Given that we’ve been in some sort of recession or another ever since I’ve been old enough to know the word “republican,” it’s time we…
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Department of Commerce issued a concerning report this morning, finding that 78% of American corporations are barely scraping by and living…
WASHINGTON — Presidential hopeful, and supposed socialist, Bernie Sanders selfishly won his third state during the democratic primary and seems completely unwilling to share the…
YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio — Disturbed federal agents confirmed today that local punk and well-known exhibitionist Angela Meyers has removed the little piece of green tape that…
LINCOLN COUNTY, Nev. — Matt Skiba, originally of Alkaline Trio, and more recently singer/guitarist in Blink-182, is set to replace Tom DeLonge as leader of…
MIDDLETOWN, Del. — Local Middletown police are reportedly searching for any excuse to justify the use of a brand new tank the United States government…
PHILADELPHIA — A group of local crust punks selflessly offered to help furloughed “bootlicking peons of the bloated and immoral federal government” yesterday by teaching…
WASHINGTON — Members of the newly-inaugurated 116th Congress of the United States are already facing a fresh challenge: rebooting a shutdown government in safe mode.…
WASHINGTON — Police officers broke up a rowdy Capitol Hill gathering early Saturday morning after receiving noise complaints from several neighbors, multiple sources report. “Shit,…
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Local libertarian Peter Murphy faced off against and won a rousing debate last night against his radical, left-wing activist girlfriend who doesn’t…
Bang Bang Boom Boom Bang — the crackle of an AR-15? No, explosions from typing on this iPad Pro’s screen A poem to shrivel any…
The only thing I love more than American soldiers is preparing to defend myself against them by stockpiling as much heavy weaponry as possible. I…
NEW YORK — The U.S. Food and Drug Administration recalled nearly 300 tons of raw denim earlier today after multiple reports from hipsters, fashionistas, and…
WASHINGTON –– The GOP-led House of Representatives voted on Thursday 217-213 in favor of terminating 24 million pre-existing humans from Earth. “They had a good…
WASHINGTON — Doctors issued a stern warning to former Chief White House Strategist Steve Bannon yesterday, according to leaked medical reports, giving him mere weeks…