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You’ve Never Really Experienced Metallica Until You’ve Seen Them Live, From 5,000 Feet Away, in the Upper Deck, Behind the Stage, Next to the Men’s Bathroom

I’m sorry, you don’t like Metallica? I don’t think I understand that statement. You just never got into them? What does that even mean? Have you ever seen them live? NO?! Well, there’s your problem. You can’t really grasp Metallica until you’ve seen them in a packed arena sitting so far away you have to watch them on a screen while you sit in spilled beer amid the smell of ditch-weed and piss.

Even live albums can’t do the experience of having vape smoke blown in your face while some shirtless sweaty stranger puts his arm around you and screams the lyrics to “Enter Sandman” into your ear. That … That is how you experience Metallica. It’s the best $600 you’ll ever spend.

There is no better way to feel James Hetfield’s shredding than via an obstructed-view seat behind the speakers with a laser light blasting your retina every 15 seconds. And you’ve never heard “For Whom The Bell Tolls” until you’ve heard it waiting in line for the bathroom as a couple screams at one another in the concessions line.

Man, I almost forgot about seeing a surprise rendition of “Welcome Home” while everyone in front of you blocks your view with their cellphones, you just can’t get that with your home stereo. And what about the two hour wait to get out of the parking lot? It’s all part of the experience.

Related: The Untold History of Popular Streetwear Brands Metallica and Slayer

Sure, you can buy a Metallica shirt somewhere for fifteen bucks, but wouldn’t you rather pay $60 for a shirt that says “I was there, man. I was there to see Lars phone it in for the hundredth time. I was there to see Kirk get winded after the first song, who needs Neustead anyway? I was there to see a show that has gotten exponentially worse yet exponentially more expense as the years went by.”

And don’t forget to stay after the last song for the most obvious encore ever where the band finally plays the songs you came there to hear. Do all that, then try and tell me you “don’t get” Metallica.

Wear your new Hard Times shirt to go see Metallica this summer!

Article by Dan Kozuh @k0zuh