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Drunk Asshole Can’t Believe Bartender Has to Put up With All These Drunk Assholes

WINSTON-SALEM, N.C. — Medallion Social Club regular Andrew Vanscoy grew irate late Friday evening with jovial bar patrons he somehow viewed as more obnoxious than himself, according to sources at the scene.

“What is this, amateur night?” Vanscoy exclaimed with a belch, startling couples at a nearby table. “This is the kind of riffraff that makes me drink at home alone most nights,” he added, while queuing Anthrax’s “I’m the Man” on the jukebox. “Some people just have no chill.”

Bargoer Stephanie Martinez was celebrating a birthday when she incurred Vanscoy’s judgement.

“I was taking a Boomerang with my partner when this creepy guy wandered into the frame and said, ‘I remember my first beer,’” she recalled. “Sorry for being excited about something. Jeez.”

Witnesses say Vanscoy, who often feels compelled to “rescue” staff members from other guests, became more and more protective as the evening progressed.

“Can you believe this jabberjaw?” Vanscoy slurred about one customer engaging the bartender in conversation. “I’ve been waiting for, like, 10 minutes to finish talking about the episode of Ray Bradbury Theater I just watched, but this guy’s just going on and on. Can’t you see she’s trying to work, bro?”

However, Medallion bartender Antonia Lowen offered a different account of the evening’s events.

“A friend I hadn’t seen since high school was telling me about how his mom beat cancer, when [Vanscoy] walked up and said, ‘Is this guy bothering you?’ It was weird. I had to cut him off earlier than usual,” said Lowen.

When asked about the confrontation, an inebriated Vanscoy took a momentary pause from asking those around him if “…these peanuts taste weird, or what?” to shed his insight.

“Sometimes they need a little help around here handling clientele who won’t take the hint,” said an increasingly wobbly Vanscoy. “I don’t have to be so polite since I don’t work here, even though they all think of me as an honorary coworker — I’m always staying after close, and showing up unannounced to employee parties. Things would sure be different around here without me.”

At press time, Vanscoy was oblivious that he’d knocked over his barstool while getting up to leave.

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