PALO ALTO, Calif. — Tesla recently revealed the prototype for their new self-driving Dragula that can independently dig through ditches and burn through witches, sources…
BETHESDA, Md. — Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease, recently gave approval for venues to continue the common…
MINNEAPOLIS — Bar staff everywhere are rejoicing as Semisonic penned a long-awaited follow-up to their 1998 single “Closing Time” entitled “Seriously, Get the Fuck Out,…
SEATTLE — Local punk Jonathan “Johnny Balls” Denick has given full legal power of attorney to a dog with a bandana named Roscoe, according to…
WELLAND, Ontario — Local hardcore kid Jordan Trimble announced his intentions to destroy the only intact ceiling tile remaining in the Lion’s Club seconds before…
JOHNSON CITY, N.Y. — Local clothes launderer Dee Chanthavong nearly realized his lifelong fantasy of diving headfirst into a pile of shiny coins after being…
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local son Austin Miller was held hostage for nearly 20 minutes this evening amid his father’s annual retelling of the time he…
NEWPORT NEWS, Va. — Jenny Fitzsimmons allowed her husband Alfred to remove the enigmatic green ribbon she’s worn around her neck since the first day…
WESTFIELD, Ind. — Local man Tom Simmons remains totally perplexed as to why everyone who watched “Squid Game” found the idea of getting shot at…
LOS ANGELES – Blink-182’s virtuoso drummer, Travis Barker, shed a singular tear upon hearing that upstart pop-punk band Girlsack released their first single “Get Sniffed”…
KALAMAZOO, Mich. — A skeleton mistaken for a seasonal decoration at a local library is suspected to be an architectural ploy designed to prevent houseless…
MANHATTAN — Local heroes in a half shell The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are reportedly “totally bummed out” after rising rent forced them to vacate…
CINCINNATI — 26-year-old punk Bobby Larson is now listing a local 7-Eleven cashier as his only emergency contact in lieu of close friends or relatives,…
BOSTON — 34-year-old Ryan Conway was seemingly unaware that the similarly aged couple he was talking with throughout the night were just there to chaperone…
LAREDO, Texas – Shockwaves of mistrust ripped through punk band The Distracted after a member’s significant other admitted to hooking up with the band’s Roland…