Former President Biden Excited to Start New Chapter of Destroying Homes in Palestine as a Private Citizen

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WILMINGTON, Del. — Former President Joe Biden announced he is embarking on a new project designed to destroy the homes of innocent people living in Palestine, then illegally rebuilding structures for Israeli settlers, sources confirmed.

“Listen Jack, I wasn’t able to finish the job in Palestine, and that knowledge would haunt me until my dying days. I know I have more in the tank,” said Biden while pretending to shadow box and getting extremely winded. “That’s why today I’m starting Habitat for Israeli Settlers which will focus on seizing land in the West Bank, destroying the homes that are already standing, and rebuilding beautiful structures for Zionists. I’m inspired by my predecessor Jimmy Carter, he did so much for the American people, and now it’s my turn to give back to the people of Israel. They are sort of like Americans, they sure do get a lot of our tax money.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was excited about Biden’s new endeavor.

“Joe has always been a great friend to Israel. He has already promised he will bring as many privately owned bombs as he can. We are trying our best to find workarounds for this unfortunate ceasefire and if we have a former American President here then we can bomb anyone we want and say it’s for security purposes,” said Netanyahu. “It will be a great success for Biden and Israel if he is able to deliver on this beachfront property. I hope to have a home there myself someday.”

Palestinian activists immediately criticized the former president.

“We thought we were a bit safe if a Democrat was in power, but it turns out Democrats and Republicans have the same blood lust,” said Ilham Mathhar while picking through the rubble of a school she once taught at. “The only solace I take is that Mr. Biden is so old and weak I’m not sure he could swing a hammer. I’m also not sure he could hold a hammer with all the blood he has on his hands.”

At press time, Biden was seen posing with a variety of bulldozers his new organization plans to donate to Israel.

People Elon Musk Pays to Be His Friends Ask For Raise Before Agreeing to Defend Nazi Salute

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — The collection of white dorks that make up Elon Musk’s entourage asked for a significant raise if they are expected to publicly defend their boss from criticism following Musk’s Nazi salute at a Trump inauguration event, multiple sources confirmed.

“I’m Elon’s short ‘friend,’ he keeps me around to make himself look taller in photos. A typical day for me is waking up and liking everything Elon posted on X. Then I practice laughing in the mirror so that when we hang out I’m warmed up to laugh at everything he says and make it sound convincing,” said Eddie Menscomb, who has been on Musk’s payroll for six years. “But it’s been tough these past few months. When he jumped around on stage in Pennsylvania, I had to go on X and talk about how cool he looked and how he had a ripped six-pack. It felt dirt then, now after the Nazi salute I’m going to need a lot more money if he wants me to speak up for him. I’ve already talked with Elon’s fat friend, bald friend, and the friend with eyeballs just a little too far apart and we’ve all agreed to stick together until our demands are met. My only concern is how much leverage we have since so many people online are willing to defend him for free.”

Musk was quick to dismiss the blatant symbol of hatred he proudly did on stage, twice, as left-wing smear tactics.

“It’s so tired that everyone calls me a Nazi just because I made the exact same gesture Nazis did back when they were in power. I feel bad for these people because they just don’t get my sense of humor, if they were on my intellectual level they would see how obvious and based of a joke that was,” said Musk while taking a break from Trump events to hire someone to beat a video game for him. “The real Nazis are the people who are calling me a Nazi. I see them on X every day talking about how billionaires should be killed. It’s sad, sometimes when I’m in my spaceship I feel like a modern day Anne Frank.”

Political scientist Amelia Green does not expect this controversy to have any lasting effects on Musk.

“I’m not sure how much more clearly I can say this, but we live in Hell. The world’s richest man made an obvious overture to Nazis and mainstream media outlets are calling it ‘an awkward hand gesture’ and debating what it could have meant. The Anti-Defamation League should be sounding the alarm, but instead they seem to laugh it off and tell everyone to keep a cool head,” said Green. “I’m not even sure how we fight back at this point. We need more Luigis, that’s our only hope.”

