SUNVIEW, Ariz. — A local punk scene is committing to their decision to keep well-known abuser and the only keyboardist anyone knows, Matt Hulls, in…
OKLAHOMA CITY — Your horny aunt Gladys created an air of tension after expressing a deep and carnal interest in your Type O Negative shirt…
MASSAPEQUA, N.Y. — Self-proclaimed “experimental indie” band True Friction are horrified to see that their “Related Artists” tab on Spotify is populated by pop-punk and…
WASHINGTON — Two 20-step staircases at local venue The Disco Motel are among the most hated structures in the city, according to multiple breathless, annoyed…
BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Multiple references to new couple Darius Mastrogiovanni and Sam Padgett’s disgustingly raunchy sex life were skillfully and politely ignored while out at…
LONDON — Virtuoso violinist Hans Kriegsman came to the difficult realization that he plays in a glorified cover band while performing Bach’s “Jesu, Joy of…
PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Forty-year-old punk Dave Taverston reportedly hit his limit for new music he is physically and psychologically capable of consuming earlier this week,…
BUFFALO, N.Y. — A decrepit pair of jeans shook themselves fiercely in an attempt to rip themselves free of a local man’s legs as an…
EARTH — Punks around the globe who are unsatisfied with oppressive global systems designed to benefit a few powerful individuals at the expense of everyone…
GLENDALE, Ariz. — Duncan Figeroa, a forty-six father of two, broke a world record earlier today when he said the phrase “sounds like R.E.M.” for…
ROCK SPRINGS, Wyo. — Recently divorced woman Marie Nowak can now finally say she has one thing in common with her parents following the dissolution…
AMHERST, N.Y. — Claudia Piper has selected the dress that she will vomit André Spumante all over this New Year’s Eve, most likely while in…
DODGE CITY, Kan. — Local adult Amelie Hartman was spotted pathetically trying to keep up with the latest trends by parting her hair down the…
COLLINGSWOOD, N.J. — A local gang of librarians are accused of assaulting homeowner Jessica Wheatley over the installation of a “little free library” on her…
GARY, Ind. — Cass Pollard was shocked this Christmas to discover that their partner’s family apparently opens Christmas presents stone-cold sober the entire time, sources…