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Goth Gets Asshole Darkened

LOS ANGELES — Local goth Jenny Carlisle successfully subverted cosmetic trends earlier this week by having her asshole professionally darkened at a nearby salon, unenthused sources report.

“I’d heard of anal bleaching — which I guess is fine for normies who think the sun shines out of their butt or something,” said Carlisle. “But I thought to take it in another direction. I wanted my body to have a dark void, as deep and lightless as my soul.”

According to Carlisle, the lengthy and admittedly painful service that left her anus “black, with subtle hints of blue, if you look at it in the light” was performed by candlelight in a windowless room at Silver Lake’s premier “goth spa,” Wallow.

“I loved it,” Carlisle said. “Drab, who was my technician, did absolutely everything he could to make the experience as comfortable as possible. He lit the most incense I’ve ever seen in my life, and he also played ‘Head Like a Hole’ on repeat the entire time… which I thought was just a really nice touch.”

Happy with the treatment, Carlisle reportedly went on to enjoy additional services offered by the salon, including a cold rock massage, a raven’s wing dry brushing, and an hour of solitary writing in an old tanning booth the salon converted into a journaling pod.

“We’re very committed to serving our customer base,” said Wallow’s owner Erebus Moon, who refers to his ideal clients as “luxury goths.” “Our esteemed clients are encouraged to experience
the ‘blackout room’ before departing, which is basically a room with sunlamps that we completely covered in black velvet so there’s absolutely no light in there whatsoever. You can’t see a thing. It’s awful. We couldn’t be more proud of it.”

“Plus, we have cucumber water,” he added.

Carlisle, who insisted on standing, said she couldn’t be happier with her decision to have her butthole cosmetically darkened.

“I’ve never felt so confident in my life,” she explained. “And now it’s like I have my own little pit of despair.”

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