At press time, Musk was seen trying out new facial hair in the mirror and claiming it was inspired by Michael Jordan in those Hanes commercials.

Black Metal Fan Delighted to Find This Year’s Farmers’ Almanac Predicts a Long, Cold Winter

Posted on by Chris Bowen

BEDFORD, N.Y. — Local black metal fan Dennis “Bjorn” Rubenstein celebrated the news of the Farmer’s Almanac forecasting a particularly harsh winter this year, several spiked gauntlet-wearing sources report.

“When my grandpa bestowed the knowledge unto me that the unholy doctrine of the Farmers’ Almanac has prophesied a long, grueling winter ahead of us, it brought great pleasure,” Rubenstein explained. “I will spend many upcoming winter nights dwelling in my kingdom cold, which also happens to be my parent’s getaway cabin in the Catskills, writing and recording for my one-man depressive suicidal black metal project MisanGoat. Come to think of it, hopefully mom and dad remember to call the electric company to turn the lights back on before I get there. Or maybe the lack of electricity is just what I need.”

Rubenstein’s grandfather recalls the jubilant reaction of the news he broke to his grandson casually in passing.

“I’m wondering if those spiked armband things he always wears are cutting off the blood flow to his brain,” Albert Rubenstein stated. “He’s never cared about farming or crops or cows or anything like that. I only told him about what I read in the almanac because I wanted him to put down those plastic battleaxes for his Instagram photos, and get his shoveling arms ready! He kept going on about a ‘Harvest Blood Wolf Moon’ that comes every 80 years or something. I don’t know, he’s a good kid, plus I never have to worry about him hounding me to borrow my car because he never leaves the house.”

According to some experts, the forecasts told in the Farmer’s Almanac have played an important role in the genre’s subculture.

“True black metal has always been anti-Bible, and very pro-Farmer’s Almanac,” scene veteran and expert Peter Andersson explained. “The contrast between a book of lies like the Bible and a tome that grants the power of predicting the harsh weather conditions in which we in the black metal scene feed on is vast. That’s why it is so popular amongst grease-painted black metal warriors across the United States. ‘Sons of Northern Darkness’ by the band Immortal was actually a full album response to the 2002 winter prediction, and that’s their best album!”

At press time, Rubenstein became excited after learning the almanac also predicts a hefty sweet corn crop this year, despite not quite knowing what to with that information.

How I Stopped My Addictive Cigarette Habit by Spending 18 Hours a Day on Instagram

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

I don’t know why everyone always complains about how hard it is to quit smoking, I did it the first time no problem. All I had to do was spend every waking hour, minute, and second, staring at Instagram. Look at me now, I’m no longer bound by the chains of smoking, and am free to scroll until the end of time. Like a cigarette that doesn’t go out.

My lungs have never felt so strong, and my sense of taste and smell hasn’t been this good since I was a kid. Sure my neck always hurts from looking down, and my entire hand is one giant cramp, also my back always hurts because I don’t stand up anymore, but at least I don’t stink like cigarettes.

I’ve gained a few pounds since I stopped smoking, which is understandable. Cigarettes are an appetite suppressant, and plus I have to constantly eat junk food to fill the void in my oral fixation caused by stopping smoking. But hey: three bags of Doritos, six packs of Kit Kats, and gallons of Dr. Pepper a day is a lot better than smoking a few cigarettes.

My friends complain that they never see me anymore since I quit, but I send them dozens of memes on Instagram every hour so they should shut up. Besides, I’m too tired to go see them since I’ve replaced sleep with an endless supply of Reels tailored to my exact tastes. When you spend as much time on Instagram as I do, the algorithm really dials it and satisfies me much more than smoking does. Or my friends, for that matter.

