CHICAGO — Local punk Gary “Crutch” Burke’s girlfriend Jacquelyn Flowers, who helped Burke get off of drugs, stop living on the street, and is paying…
MUNICH — Luxury car manufacturer BMW will finally implement turn signals in all of their vehicles by 2022, according to a press release sent out…
LOS ANGELES — A local man who made the switch to a vegan diet 15 years ago has yet to incorporate the same cruelty-free practices…
Hi. It’s me, your friend on Facebook who sends you articles about mindfulness. I hope you’re having a good day. Actually, I insist you have…
NEW YORK — Local man David Treyborn realized today, while testing the flow of the new bidet attachment he purchased as a low-waste alternative to…
BURBANK, Calif. — Production on the FOX reality show “LEGO Masters” was halted indefinitely today after some asshole stuck all the flat LEGO pieces together,…
Get the hell out of my way! I just got here an hour late and I’m shitfaced but it’s my God-given right to be directly…
WASHINGTON — Legendary metal band Gwar asked the staff of NPR’s Tiny Desk Concert series if “they were ready to get their assholes ripped open”…
WINSTON-SALEM, N.C. — Medallion Social Club regular Andrew Vanscoy grew irate late Friday evening with jovial bar patrons he somehow viewed as more obnoxious than…
LOS ANGELES — Local goth Jenny Carlisle successfully subverted cosmetic trends earlier this week by having her asshole professionally darkened at a nearby salon, unenthused…
You Americans with your neutered sensibilities and PC culture. I’ll tell you one thing, my behavior wouldn’t get me kicked out of an Applebee’s in…
In a culture dominated by social media and black-or-white arguments about how the world should work, this man is carving his own path. Meet Justin…
Judgments based on sight alone are detrimental to our society. I am personally persecuted on a daily basis all because of my extremely punchable face.…
SEATTLE — A scheduled performance by Father John Misty was canceled last night after the singer began a long rant which culminated with him disappearing…
MADISON, Wis. — Patrons of the local Brew Pillow coffee shop grew uneasy Thursday evening after a series of increasingly uncomfortable events outed performing singer/songwriter…