TUCSON, Ariz. — 30-year-old Joann Kim suffered a three-day hangover after walking by the liquor aisle at her local grocery store, solemn sources confirmed. “I…
As we open this regular meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, we ask that God grant us the courage and serenity to look back on a few…
GLEN HEAD, N.Y. — 30-year-old Melissa Crawford made her long awaited debut as the family drunken mess at her cousin’s Great Gatsby themed wedding this…
OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local straight edge 22-year-old Niki Mishtia once again proved that he is perfectly capable of acting like a moron without using alcohol…
BOSTON — Local straight edge father Maurice Puckett was depressed upon realizing he would have to say he was going to the corner store for…
FREDERICK, Md. — Amateur skateboarder and recovering alcoholic Jude Gannon achieved a longstanding career goal of acquiring a sponsor in the form of an Alcoholics…
PHILADELPHIA – Local friend and owner of a comfortable and reliable five-seat sedan, Victor Schnellenberger, is planning to quit drinking alcohol and begin a long…
BOSTON — Former drinker Mackenzie Stodd has fully shifted her addictive tendencies by committing all her free time and energy into the much more expensive…
TEMPE, Ariz. — Local punk and notable party animal Hilary Jones celebrated her third consecutive day of sobriety yesterday with an ice cold beer, concerned…
For many, the road to recovery is a long, harrowing journey down a path paved in the stones from their rock bottom. Mantras are repeated,…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Friends of Terence Hart report today that his knack for ruining parties with his alcoholism has transitioned into ruining parties with his…
Hitting the bottle a little too hard? It seems everyone is getting on the wagon these days and the general consensus is that ‘sober’ isn’t…
WASHINGTON — The entirety of the straight edge subculture is waiting patiently as a collection of hardcore elders draft their official stance on the non-psychoactive…
FAIRBANKS, Alaska — Obvious alcoholic and general mess of a human being Jerrold Long announced today that he will spend the entire evening, and the…
RENO, Nev. — Local man and former alcoholic Richard McCann allegedly considers himself “totally sober” now, after switching the focus of his addiction from alcohol…