Speaking of satisfying needs, ever scroll for an hour after sex? Not only can you stay in bed, but you don’t have to talk to the other person either. A lot of times they’re gone before you know it, which leaves me more time to feed the algorithm.

Rather than smoking while I drive like I used to, I simply crack the window and pull up Instagram while driving to and from work. It barely distracts me, and I’ve only gotten in three or four accidents since I quit last month.

So if you want to quit smoking but haven’t had success with replacements like gum, vaping, or the patch (if it even still exists), just do what I did: dedicate your life to the infinite dopamine loop known as Instagram.

Disturbed Reveal “Down with the Sickness” Also a Simon and Garfunkel Cover

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CHICAGO — Nu-Metal band Disturbed revealed their 2000 hit “Down with the Sickness” was also a Simon and Garfunkel cover much like their 2015 hit “The Sound of Silence,” surprised sources reported.

“Yeah, not very many people know that a good 75% of our songs are just covers of old folk songs,” frontman David Draiman provided. “True fans of Simon and Garfunkel will recognize ‘Down with the Sickness’ from a rare collection of B-sides that they released in the late sixties as part of the ‘Bookends’ sessions, but I can understand how the casual listener may not have heard the original version. Being a native of New York City, I of course grew up on Simon and Garfunkel, and consider them one of my biggest influences. Obviously, Disturbed makes their songs better when we decide to cover them, so it makes total sense that our versions completely overshadow theirs.”

Fan Audrey Enapay was taken aback at the revelation from one of her favorite bands.

“I couldn’t believe that ‘Down with the Sickness’ was also a Simon and Garfunkel cover,” Enapay admitted. “I just listened to the original for the first time, though, and it totally tracks. I was really shocked to hear Paul Simon randomly start ranting about his mother in the middle of the song, too, especially because I’ve never heard him swear like that. The song is incredibly sonorous and touching, and Art Garfunkel’s voice sounds so beautiful when he hits the ‘oh wahh ahh ahh ahh’ at the beginning. I’m surprised so few people have heard this track. Disturbed really did the world a favor by bringing such a work of art into the mainstream.”

Singer Art Garfunkel reflected on Disturbed’s rendition of his work.

“I was initially flattered with all these covers, but I really wish Disturbed would write some of their own songs,” Garfunkel said. “I don’t think their style really lends itself to our music that well, but they’ve been insisting on covering us routinely since they formed back in the early 2000s. I discovered that I’d really had enough when I first heard their cover of ‘The Sound of Silence,’ and I hope you can understand why. I don’t think I’ve ever cringed so hard in my life. I haven’t been able to listen to the original since, which is a shame because that’s one of our most popular songs. They must be stopped before they get their hands on the ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’ album.”

At press time, Fred Durst had revealed that “Break Stuff” was also a George Michael cover.

Nazi Saluting Elon Musk Sees Spike in Approval Rating Amongst School Shooters

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — Elon Musk’s double Nazi salute during today’s inauguration parade led to a tidal wave of approval amongst the nation’s potential school shooters, online forums indicated.

“It’s been hard dealing with being called an ‘unfuckable incel loser’ by my peers, even after I’ve used their class photos for target practice. But seeing Elon today celebrating the swearing-in of our Daddy in Chief with not one but two Nazi salutes just validated the entire existence for those of us who are just one manifesto away from spraying the school cafeteria with bullets,” said Jeff Wilder from his mother’s basement. “Everyone in the forum I run about final solutions for the woke mind virus agree as well. I know we have to put in some work telling the libs online it was a ‘Roman salute,’ but we all know what’s really going on. Tomorrow at school when I wear my swastika armband and a 9mm tucked into my pants, everyone better know it’s our time now.”

As of press time, Wilder accidentally shot and killed himself after attempting to perfectly mimic Musk’s Sieg Heil with a loaded handgun. Nobody is expected to attend the funeral.

