAMESTOWN, N.Y. — Local punk prodigy Marriott Dubois puked onstage during his preschool recital, solidifying his arrival in the local scene, confirmed sources who were jealous of his gift.

“The janitor just dumped sawdust on my puke, so open up the pit before an exorcist tries to shut us down,” growled Marriott as he was being cleaned up backstage, stinking of fresh barf, little kid body odor, and faint traces of tire fire. “People have been calling me the Bobby Fischer of punk, and it might have something to do with how much Hawaiian Punch and chunks of Chef Boyardee were seen in my vomit. Sounds like the last person to have this talent so young was GG Allin. If I ever figure out how to shit onstage I’ll be unstoppable.”

Marriott’s music teacher Ms. Hampton is likely the least surprised out of every parent in the auditorium.

“By alienating, captivating, and repulsing the audience at St. Mary’s Roman Catholic Church of Christ, his performance will be legendary at any hole-in-the-wall bar with $3 Pabst Blue Ribbons well into his drinking age, if he lives that long,” Hampton whispered through a wince. “He was the only one who took off his shirt and wrapped microphone cable around his fist as if he was brandishing a weapon during tryouts. This is a Catholic preschool, not a syringe cleaning center. However, I’m not ‘lying for Jesus’ when I say he has raw energy and there’s huge, figurative, pre-pubescent balls on that warrior for the lord.”

Local punk historian Crudup is well aware of Marriott’s lore and actually met him before this legendary performance.

“I met him in this underpass. Usually it’s invite-only when it comes to my home, but he didn’t care. He was like ‘who moved my Lego shit?’ as if I already knew who he was,” confessed Crudup, author of several gems of knowledge scrawled on bathroom stalls. “He’s evolving quickly. Most punks his age are experimenting with mohawks in the bathtub, whereas Marriott can estimate how much Elmer’s Glue is needed to raise a mohawk at any hair length. It’s impressive at his age.”

At press time, Dubois was already looking to start a band despite having little to no interest in actually learning how to play an instrument.