BANGLADESH — Representatives overseeing child employees of the most successful garment factory in the country reported the illegal laborers can’t keep up with the production…
Every Metallica Album Ranked
Metallica have cemented themselves as one of the greatest heavy metal bands of all time, despite their best efforts to undermine that standing with some…
LOS ANGELES — Megadeth frontman, and only remaining founding member, Dave Mustaine was shocked to discover he was kicked out of his own band by…
Last Limewire User Enters Apartment to Find Lars Ulrich Sitting with Silenced Pistol
EUGENE, Ore. — Rory Spears, the last remaining user of the file-sharing platform Limewire, was shocked to enter his apartment and find Metallica drummer and…
SAN RAFAEL, Calif. — Metallica lead guitarist and wah pedal enthusiast Kirk Hammett couldn’t remember if he is supposed to go to James Hetfield’s mansion…
The Next Kirk Hammett? I Also Work With Two Egomaniacs and a Temp
Holy shit am I the next Kirk Hammett? No, I can’t shred on the guitar and my hair is less “rock God” and more “birds…
When This Child Was Bullied for His Homemade Metallica Shirt, the Band Came to His School With a Cease-and-Desist Letter
Local eighth-grader Warren Glumm never anticipated his hand-stenciled Metallica shirt to bring him any attention, let alone result in the band visiting his middle school…
Opinion: James Hetfield Is a Total Pretentious Asshole Who Sues Anyone Who Breaks Into His House
Never meet your heroes. Everyone seems to have a story about an awful encounter with a celebrity, but I have always given a person of…
Metallica Merch Booth World’s 32nd Largest Economy
LOS ANGELES — Metallica’s live concert and online merch booth is now the world’s 32nd largest economy by GDP following another year of unprecedented growth,…
You’ve Never Really Experienced Metallica Until You’ve Seen Them Live, From 5,000 Feet Away, in the Upper Deck, Behind the Stage, Next to the Men’s Bathroom
I’m sorry, you don’t like Metallica? I don’t think I understand that statement. You just never got into them? What does that even mean? Have…
RIP Lars Ulrich: We Really Didn’t Know You Had a Peanut Allergy, and That’s Our Bad
Wow. Shit just keeps getting worse. Last night, at an undisclosed hospital, Lars Ulrich passed away at the age of 55, and that’s totally our…
Metallica Adopts Hologram Technology to Replace Perfectly Healthy Lars Ulrich
LOS ANGELES — Lars Ulrich, the founding drummer of Metallica, will be replaced by a hologram on all future live dates despite a clean bill…
Metallica Sues 8th Grader Over Hand-Drawn Logo on Notebook
CHIPPEWA FALLS, Wis. – A team of high-powered attorneys representing the interests of seminal metal act Metallica filed the necessary paperwork late last week to…