Voldemort Found Hiding Under Melania’s Hat

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

WASHINGTON — Famed Harry Potter villain Lord Voldemort was spotted at Donald Trump’s Presidential Inauguration, hiding under First Lady Melania Trump’s hat, multiple sources confirmed.

“It was horrifying to witness a wet, wrinkly face peeking out from behind Melania’s head, and it’s something I won’t soon forget,” said BBC Journalist Terry Clarins. “I felt something was off the minute Trump started his speech. Melania was staring daggers at the back of his head, which I first assumed was due to fake tanner dripping onto his collar. But then she started hissing some sort of snake-like language under her breath and her eyes flickered red. It felt almost like she was cursing him, or like she was controlling his every move. I followed her backstage when no one was watching, where I saw her remove her hat and reveal this misshapen, humanoid growth pulsating at the back of her head. It was so grotesque I fear I may never have a solid night’s rest again. I could hear her talking with it—they were discussing murdering this teenage boy and taking over some school with dark magic. I could only hear every other word, but I definitely heard them say, ‘There are only two pronouns,’ and, ‘Build a wall.’ Also, I have no idea what it means, but there was a mention of a ‘Horcrux’ inside J.D. Vance? Didn’t sound great!”

At press time, the First Lady denied all claims of “assisting the Dark Lord with his bidding,” while donning a large Pharell hat to accommodate what she said was “just a really bad headache.”

Every Cradle of Filth Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

Some might say Cradle of Filth has too many albums. In fact, we’d say that. So here we go: Cradle of Filth has too many albums. Seriously. We’re fans, but there’s like 3 or 4 in here that we completely forgot existed. And prior to making this list, several albums here had gotten maybe, MAYBE, one full listen. The thing is, their good stuff is great. They have like 7 really solid albums. This is pretty incredible considering how many bands can barely put out one. Something that the band is both praised and hated for is their willingness to embrace the whole camp of it all. And in that, they can come off really cheesy, which works. It can make some of their harder to swallow stuff actually much more digestible. But let us not pretend it’s something it’s not: it’s cheese. And as we all know, some cheese is better than others.

Also, let’s be real: they were never trve kvlt black metal. They’re theater kids from Shropshirefordbagginsworthmouthfordport or wherever in England. So the whole “their early stuff is the only REAL metal they made” nonsense doesn’t work. And just a reminder, we only rank full-length OG albums and they have like a billion EPs, live albums, compilations, and re-rereleases, so there’s a good chance your favorite release isn’t on the list. Alas.

13. Thornograpy (2006)

“Thornography” was one of the band’s more obvious attempts at breaking into the mainstream. Unfortunately what makes it so obvious is that it sucks. No shade for trying to sell out. We’d do it if anyone was buying. Healthcare is expensive, and capitalism is a death cult. We all gotta pay bills. But if you’re gonna sell out and pander, please make it better than this album. It’s not like it’s terrible or anything. Honestly, none of their albums are unlistenable. But when you have 40-something releases out, you gotta give us a reason to care about specific albums. And with this one, we don’t.

Play it again: “I Am the Thorn”
Skip it: “Temptation”

12. Darkly, Darkly Venus Aversa (2010)

More like “Boring, Boring Venus Aversa.” This album sounds like a generic CoF album, and not in a particularly good (or bad?) way. It’s got some songs. It has some spooky sounds. Dani Filth screeches a bunch. It’s fine. But there is literally nobody on earth who has this listed as their favorite album of all time. Literally nobody. Also, the Tim Burton/Hot Topic album art isn’t helping.

