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Crust Punks Offer to Teach Furloughed Government Workers How to Live Without Pay

PHILADELPHIA — A group of local crust punks selflessly offered to help furloughed “bootlicking peons of the bloated and immoral federal government” yesterday by teaching them to survive without money, several confused sources confirmed.

“We see this as our chance to give back to the community,” explained prominent crustie Thomas “Roadkill” Rhodes. “By sharing our unique skills with these dicked-over workers, we hope they’ll realize they can make it through this shutdown. Or at least give us a couple nugs for our trouble.”

Approximately 800,000 federal employees have been affected by the longest government shutdown in U.S. history — workers whom the crusties hope to assist by helping them attain basic necessities such as food, beer, dog food, and bandanas.

“Living off the grid as long as I have, you pick up so many essential skills,” said Rhodes’ associate, Sylvie Figueroa. “And I really feel for these poor suckers, having to work for no money. I know exactly what that’s like, minus the work.”

“I figured we could help them get on our level by organizing workshops,” Figueroa added. “You know, teach them to train-hop for their commutes, or show them 20 uses for dental floss — stuff that could really help them until they get back on their feet.”

“I see these miserable people lining up at food banks and I just want to grab them and yell, ‘Any food and leftover beer you see on a restaurant table is legally yours for the taking!’” Rhodes said.

Some furloughed workers were ambivalent about the crusties’ help, however — primarily because of the “extremely pungent” punks in charge.

“Do they not understand that I actually have a full-time job right now?” said an exasperated Sarah Werner, one of many furloughed in the Department of Agriculture. “They expect me to make room in my schedule for playing musical saw on the street and dragging my kids behind the co-op for dumpster food at 2 a.m.? No thanks.”

When questioned, Rhodes was defensive, insisting, “I only suggested she bring her kids because they’re small and really good at finding things in dumpsters — that’s 101 shit It’s no wonder these clowns can’t cop a paycheck.”