CHICAGO — Local punk Jacob Brown found his net worth has skyrocketed now that drink tickets are redeemable again at reopened venues across the city,…
Power to the people! ACAB! Eat the rich! That’s what we would have told you 30 minutes ago, but we just taste-tested some white wines…
THOUSAND OAKS, Calif. — Local high school freshman Mason Daniels was forced to become a member of his local punk community after a self-administered haircut…
LOS ANGELES — MasterClass released a five-hour course on circumventing manslaughter charges taught by legendary filmmaker, and director of “The Twilight Zone” movie segment which…
“Nice place?” What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I live in a one-bedroom basement apartment with minimal natural light, you condescending asshole. Who…
DUCKBURG, Calisota — Multi-billionaire businessfowl Scrooge McDuck is questioning his decision to convert his wealth to cryptocurrency after realizing he would not be able to…
HOLLYWOOD — Shortly after its acquisition by Amazon, MGM and Eon Productions announced this morning that the next James Bond film will follow the titular…
SEATTLE — Local cat owner Robbie Kratchiz admitted yesterday that his cat tree was the most expensive piece of furniture in his entire apartment, sources…
NEW YORK — Leading economists warned today that raising the minimum wage to $15 will severely impede the ability of elite Americans to be born…
OAKLAND, Calif. — Seminal punk band Green Day are reportedly heading back into the studio this week to record a new, “blistering” single venting their…
AUSTIN, Texas — Elon Musk announced earlier this week that he will name his next child in the style of a Sudoku, one of his…
There are approximately 135 screen versions of Charles Dickens’ apocryphal tale of ego reversal “A Christmas Carol” from Scrooge McDuck, to Tim Curry, to George…
MUNICH — Luxury car manufacturer BMW will finally implement turn signals in all of their vehicles by 2022, according to a press release sent out…
SAVANNAH, Ga. — Local punk Jake Stanton used a photo of a trashy apartment as his Zoom background yesterday to hide the true nature of…
I’m just a normal, average billionaire. If you prick me, do I not bleed the same virgin-transfused blood as any other billionaire? I come from…