Play it again: “The Cult of Venus Aversa”
Skip it: “Forgive Me Father (I Have Sinned)” is just bad

11. Cryptoriana – The Seductiveness of Decay (2017)

Cradle of Filth seemingly has two types of album covers: A.) Fucking sick! Or B.) I’m embarrassed to own this. So while supposedly “Cryptoriana – The Seductiveness of Decay” is probably an ok album, it is solidly in the B category, because we couldn’t get past the cover. It’s bad. Sure the art is competently done, but so was “Young Sheldon.” So no, we didn’t listen to this album. At all. The only reason it’s not last is because it seems to be a popular one of the modern era. But we’re not getting past the cover. Seriously, everything about this cover feels like the band is watching you change without your consent. And I don’t know about you, but here at Hard Times Incorporated, we won’t watch you change without your consent.

Play it again: Couldn’t tell you
Skip it: agreed

10. The Manticore and Other Horrors (2012)

Kinda forgot this one existed. Lots of people like it, but the production feels off and Dani’s vocals are even less appealing than usual. Like most of the albums on this half of the list, there’s just nothing pulling us in besides name recognition. That said, because we’re not nerds, we had never heard the word “manticore” prior to this album coming out. But the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a manticore as “a legendary animal with the head of a man, the body of a lion, and the tail of a dragon or scorpion” and honestly that’s pretty dope.

Play it again: “The Abhorrent”
Skip it: “Frost on Her Pillow”

9. Godspeed on the Devil’s Thunder (2008)

This album is overall pretty meh. It’s pretty rare that we come back to this one at all. In fact it would be lower on this list if not for one song title that cracks our shit up, every. damn. time. “Shat out of Hell” will never not be funny. If you’re not laughing, then you’re not picturing Meat Loaf bellowing “SHAT OUT OF HELL I’LL BE GONE WHEN THE MORNING COMES!” Incredible. Otherwise the album is whatevs. And it definitely loses points for having a track called “Tragic Kingdom” despite it not being a No Doubt cover. Bogus.

Play it again: “Shat out of Hell”
Skip it: “Tragic Kingdom”

8. Nymphetimine (2004)

This album came out in between “Damnation and a Day” and “Thornography,” and it sounds like it. There are epic moments and some actual bangers, but overall it feels like the band is stretched a little thin. It almost feels like they threw everything they had at “Damnation and a Day” and then when it didn’t do well they kinda just slapped a bunch of leftover “Damnation” riffs together and tried to make things a little more palatable for the mainstream. This album teeters right on the edge of being good and bad, depending on our mood.

Play it again: “Nemesis”
Skip it: “Nymphetimine Fix”

7. The Principle of Evil Made Flesh (1994)

Starting with this album, everything from now on is a “good” CoF album. This one is kind of like the classic film “Nosferatu.” Not the new remake. The old-ass one. It’s classic and honestly pretty great. But are you gonna watch it more than once a year? Nah. That’s this album. It’s miles better than some of their more recent and boring stuff, but it still feels like nostalgia for nostalgia’s sake.

Play it again: “The Forest Whispers My Name”
Skip it: “One Final Graven Kiss”

6. Existence is Futile (2021)

From the jump, great title. And for being their newest release, “Existence is Futile” is pretty solid. It’s kinda like the AFC Bournemouth of CoF albums. It’s never gonna be number one. It’s just not gonna happen. But it’s not even close to being in last place. And honestly, when it comes down to it, this album goes pretty hard. The cover art is… trying. It’s trying its best. It’s like almost scary? The problem is unless you’re looking at it close up, it kinda looks like a giant ant in a chair. Which I guess is cool. Ants are actually pretty neat.

Play it again: “Unleash the Hellion”
Skip it: “Discourse Between a Man and His Soul”

5. Hammer of the Witches (2015)

First off, the album title rules. Easily their most metal-sounding album title. For a band that puts out a lot of cutesy, winky, spooky album titles, this one is just so sick. On top of it, this album rips. Out of all the “modern era” CoF albums, this one is easily the most re-listenable. It blends the riffs and the orchestral/keyboard shit in a way that harkens back to the heyday of the band. And speaking of riffs: they got some riffs. We can’t exactly put our finger on why the riffs riff so hard on this album, compared to their other newer stuff, but they do. They riff. Hard. Hard Riffs. The hardest. Of riff. So hard, those riffs. Hard riffs, riffing hard. I’m having a stroke.

