As we open this regular meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, we ask that God grant us the courage and serenity to look back on a few of the classic tunes that have changed our lives for better or worse, and the wisdom to know the difference. We admit that we are powerless over Bubba’s intoxicating blend of Caribbean folk-pop and booze-fueled escapism. So with that in mind, let’s look back on “Songs You Know by Heart: Jimmy Buffett’s Greatest Hit(s).”
Why Don’t We Get Drunk (and Screw) – I’ll kick things off by sharing that it’s been 15 days since this problematic crowd-pleaser was last stuck in my head. For years I thought I misheard that bizarre line about a “snuff queen.” When I finally googled that part of the song they must have added me to some pervert watchlist, because every job I’ve applied for since ends with me failing the background check.
Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes – Regarded as one of Buffett’s more mature compositions, this was the last song I heard before blacking out in the school supplies aisle at the Target down the street from my kid’s school six months ago. Well apparently Billy didn’t have the glue sticks he needed for his social studies project and by the time my ex-wife got ahold of me, I was already working on my second pitcher at the bar where we got engaged and, anyway, long story short, I haven’t been able to hug my son in six months.
Cheeseburger in Paradise – If I had the same issues with cheeseburgers that I do with alcohol, humming the first eight bars of this track would be enough to trigger a series of reckless decisions that culminate in me being banned from every McDonald’s ball pit in the state. Have you ever really listened to the lyrics? Jesus Christ. This chart-topping ode to “heaven on earth with an onion slice” is borderline pornographic. Trust me, as someone also recovering from porn addiction, I know a slippery slope when I see one.
Margaritaville – In a career spanning almost 60 years, Jimmy Buffett has amassed one of the largest fortunes of any musician, due in no small part to this signature hit that was recently inducted into the Grammy Hall of Fame. Say what you will about his cheesy antics or beach bum persona, there’s really no denying that “Margaritaville” is a tour de force of timeless significance. On that note, I’ll use these last few minutes to reflect on the fact that when Freddie Fishsticks wakes up naked on a Mexican beach with a tattoo he doesn’t remember getting, the universe rewards him with industry accolades and $500 million dollars. Meanwhile, I have to take two buses across town every week to check in with my probation officer.