Elder abuse is a serious, often unrecognized crisis affecting some of our most vulnerable citizens. Me, in particular. Don’t believe me? Well, just head on…
THOUSAND OAKS, Calif. — Local high school freshman Mason Daniels was forced to become a member of his local punk community after a self-administered haircut…
Move over, Christian Bale. There’s a way more method-y actor in Hollywood, and it’s none other than 2021’s Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards nominee for Favorite…
BIKINI BOTTOM― Longtime cashier Squidward Tentacles is the lead suspect in a mass shooting at the Krusty Krab which left one employee dead and a…
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Daniel Powers is searching for an acceptable way to find out if his niece’s upcoming birthday party will be BYOB or…
MEDFORD, Ore. — A sleepover between longtime friends Billy Potter and Sam Cortland turned sour after the former discovered his best friend’s house smells weird,…
PHILADELPHIA — Local millennial Lauren Toole and her live-in boyfriend Nick McIntyre are making an effort to not argue in front of their new houseplant…
BANGOR, Maine — Middle-aged goth Richard Irwin stashed his collection of The Cure’s landmark fourth album “Pornography” in the woods behind his house yesterday to…
NEW YORK — Spotify CEO Daniel Ek reportedly won .0005% custody of his children in a landmark hearing yesterday, according to leaked court documents and…
DIAMONDHEAD, Miss. — Local anger management counselor Damien Hall is in hot water today after instructing police officer Wayne Bailey to visualize potential suspects as…
PAXTON, Mass. — The failure of a precocious gang of tween misfits to vanquish a cosmic evil known as Hy’groth and their resulting slaughter has…
FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. — Callahan’s Casket Emporium will offer a “Back to School Blowout Sale” this year, offering discounts of up to 50% on last year’s…
FRESNO, Calif. — Beloved local crossing guard Leona Cardwell was fired Wednesday after committing her first error in nearly 20 years on the job when…
SALEM, N.H. — Local gamer father Jack Ruebens has announced he will stop attempting to forge a relationship with his son Chet, 12, after over…
WASHINGTON — President Trump showcased his overflowing Easter basket earlier today after outperforming “low IQ” children during the annual Easter egg hunt on the White…