Play it again: “Yours Immortally…”
Skip it: “Blooding the Hounds of Hell”

4. Dusk… and Her Embrace (1996)

We know. It should be number one or whatever. We never get album rankings right. Do we even listen to CoF? Etc etc etc. Look, It’s a good album and there are some all-time tracks on here, but it’s just not as good as the other ones on this list. If “The Principle of Evil Made Flesh” was “Nosferatu” then this album is Coppola’s Dracula with Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder. It’s kinda corny, but it’s also super awesome. And you’re pretty much never not in the mood for it. It’s a solid reminder of where the band came from. And thankfully the albums ranked higher prove that the promise of this album wasn’t a fluke. Plus the last minute of the title track absolutely rips.

Play it again: “Funeral in Carpathia,” and “Dusk and Her Embrace”
Skip it: We can get down with some of their intros, but “Humana Inspired to Nightmare” is a bridge too far for us.

3. Cruelty and the Beast (1998)

This album should be number one. But the drum production is embarrassingly bad. It makes Lars’ “St. Anger” drum sound seem ahead of its time and punchy. Speaking of Metallica, the drum production on this album feels like a prank on the level of the bass on “…And Justice for All.” Like the band were intentionally being dicks, thinking it was funny, and now the album sucks. The drums on this album sound like Nick Barker played on a cardboard box. Which is wild, considering he is EASILY a top 5 metal drummer of all time. He’s rumored to have quit the band over what they did to his drums, and we don’t blame him. They recently remastered “Cruelty and the Beast,” and so obviously it sounds better now. But at Hard Times, it’s OG or go home. And the OG version of the drums on this album suck a butt. In a bad way.

Play it again: “Cruelty Brought Thee Orchids”
Skip it: “Portrait of a Dead Countess” is entirely unneeded.

2. Damnation and a Day (2003)

Here’s the thing: People hate this album, and it doesn’t make sense. This album fucking shreds. It’s over-the-top, out of control and pompous. It’s genuinely everything we love about Cradle of Filth. Is it too long? Yeah, but literally every single one of their albums is. That’s like saying you don’t like this album because Dani Filth makes a screechy sound. This album has the riffs, it has the moody vibes, it has a concept. But most importantly it has a budget. DaaD is the band’s one and only major label album, and they milked that shit for everything it’s worth. Some bands sound better when they’re recorded on a phone behind a dive bar. Cradle of Filth sounds best with the 101-piece Budapest Film Orchestra. It’s their longest album and it’s their most epic album. And were it not for how good number 1 is, it’d be the pinnacle of what this band does.

Play it again: “Presents from the Poison-Hearted,” “Hurt and Virtue,” and “The Promise of Fever”
Skip it: “Babylon A.D. (So Glad for the Madness)

1. Midian (2000)

If you’re a fan, you already know. This is it. This is the most “Cradle of Filth” Cradle of Filth album. It’s gothic and scary but also so corny in the best way. They take it so seriously and yet the whole album feels like a giant wink. But then the riffs are so killer this whole album is a paradox. It’s a heavy, heavy album that also heavily features the harpsichord setting on the Casio. Why does it work so well? Who knows. But it does, and its their best. HARD TIMES HAVE SPOKEN!

Play it again: yes.
Skip it: don’t

Stephen Miller Unwinds After Long Day by Rewatching the Horse Death Scene From “The NeverEnding Story”

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller capped off his day by rewatching the death of horse Artax in beloved 1984 children’s fantasy film “The NeverEnding Story,” appalled sources confirmed.

“Spending my day fighting to enact policies requiring mass deportation and family separation of migrants is exhausting,” Miller said as he reclined in his loveseat and giggled at the sobs of character Atreyu. “It feels great to come home every night and watch Atreyu struggle futilely to pull his beloved horse out of the muck as he succumbs to the crippling depression pervading the Swamps of Sadness. I’m not even a big fan of the movie as a whole; I just like this and the scene depicting children bullying the character whose mother just died. There’s just something about the gut-wrenching despair enveloping Atreyu that makes me feel so warm and content.”

Wife Katie Miller reacted to her husband’s behavior.

“Look, I love misery and suffering as much as the next God-fearing American,” Miller confided as she watched her husband squeal delightedly and clap his hands before restarting the scene. “I just think he should branch out and watch something different every now and then. I work in the Department of Government Efficiency, which I know is a complete joke. Nevertheless, I’d still like to be able to relax and watch something else at the end of the day, but Stephen is always watching that stupid horse die. As much as I enjoy seeing my husband revel in a child’s anguish, it’d be nice to be able to play an episode of ‘Yellowjackets.’”

Psychologist Chike Adeoye weighed in on the situation.

“Malevolent government leaders love to revisit upsetting scenes from childhood movies in their downtime,” Adeoye offered. “I see this all the time in my case studies. Whether it’s Vladimir Putin rewatching the old lady die in the beginning of ‘Up’ or Ronald Reagan having Charlotte’s death scene in ‘Charlotte’s Web’ played on repeat during White House holiday parties, the psychopaths running the world all have a specific taste for childhood trauma. Dick Cheney had a 65-inch TV set up in the US Naval Observatory just so he could watch the funeral scene from ‘My Girl,’ so Stephen Miller’s proclivities are certainly nothing new.”

At press time, Miller was beginning his nightly bedtime routine by rereading the end of “Where the Red Fern Grows.”

Real-Life Cinderella: This Woman’s Dealing With a Rodent Infestation and Her Family Hates Her

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

Take note, Charles Perrault! And would someone PLEASE shove the hemorrhaging corpse of Grace Kelly out of the driver’s seat?? Because there’s a new, real-life Cinderella in town, and she’s a 36-year-old unemployed Missouri woman with a severe rodent infestation.

“My name is Dolores Twarp, I got rats and my stepmom is a bitch, what of it?”

We had the chance to speak with Dolores one enchanted evening outside a Kirkwood methadone clinic, where she regaled us with stories from her uniquely fairy-tale life.

“I moved in with my stepmom and stepsisters a few weeks back. But they’re always on my case about how I never do my chores and I need to stop free-bleeding on the ivory beige carpet. I’m also friends with a couple dwarves and one of em’ is pretty angry and the other is fucking stupid. But yeah, Cinderella works, I guess. Can I have a cigarette?”

And just like Cinderella, Dolores has a pretty hazardous rodent infestation.

“Oh shit yeah, the rats definitely do my bidding, but I don’t got much use for fancy gowns and elegant balls, so instead I make my rats grab me a Lunchable from the fridge, or if I sell some of my used panties online I’ll let them box ‘em up and take ‘em down to the post office. Sometimes it works, and then sometimes I find my old boy shorts serving as the load-bearing wall of a rat’s nest. But it’s the price of unpaid rodent deliveries.”

Unfortunately, Dolores does not have a fairy godmother and must deal with her evil stepmother on her own.

“Yeah, I’ll admit it, I’m the one who gave everyone in the house sucking lice. But I only did it because I thought they would eradicate the Rat Lungworm infestation. And no, actually I don’t know how everyone in the house caught Rat Lungworm. Why does everyone blame the lady with the loose rodents scrounging in her bed? Maybe my mom picked it up at the rotary club. You can’t prove she didn’t.”

But like every true princess, at the end of the day, Dolores simply wants true love.

“I’m just looking for a Prince Charming who won’t require me to wear a dental dam. So if you know anybody, tell ‘em to hurry up because this pumpkin’s already starting to rot.”

Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, indeed!